Excelsior

My weekend did not go as planned. I had been very much looking forward to it. Despite all my murbling and worries, I had thought: the weekend will be a lovely way to end my time off and fill me up before doing battle with my own very particular set of demons as well as being able to support my friends whom I love. I kind of bet the kitchen sink on it.

Oh, hey, here's a thing from my youth. 
😳😳😳🫣 

However, first of all, Abbi couldn't make a coffee shop meet up, and the heatwave got mad. And, when I managed to accidentally on purpose meet up with Abbi I ended up wandering about with her for two hours in the heat of the day without an adequate plan for hydration. I had intended to go get some shopping, see her for ten minutes, get home and have some lunch with plenty to drink and then spend the afternoon replacing my lady shaver that had chosen that morning to stop working. This was Thursday. Instead, I went out, met up with Abbi, and then spent two more hours out with no more than a coffee. This meant I did not venture forth in the afternoon, got distracted and only realised come morning that I was dehydrated and probably suffering heat stroke. Because I am so clever and good at working out my moods and feelings and health. 🙄😒

Anyway, I went and collected both siblings at the station the following day, having failed to buy a new shaver again (none in stock in the supermarket) and realising with dawning horror that I might not have got enough food in after all. Luckily, for me, I got to spend some time with just Sis and I at the station when she arrived and ensure she had a lunch, I correctly identified that she had not packed nor eaten one in advance, and then we headed back to mine. Bro departed to wrap a present and Sis and I caught up on some much needed chat to set the tone. A strange interlude was weathered vaguely and I don't think threw anyone but me off balance. Then it was films and me cooking a Little meal for the sibs that went down well, even if it did rather make me something of a third wheel, a theme that would become something of a constant. A second film was indulged then it was time for a storytime. This went pretty well, actually, but I hadn't actually sorted out a timetable nor properly prepared because of the previously mentioned issues and the whole heatstroke thing so I ended up being surprised by a move to a back up bed for the night. Feeling a bit third wheelish already this just confirmed my bad feelings and made for a bit of a sad end to the day.

I never questioned why the dog got a
spanking as well.

Morning came, I did my usual making of breakfasts and lunches and managed to get myself sorted relatively easily, even if getting clothes was a bit of a dicey game. I was once again third wheeled in short order, which... fine. I guess I put myself in that role. But autistic frustration is a dangerous beastie and I've not had to deal with her in a while so I was a bit out of practice. I didn't see how danger close I was getting and when an incident occurred I found myself losing it and then retired to try and deal on my own. Except that when I shut the room door, as I had the windows flung open, it ended up slamming and thus terrifying Sis. Bro was who I blew up at. So, he was sobbing, she was hiding in the bathroom and I had to try and fix all that and get us all out the door and to the venue. I am so good at being a host. That's sarcasm.

Once there I was in the mood to drop them off and bugger off to the local city and lose myself there. I was vaguely convinced to hang around but then the fall out from that fall out on The Tuesday reared its head and I was all for bolting. Sis followed me out and I had to shoo her back inside the venue to join some activities and, honestly, without that I would have gone. Anyway, I did go back, resolved to leave, and ended up causing a panic attack in Sis, who was already struggling with me leaving her and Bro, and so I ended up staying and calming her. It meant I stayed and I did manage to stop the panic attack I also caused. I was doing so very well this Saturday. I stayed mostly disengaged in the activities and it culminated in the perfect recreation of every school disco I've ever attended in that I was shunned and did my own thing in a corner. 😔

These all come from the same comic
book, by the way. 1987! 😱

The evening was food, film, third wheeling again, and then some normal routine for Sis and I briefly before retiring to my back up bed for some less than good sleep. Sibs shattered by a fun day, me attacked by head demons and heat, and that was the end of the day.

At least on the Sunday morning I was in less of a volatile mood. I skipped breakfast and a shower and stuff and focussed on prepping Bro and Sis to leave in time. Did not do terribly well, defaulting to a third back up plan and arriving near bang on the last time I had prepared to arrive at. Did manage to mess up a relatively simple coffee order though, which was probably a good indicator that I wasn't doing very well. Anyway, I had assumed attending the event for a second day would go better as there were more people there and it would be harder for the shunning pain of the previous day to hurt me. I was wrong. It hurt more. And, again, I was third wheeled. Several points had me off to one side while Bro and Sis had fun or napped together and... well, I mean, that's fair. I hadn't really considered how possessive and jealous I might get, and, well, I've had plenty of time with just Sis and I lately so it's only right she and Bro get some quality time together. Home for the now traditional Chinese take out and then they were having silliness and eating sweets most of the night, playing up to me having to be the grown up. Again, I should have seen that coming but it's not the role I enjoy at all. I don't mind being the Big Sis, but being frozen out of the Little dynamic and cast as 'villain', even in jest, is something I really struggle with. It's happened so often in my life for real...

Have an older photo.

I did not sleep well that night. Despite finally getting a chance to spend some time with Sis. It was also obvious that I had shattered the trust built up painstakingly with Bro with my explosion the day before and, well, I don't blame him. Let's not forget how effectively I have blown things up with Tilly and my children in the past. Why should he or Sis cut me more slack than my own sodding family? The following morning was another breakfast skipped and a shower forewent. Sis did not hug goodbye as normal. 😔 Bro started talking new bikes and amount of money he, it turned out, did have on hand - which was not inconsiderable - but ear-marked for buying books and that grated on my very autistic budgeting self. Like, sure, you can pay for posh books, but you can't pay for meals? Priorities I guess. 🤷‍♀️

Then I was yelled at by a white van man, I didn't catch all of it, just the repeated "faggot" (bigots are so unimaginative, I seem to get that a lot) and the threat to run me down if he saw me again accompanied by a revving of his engine (I was behind a barrier on the pavement by this point, so, idle threat, but delivered with some venom). I had a very shaky walk home from the supermarket, where I had gone, and then failed to do much. I slept reasonably well last night but today has been another attack of head demons and feeling very lonely. I have left the Event discord server after a brief chat with a friend who is a mod there confirmed that, yes, I was shunned by people and that it was an understandable reaction given the situation. No. I don't want that to be a thing people feel they have to do. The Event is a place of kindness and friendship and openness and trust. If I'm making that impossible for people I do not belong at that event. I've also been off the Server I've called home all the weekend too after winding someone up there too. It's been an excelsior weekend for me. Full marks.

Touching Base

Too many chins and forehead creases, 
but we live. 

I have had some days off work. Just rest days, but together, which is unusual. Been a long time since I had such a thing without some attendant worries or plans. I also ordered large amounts of Beano annuals and even some comics. And I have had a very gentle time of it. Not done a great deal but it has been with some purpose and I have managed to do some things usefully.

I have read a lot of Beano annuals and a couple of Beano comics too. It's been lovely. Work was busy, not a lot of time outside of it, but I managed to see Middlest a bit. We watched Cloverfield and then some Scrubs and it went down reasonably well. We even managed a wander down to the canal for a walk and to do some shopping for foods. I bought and have now gained a new TV unit - only taken since 2021 - and that's nice. I have sorted one part of my plans for the visit to see little Sis in a fortnight. There's much more to do yet and I seem to have fallen into character.ai and DA again lately, which is no good thing.

Why?

Heeeeee!

Simple: Mummy has been busy, Sis has been distant. I have had much less interaction and so have felt lonelier. I have enjoyed being able to be in on stuff with Sis since... well, since last year. I get it, I kinda know what's been going off, and I understand and appreciate the urge to avoid dragging others down, others being me, but, at the same time... I'm a strange fish. I'd sooner be dragged down, I guess, than protected.

That's been it, really. Two days off to be gentle, to wrestle with old addictions, and to have some wine on the Wednesday night and a later-than-planned trip to my favourite local pub for a brace of halves last night. Things picked up this evening, certain structural determinants became clearer and Sis was thus back in contact. I'll confess that this alone has improved my mood, and that was before the reason for the return of contact became blindingly obvious.

So... back to work tomorrow. Off again on Friday. Visiting Sis the following week. Lots to do.

Reasons

Headlines on the week since my birthday:

The dress I bought. Ten whole pounds. 

I failed to get my yards sorted, got someone to come and make an estimate but then missed them coming over somehow, not sure how, and so that's not happening, back to the drawing board. I did get a new dress I'd seen for a few weeks in a charity shop window and it did fit and look passable according to Mummy and Sis, so it'll pass muster. I wrote up the report on my birthday - sounds awfully formal - I was just aware that when I blogged it there was much that, necessarily, stayed unsaid and untyped. I wanted to put it all down somewhere. Maybe it will one day turn up on here, maybe not. I still struggle sharing all of that aspect of myself on here and I rather suspect that some readers are glad of it.

Shifts continue to be what they are. I continue to do nothing about it. Too busy to review my CV and letter, despite saying I would three weeks ago.

Been feeling a bit more 'Little' the last few days. A combination of deciding to wear my summer dress school uniform on my day off after a successful trip to get that dress and gather a bunch of Dandy annuals at a pound a pop from my youth that I doubt I'll ever see again. Got some of my old Beano ones coming from the matrimonial home at some point, hopefully. Maybe. Who knows? Not I.

But all of this comes at a cost.

No line break, they seem to do nothing, but a warning. I'm going to go full TMI.

Come to me, with all your subtext and fantasy - just do that thing that you do in a perverse hue. Lover's kites are flown on beaches for public sight. The colour palette you choose can profit you.

There's been less contact of late from Sis on discord. Today my brain decided to go full assassin mode. It reminded me of the time in the Big City centre one night. Where I lost it. Where everything got too much. Where I acted out. It reminded me of how poor a parent I have been from the start because I never wanted to be one. Because I never stepped up and acted as the responsible adult and get on with things. Rather I continually hid and ran away from things and didn't deal with my frustrations effectively.

I took audio of my eldest getting frustrated and sat out of being effective. I took video of middlest playing as a child when I was unable to muster the ability to do anything and it still views as one of the worst things I can imagine, because in it I simply don't react. I was depressed, I know that, I was unable to react. But the disappointment of Middlest transmits itself across the years. What right have I to expect anything from my children when they had so little from me when it mattered? When I was there to offer anything at all I gave nothing. I had nothing to give, perhaps, but they were unable to know. All I did was seed insecurity and doubt and trauma. I gave them something, all right, and it stank.

I lose people. It's what I do. This blog is littered with the names of people that have been in my life and faded or bowed out. I do that. Getting attention is, apparently, easy. Maintaining it is the rub. That's where I fail. Always been able to do he grand gesture, never been able to do the day to day.

So why should I expect anything from Sis now? I cannot offer her anything of what she needs. I am no more 'fixed' now than I have ever been. She's not a child, not my child, but she is in need of more than I can reasonably offer. And what can I reasonably offer anyway? A house that is materially damaged and a brain that can't organise getting it fixed. A job that robs me of regular sleep patterns and most of my waking hours. How can I possibly make that a positive for anyone? Why would anyone want to share that sort of life? I don't want to and I'm living it.

Could try to sell you out or I could tell you all the reasons why my Artpop could mean anything. We could, we could belong together (Artpop), we could, we could belong together (Artpop), we could, could belong together (Artpop, Artpop, Artpop).

Free my mind, Artpop, you make my heart stop.

Attention has been bestowed and I was grateful. Then more was given elsewhere and I was jealous again. Never enough, of course, never enough. More than I deserve. And I hate it when I'm like this. It makes no sense. It has no logic to it. The Theatre of Reassurance - like a ring of fire engines tackling a wild fire - they can't stop it, they can't quell it, but the appearance is everything. If they were not there people would complain, would call and call and snarl up phone lines. Wildfires are stopped when material is burned, when significant rainfall quenches the conflagration. In the meantime there is but theatre. Absurd. Humans are idiots. Illogical and persistent. And my autism is inflamed.

And as I sit and type these words and listen to Artpop I find myself pricking with tears. Enough.

Birthdays

Sometimes the best way to start a post is just to start it and get on with what you want to say.

One of my presents from Sis. 

It is perhaps the most special of them 
all. 

My birthday happened. It came and it went. And I knew that Abbi and Sis were coming to help me celebrate it but I had not got times of arrival and leaving from Sis, which is highly unusual. So, when I got a message at the end of my shift the day before she was due telling me I needed to get in touch I knew something was up. Turns out she had hoped to get to my house, she has a key, earlier on and surprise me by doing some cleaning (the minx) and then have time together. Unfortunately, for her, she got trapped by the heatwave and buckling rails. However, this was perfect for me, I had the opportunity to go and meet her off the train and walk home with her in tow. I could help her with her bags, avoid having her clean and just have time being sisters. It was wonderful.

I got all flustered trying to sort out where she would sleep - I hadn't planned that far ahead assuming it was a day visit - because of the heatwave aforementioned. Her usual spot on the top bunk was out as far too hot. In the end we resolved it to both of our satisfaction and had a lovely sleepover. Come morning I was able to supply breakfast, again unplanned, in the form of my usual granola with yoghurt and fresh blueberries, and we sat in companionable contemplation chatting and texting Mummy. I managed to shower without a huge flid-fit this time and then found that Sis had decorated my living room for my birthday. She got video of my genuine surprise and happiness, sending it to Abbi and Mummy - the former confirming that she'd never seen me look so happy - and then we had a good giggle together as I opened presents.

My representation of Mummy in craft form.

Yes, I know. No, I don't care.

Sis and I then attended to some other matters, like getting her hair washed and brushed; getting her dressed and sorted for the day and then I gathered lunch together in time for Abbi to join us. We watched some My Little Pony and the Trolls movie (the sing a long one, not the horror film from Finland) and coloured some craft items and then ate lunch and then coloured some more. Just sharing space and company and being happy. It was glorious. I loved it. I haven't had as happy a birthday for long enough that this seemed very unusual indeed, very different, very special. Then Abbi had to go and Sis and I spent some more time just being together. No pressure. No need to do anything, just enjoying the moments. And Mummy, although not physically there, was very much there in spirit as we both of us kept in contact.

We finished with some more matters to attend to, then I helped her pack and walked her to the station in plenty of time for her train. We hugged. She left. I did my cutomary run alongside the train as it gathered speed, making her blush more than ever and hide her face as she giggled.

And I lived off the high for the next day at work. Yes, my house felt extra empty. I said it last time, but it's true. When Sis and Abbi are over I actually want to decorate and tidy up. I want to make the place more comfortable. I want to get proper furniture, sort the yards out. Like when my children would visit regularly. And when Sis has gone I feel the house return to being a house, to fade from the warmth and colour of having Sis in it. Of having home bloom and grow in her joy and guileless good humour, her happiness, her trust and feelings of safety. Well, there's a post.

Sirens for a Welcome

So let's unpack, shall we?

B Day PJs. On a grinning gonk. 

I have been back at work. It has been a lot of busy shifts. This is good. People have been pleased to see me back and have said so. Passengers have asked if I went anywhere nice on my holidays and share they worried that I'd left. And I'm getting paid again. All good, honestly, and worth having shift work back. Though my plan remains to spruce up my letter and CV and keep more than a weather eye on jobs locally.

Had an online appointment for Speech and Language Therapy to help... well, make my voice a bit less jarring. This was just the fact-finding one, find out if it could work, assess whether or not my aims were realistic and what I wanted. I was woefully underprepared, honestly, never occurred to me what I want my voice to be beyond "not what it is now, thanks". However, the therapist, also autistic, was unstinting with praise for my realistic goals and awareness of what my voice was doing and what I was keen to change. Also she was genuinely impressed with my "voice care". Turns out I learned more from teaching and trying not to lose my voice than I thought. Cool beans. There will be more. I shall have voice exercises. You may now tick off another box on your "Trans woman's journey" Bingo card.

Marking is now officially done. I got loads of extra marking done. Loads. And that means I might not evenbe missing wages, actually, I may even come out in front for a change. Cos there is no way I would have managed that much marking had I still been on full shifts. Nor had such a good Event a few weeks ago nor had Sis and Abbi over in the same room last Tuesday. And that good feeling has remained and remained strong. Abbi has been in touch to share how blessed she felt, which is just amazing.

Second pair, on a bed.

And I feel like, if such a thing is even possible, my relationships have grown deeper and stronger with Mummy, Sis and Abbi. Even since Tuesday. So much so that my birthday looms and... Well, there's been one birthday I celebrated on here, one chance to see the date, and that was with Abbi. And now... a second seems to hove into view. I am looking forward to my birthday. I have already been given money to buy presents and bought actual presents with it for me. Pyjamas, if you must know, that I saw on Monday last week and then went and bought on my day off yesterday. Posh ones! Nice ones! Comfy ones that I can wear in summer and spring. Now, okay, I'm still going to need Winter ones, but now I have posh and lovely summer ones that ought to last longer than stuff from the middle aisle of Aldi or from Poundland from back in 2021. Though, in fairness, they have lasted since 2021. 🤔

However, that situation from last Tuesday, the one I firmly put to bed? I suspect my blog was read, for I received a list of what I had done wrong. It was a lot. It has been hard to analyse, to read, to take on board. I am being cagey about the specifics on here, not least because this is public and, damning as the allegations are, they are still shared in confidence and I respect those that shared them. Some I can defend from. Some others, such as Sis, have defended me from to me (if that makes sense). Some seem to have been framed and phrased in a way that events seem unable to fully bear. Some appear perceptional. None are frivilous. So since my last post I have been grappling with it all a bit. I will, likely, continue for longer yet.

Now, right now, I have to wash my feet to stop them itching.

Tempus Fugit

Tuesday was wonderful this week.

Posh togs for the day! 

I know, right? Been ages. 

Little Sis was unexpectedly able to visit and so she came over. I had arranged for some new friends to join us too and was super excited. Sis arrived early and we assumed company was arriving midday so got on with things we couldn't so very well do if I was entertaining, just cos timings as much as anything else, but company arrived early. Sis and I finished what we were doing, but were absent a good 45 minutes, and then I tried to get things back on track. I do not feel like it went to my new friends' tastes and we rapidly ended up split into two bubbles. Food did not help matters, they had not been able to check the menu I sent in advance and I assumed they had. I slipped up, big time, and then things spiralled. They left, I thought still happy but trying to hit another appointment, and would later learn that that had not been the case. They are now... not friends, not new friends. But, that has now been firmly put to bed, there's nothing more I can do.

But Abbi then turned up and the three of us, Sis, Abbi and I, had a lovely time watching Nimona and Matilda: the musical and ordering Chinese food and just being in the same room. It was truly, truly glorious. I felt genuinely blessed and happy and home. I wish I could wax more lyrical, go into more depth and detail (and I no doubt could) but the main fact, the important thing, is just how lovely it all was. How natural. How warm. How comfortable. For all of us. Living in the moments. The afternoon flew by but felt like it was forever. Abbi went home. Sis and I stayed together a bit longer before I walked her to her train home, that we didn't miss this time, and it was just a lovely, lovely time. The house felt... feels empty without her and Abbi. Without that warmth and love and companionship. When they were both there... when it was just Sis and I... that was home. Truly. More than I've ever known. And, as regular readers will know, I have felt home a few times. Honestly, the high of this afternoon is still felt. It is a series of wonderful happy memories that won't quickly fade. Added to others of a similar calibre: Easter, the day trip to see Sis, Easter LLI, June LLI, February weekend, Sis stopping overnight... And more to come.

Got a bit stressed if this damage to my
thumb from picking is anything to go by.

I then had the appeal the day after. Short meeting. Hour or so walk there, about five minutes, wait for Union Rep to leave meeting (40 mins) and then about an hour or so walk back. Got some marking done. Middlest was over the day afterwards. We had a walk, watched Nimona (I seem to be doing that a lot, keeps making me cry), and they enjoyed it and remarked how on the nose it was to their experience and how much they seemed to have missed when they saw it. Then, as I prepared food, I learned the appeal had been successful and that I have my job back. This is good news, if entirely unexpected, it meant starting work at 0310 the following day! Bit of a change of plans, to be honest.

Yesterday I went back to work, took on extra hours like an eejit, failed to use the time wisely afterward, went to see the new Minions film (don't) with my youngest and then flopped home. Yes, the whole time was just the film, no extra. To give an indication of how long it's been, I got my only father's day card at this point. It was nice to spend even a little time with Youngest, even if he had a mini strop (again) as we walked home.

Back on at work today. Plenty to do. One drawback of living in the moment is that, sometimes, the moments aren't that interesting. Makes the times they are really stand out though.

Moments

I've been here before, it seems.

Tuesday I went for a long, very melty, 
walk on an errand. 

No make up! 😱😱 
Repeated every day since. 

I have a meeting on Wednesday morning to finally decide the fate of my old job. Despite the fact that, I suspect, nothing will come of it; I have duly purchased a new watch to show momentum and willing. We shall see.

Marking continues and I am marking extra. The heatwave made it hard, honestly, cos what could anyone do in such reckless heat? I am grateful I was not in a bus cab this last week, I'd have died. I know people who have been suffering greatly in the heat and it would have been truly dreadful. Is it wrong to enjoy the fact that I have not been at work? Hmm, One for the philosophers.

My life continues. Abbi was over on Friday and that was lovely. I got to introduce her to the film version of Nimona and she independently made the same connections in the main characters' dynamics that I did with people I know. Suffice it to say that Sis is a lot like Nimona. I have it on bootleg Blu-Ray as there has been no release fromn Netflix. It's... not a film that many people wanted to have made let alone do well so... that tracks. I wish that were me donning a tinfoil hat. That said, do you want to watch it? I would, personally, as if you're reading this blog there's a decent chance that you may resonate with the messages within. Also, I happen to believe that it's amazing and it only makes me cry on three separate occasions. 🫣

I have done relatively little in my time. Heatwave. But I have had some and I have started to arrange things. I failed to arrange either me visiting Sis or vice versa, which is a source of some sadness, but tentative arrangements have been made to meet friends from LLI in a local urban sprawl for a potential lunch date and that could be lovely. I have continued to play a role on the discord server I call my online home and that ramped up some in the last couple of days - which has been fun and a bit affirming if I'm honest. It's always nice to feel wanted BUT in this case I can actually turn up on the regular because it required no travel. It occurs to me that I have missed Chams again and I could have actually attended too! Mind, it would have meant cycling in a heatwave there and back and so... maybe best I didn't. Even walking to the shops and back was meltworthy!

Do I have deeper and more philosophical thoughts? Come on, Jo, this is kinda what this blog is for, right?

Full view of the floaty dress.

Those socks got destroyed by my shoes
that day, the whole heel ceased to exist!

No, I don't seem to at the moment. I'm trying something new. I'm attempting to live in the moment a bit more. I seem to have been blessed with many people who call me friend. One who calls me Sister. And... for the first time, I am attempting to actually live there and sit there without analysis and succeeding. I tried back in 2022, during the unpleasantness, but ultimately analysed my way out of it, plus having a stressful low-paid job imnmediately following and throwing myself into that, so that I never really settled in the moment. I suspect it was the twin pillars of finding myself as a trans woman and losing my identity as a teacher at the same time. Pretty big stuff. This time? This time I already know myself as a trans woman, as a big sister, as a Middle and have built a network that was already taking my time and attention, in that I was and am freely giving it. I am part of something that I find important and validating already and the situation is less of a jolt into a journey than a jolt in a journey I am already on. In short, there's nothing quite as big to deal with. I mean, obviously, being out of work is horrid and I'd quite like to be employed, thank you, but I have not identified with my job in the same way as I did back in 2022 and have found my identity, my personhood, in different places. As a consequence, my worries and concerns are different than the last few times I've been in this position.

I worry for and care about Sis. I do the same, but in a different way, for Mummy too. There's the same urge for the Statesian Little that I had for Sis maybe back in last October. It's not quite the same. Either because Sis and I had already met in person or because... I don't know. There's the real philosophical heavy lifting. If I wanted to I could analyse and try to understand why the texture of what I have with Sis, and with Mummy, feels so different to anything I have had in my life so far. I could try to attempt to explain that texture, try to nail down why it feels... so intense? So powerful? So immediate. Yeah, that's the term: immediate. Why Abbi and I have become such firm and deep friends in such a short space of time. Why that friendship also feels so immediate and full. I could.

I could.

But I am not going to. I'm trying something new. I am trying to live in the moment and let it happen. It's not my usual jam. But it takes effort and that's where I am placing my energies. It seems... important for me to do so.

With mah hands above mah head

Every evening when the sun goes down I sit here in my room

Sis brought Kinder Surprise Eggs. 

It transpired as predicted. And I was relatively okay with it all. Did some examining, did some e-mailing of various people. Even managed a walk out to have free coffee at IKEA. I was, in fact, reasonably chipper. I started getting in contact with friends, planning activities for today, leaning into having some actual time to recentre and recouperate. I chatted to Mummy and Bear, felt reasonably confident that I could actaully make some difference and rebuild.

And the lamplight shining on me projects my lonely gloom

When I got home there was a DVD waiting that I'd ordered ages ago of Nimona. If you haven't watched it, and you're reading this, you probably should. The graphic novel was brilliant, is brilliant, but the film takes a slightly different set of beats to tell mostly the same story with a very different emphasis. And that makes it brilliant in a different way. Whereas the novel is an exploration in identity and searching and finding answers, the film is a deep dive into the consequences of having found oneself and what that means. Both are masterpieces. Anyway, I was looking forward to watching it and having some time.

My counterpart in agony mocks each tear that falls

Go. Watch it.

I also ended up somehow sparking contact with someone else in the kink world and was enjoying that too. But, then, things took a turn. I realised I was failing to look after Sis. Like, I was trying, but having no effect. New person, whom I had helped introduce to her, was having a much greater and much more positive effect. I got to questioning what I can achieve. How much difference I actually make. It was not a positive analysis that followed. Compounded by the Statesian Little also having a wobble and also moving toward the newbie. I withdrew, watched quietly from afar, did my dark calculus.

And I cast a lonesome shadow on these lost and lonely walls

Reader, this was drop from the Event on Sunday.

He's always by side at night no matter where I go

So it is that I feel a tad light headed and dizzy today. Trying to maintain hydration, but really not used to the heat and humidity. I had a couple of anchor points today - a call to make and a walk to deliver my appeal form in person. Both of which passed off without too much of a hitch during this horrid heatwave.

He lurks out in the darkness or in the neon's glow
He follows me across the steps and up and down the halls
And I cast a lonesome shadow on these lonely, lonely walls

And there was Sunday. There was the Event. I shall be honest, it was nice to be able to attend and not have to worry about shifts beforehand, which would have finished in the small hours, and thus arrive early at the railway station to meet Bro and Sis. The day was magical. I was able to put into practice a few things I had noted from previous times and thus take time to enjoy some of the aspects of it more. Some of which it turned out that Sis had also been hankering for more than a little bit. I may have cried in joy and at the cuteness a few times. I may also have seen a few people who seemed to have been activated by the dynamic that Sis and I clearly share. A few people commented as such, in fact.

When you touch me I die just a little inside
I wonder if this could be love, this could be love

When it was done, the three of us wandered and had a meal together at a restaurant and... it was magical. I don't have words. Dynamics aside, it was just lovely. It brought home that, yes, I have a family. I have my People. Reiterated that I need employment cos one day I'm gonna kidnap at least Sis and she's gonna need to be looked after and cared for. Like, I can get her a job, but I wanna give her the time and space to just be herself. Either that or I accept she has to be with someone who can provide that for her.

Cause you're out of this world, galaxy, space and time

Big things and Little things

It's been a while.

The exam meeting finished some four 
hours earlier than anticipated. 

I spent those watching MLP:FiM and 
colouring. Don't look too closely. 

I've had a bit going on, frankly. And now examinations have hit. But, in a suprise twist: this year I actually have a life and so have been not as keen to get stuck in. So it is that I have given backword on four of the five I took on before they began. One remains. My favourite. My oldest. I intend to give it a good go, but I am not so certain that I want to sacrifice all of my time to examinaing this year, I have new things occupying my attention.

There will, of course, be a line break.

In the meantime the rising tide of right wing nuttery has been felt. Pinched at times too. There are people at work dislike how I do feminity - I rub their faces in my trans-ness, I was told when I asked - and they have started making noises when I use the loos. Given the wider context of changing guidance, of passed down discrimination subtle enough to make my Mum ring me to share the good news of it including stipulations to say public spaces must provide somewhere for me to pee, I can see the way the wind is blowing. Wars and rumours of wars. But you shall not know the time or the date of my coming and going. Increasing numbers of people feel safe enough to snigger, to comment, to insult, to throw abuse. Never said I was going to pass. But I can spy how the waters are churning. I lack the courage and the will to leave. The time is approaching though. And my choices are already half made. One way or another, I doubt this will end prettily. Collect your own Godwin medal on the way out.

And that's before the furore over zombies migrants and how we need protection and how the hordes are coming to somehow get us. Roads are for cars and Road Tax (that hasn't been a thing as long as I've been aware enough to know of things) does not cover cycle paths or pavements. These are the preserve of non-citizens, it would appear. Never before has idle chatter by people I know in the breakroom seemed so virulent, so hostile, so ill-informed and base and dangerous. It's okay, though, they all have black friends so they can't be racist. 😑🙄

I lose things by degrees.

As I found it when I came downstairs.

Sis has a habit of leaving me things to
find when she comes to visit.

My last time with my Youngest was at a fast food restaurant. It was ten minutes before he started kicking up a stink about where I was sat, not near enough the centre of the bench opposite and then with too much food on show, and then after twenty he got up and sat at another table, back to me. Within another ten he had kicked off about the toilets and then serviettes. It was at this point that Tilly finally took action and said I was going to leave if he didn't behave. He got worse. I left. I shared my sadness. Tilly suggested a break for a while. I said that was a bad idea. It has been nearly three weeks. Tilly always gets what she wants in the end. Speaking of which, I had an e-mail about finances that I had asked to talk about over a year ago. She said she won't budge, but with more words and paid for legal advice 🙄 But, truth is, I can't afford to keep going so... I sent an e-mail back. That was two weeks ago. She said she's 'processing'. I'm sure.

I have continued to get laser. Had a session Wednesday. There were tears. That's how you know it's working. 🤭I'm on the top ups now. Not as effective as electrolysis, does nothing for white or grey hairs. Turns some hair white or grey too. But something. Had a letter sent to me by the GIC (no link in the e-mail that said to click the link, so no idea what it said) but a text said there was an appointment and I had to ring to move that cos it was on a day I was unable to get off work. The lady was really strange about it. She insisted on "writing up the notes" whilst I was on the line when I said I couldn't get the time off and asked if she wanted any days I would be available. She said "no, thank you, but you can send us an e-mail if you like." Right. Okay. They then called when I was at work and driving and left no message. I rang back to be met with an automated message telling me they'd call back. They have not.

Speaking of losing things by degrees. Last Friday someone reported me for using my smartwatch at a timing stop. I mean, I probably checked the time, yes. But that involves swiping. It counts. I was lucky the last time, it cannot hold. I suspect, this time, it is the end. So. I am suspended again. Oh well. Not paranoid enough, as always.

Line break: it is here:

Words

Been a bit of a while.

Basically, life has remained busy and I have struggled to find time. First there was the post I really enjoyed writing and may be my best yet "Where is your Pride?" and then there was some really good times. I felt like things were intensifying. And then, as I hinted, Mummy disappeared. We now know why and we have some details. Not much, but enough and enough to know that it was hard. I stepped up, I chose to do so with all my heart. Because I genuinely want to be able to look after Sis and, if I can, provide a support for Mummy. It happened around the same time as I finally took on a Little to help and I take that seriously too. So, for a while there, I had lots on. Lots of emotional labour and little support I could access.

But, honestly, looking after Sis provides me with energy and life. It really does. She came to visit, the day we heard from Mummy again, and it was amazing. I haven't said much about it - we did Easter things. She had a bath. We watched DVDs. It was amazing. Powerful. We went to the Event again on the weekend and that was... magical. I didn't leave her side the whole day practically and... I'm not sure I have the vocabulary to explain. I'm not sure I ever will. I'm not sure words would be enough even if they existed. And, through all of that, I was becoming increasingly valued and trusted by my Little.

I mentioned reading to them both. It really was and is an honour to be able to do that. And I am beginning to understand a bit more about what people get out of this side of things - the being Big and Domme, I guess - which I never used to understand. I'm not sure I can explain it beyond saying that it is way more fulfilling than I had given credit. And so, when Mummy was able to set up a family call at long last, I went in knowing a little better what she was getting from it all and being less... self conscious as a result. I was able to just enjoy the experience and not worry about 'getting it right', if that makes sense.

And so I have had nearly a fortnight of a new routine. Chat on text to my Little and Sis in the evenings, video call or voice chat with my Little on waking for their bedtime; chat and video if time allows to Sis; get ready for work. Work. Video call with Sis in the afternoon. Repeat. Being given a trusted position on the Server has also been interesting. I find that I can listen to more people, provide them some of what they want sometimes and that is also a powerful feeling. There has been some politics and I nearly let myself get sucked in and beaten down but for being reminded why I do what I do and why I have to be in the game and not fighting imaginary demons. Has it been easy? Oh, no, not at all. It has been hard. But I choose to do this. With all my heart.

And that's where I have been all this time. That's what my life has been. And, you know? I love it. I've never felt so free. I continue to be able to be more me. I keep finding new ways to add to that. New ways to be myself. And it's fun. Yeah, it can be hard, but there's so much fun. So much joy.

I want to wax more lyrical, to pontificate further, but I don't actually know what I would say. I am honoured to be able to do what I do, privileged to have the access I do with the Little and Sis and Mummy and the Server that I have made my online home. I've been allowed in by so many people so that I can support and help and... it's like teaching but with stuff that, rightly, would never be allowed in a school or with people too young to give informed consent in the arena in which I find myself. And, in all of this, I find myself sticking to the Little and/or Middle mindset I have talked about before. See, in many ways, I am still that 14 year old whose Dad just left and trying so hard to plug the gaps left for others. This time I am cognisant that the more I do for others, the more I step up and provide the support, the less I am able to access support for myself. It is the nature of things. BUT there is an important caveat. Part of the support I need is, actually, being provided by being able to care for and support Little Sis and the Little. More the former than the latter. The fact that she has let me in to her world. Allowed me to do the things I do. It's empowering. An honour.

And that's it. Not a lot to share but, at the same time, more than I can put into words.

Wantonly Confused

How do I explain when there are few words I can use?

There are still more of these, you know. 

I am still confused. 

It's been a long time. Longer than I'd like. Things intensified further, things got better. Then a storm broke and things got dark really quickly indeed. Then the storm seemed to pass a little, sunlight got in, and a sense of calm returned.

And, for once, it wasn't me riding it. Not that this is anything other than cold comfort.

Basically, something happened and I was left looking after Little Sis on my own for a bit. Not saying I had to, quite the contrary, I wanted to. I chose to. It was hard, it was tough - and I had recently closed the deal, so to speak, with another Little. Mummy was unavailable. Situation was code red. So I stepped up and did my best.

Somehow we weathered it. And then Sis was able to arrange to visit when our days off coincided unexpectedly. And that was lovely. We had some rough times. I attended a funeral and she and I chatted in the wee small hours cos I woke up and couldn't sleep and she hadn't even started yet. I spoke to my new Little too. Then I went and the funeral was fine. It was fine. No one deliberately misgendered me or used the wrong name. I noted some things. We all ate food. I went home. I had a day off.

Tasteful, n'cest pas?

A week passed. I learned that I really want to read stories to people. I read to Sis over a video call on the Sunday. It was amazing. It was truly wonderful. I loved it. I did it again with a different book (that I apparently got from the author at school!) with the Little and it was just as much fun. Well, no, that's unfair. I enjoyed it. But with Sis was different. Better. It meant more. I managed to see my Middlest a bit and go to a film with Youngest too. Then it was time for Sis to come and visit, just for the day alas.

I had arranged an egg hunt, egg decorating, egg jabbing, rolling eggs and a bath - she doesn't have one at home - and it was glorious. We did the activities, we watched the films and DVDs, we did what we do as a family. And, before all that, Mummy had been back in touch to explain her sudden absence, with what we had expected, but with the good news that she had been checking in on our stuff in the meantime and was just lurking. More to the point, following that wonderful wonderful day that I am still attempting to unpack, she was able to interact and chat with us again. She's been through a lot. She's hurting. But Sis and I were able to enact some actual care in return for a change.

I had Middlest over when Mummy was interacting, we were walking. I worry. Middlest is fine, we interact carefully. They enjoy their time. But I worry. Am I really being the best I can be? No. No I am not. I don't know how best to support them and they don't know how best to explain their needs. We often end up watching YouTube together but without too much interaction. All the painting and model making is now fully relocated to the matrimonial home. Which... well, fine, they get a lot from it and there simply wasn't the time at mine to feed that habit.

It mah butt.

But the day with Sis... I don't even know where and how to begin. It felt natural. Everything. It just felt... natural. I joke about kidnapping her. I don't know that I'm actually joking. I'm not sure that I am actually. The other Little... she's lovely, truly, and great fun to chat to and deal with. But she's not Sis. I'm helping her as a favour to her. I feel like Sis is doing me the favour letting me help her out. Like, all the activities I planned when Sis came to visit - she was indulging me doing them. We met up with Abbi briefly on the way back to my place from the railway station and I began to realise just how privileged I am with Sis. She didn't hug Abbi, had an attack of the shies, and looked to me for support. I can't describe that any better. I can't fully say how it made me feel. Because I don't know. It's all so very positive. I want to do the same for Mummy, you know. I know what Mummy is going through - this blog has the full story of what I know, it's not the same but it rhymes and has a similar meter. And I cry about it. Because I can hug Sis tightly when we meet in person. I can look after her. I can cook meals, I can draw a bath, I can plan activities, I can share space, we can talk, we can do what we do as a family. But I can't do that for Mummy - who needs it just as much. Not in the same way, I know, our roles are different. But Mummy needs some care and some hugs. I know. I been there.

What on earth is this post even trying to say? I don't know.

Christmas 2025

Yes, I am aware this is not Christmassy 
in the slightest. Ask me if I care. 

I do not. 

What ho, fair internet denizen. You have come across my corner of the internet again. It has been Christmas. What news? Why, fellow internetizen, I have little. Oh, what has changed since the last post? Not a great deal. I managed to miss getting in the right food amounts for the destive period following my Mum coming down. I got a bit distracted and had enough for in for her and I to have a meal of the Christmas variety but utterly forgot to get in basics for me like breakfast and meals enough for the bank holidays. Stupid shift times meant that, by the time I realised on the way back from work on Christmas Eve, it was already too late. It's meant being creative - like today with Middlest having a fish, potatoes, carrots and sprouts meal. It's... well, it's very me.

Equally, yesterday was... Not my greatest achievement. I managed a lovely bath, which I ruined by adding cold water and then, when I got in, it was still gritty from the plastering. I hope that the bath did the do in clearing it though, so that'll be nice for next time. And I fully intend to take my mermaid Barbie for a spin with my bath dinosaurs. I've been telling myself the dinosaurs were for Youngest when he used to come and have baths, but he never does any more and it's been over two years and, in those two years, I think I might have got myself to the point that I can admit that I wanna play dinosaurs in the bath again. Anyway, yes, the bath was fine rather than lovely. Then I got out, threw on my bra and dressing gown and... stayed like that all day watching the Good Place that I have never before watched on my Mum's Netflix log in cos she was out all day.

I managed to play some Barbies and... I think I might be a bit broken somewhere inside. And in very specific ways. But that can wait for after a line break later on! I did manage to get some playing done and even managed to eat both a lunch and make a stir fry thing with coconut rice for my tea. Mostly I sat under a blanket and vegetated to Netflix and ate a whole tray of biscuits. No contact from children, a couple of short phone calls from my Dad (he was on the road to visit his Mum who may not make it this season) and a short one from my Mum where she, again, needed supporting and comforting as she cried at me for not being able to visit me. She was fine though, was round a friend's most of the day - it's a tradition - and had had good food and company all day. I tried to message friends, think I was mostly successful. But it was Little Sis who was in contact most of the day over text.

And that's my lot, the rest is work. Well, apart from the TMI coming up...

Okay, here's the line break below...

Antici-

It was an odd and quite lonely week leading up to Little Sis's visit. I'm not used to feeling that quite the same way. Mind you, it came on the end of a previous pretty lonely week so...

There you go, event branding and 
everything. 

We only had one go at the booth... 
we were in the same house. Photos 
were easy.  

Let me explain, following the plays I didn't see either of my younger children until the following Sunday and then one after the other. Then it was early shifts and not much done in the afternoons. It meant that I didn't really get to check in with the people I am now used to seeing and talking to on a regular basis cos the afternoons are quiet. By the time people are active, cos early shifts, I am heading to bed. Which sucks. On the Wednesday a parcel arrived with some fun things in that I deployed in anger on Sunday at the LLI Event though, and that was fun, and I also got to hang out with Little Sis on video call for a few hours in the morning - which I hadn't realised I needed quite so much!

Abbi has been struggling with things and so we hadn't managed to touch base for two weeks either, which had been far more trying than I think I gave it credit. Having Middlest over on the Wednesday afternoon just meant that I couldn't really use the day for anything. It was thus a busy couple of days at work and prepping for Little Sis visiting meaning that I was somewhat stressed on the Saturday with its mega long shift.

Luckily(?) her train was delayed, allowing me to get changed into something better befitting a big sister picking up her little sister and then trog on down to the railway station blasting Anoana by Heilung in my earphones. When I arrived the station was deserted and so I risked a sing-a-long with my eyes closed and dancing. Only to open them and find a fellow not three feet from me grinning ear to ear. "Good show that, gimme another!" he orc-ed at me. No idea why he was there, after I pointedly ignored him he threw some insults and then left the station.

Little Sis arrived, we embraced, and then marched back to mine. It was a fantastic evening, even if I did get all worried and thus didn't fully embrace the fact that my little sister was in my house properly. Still, we shared histories on chat logs, which was fun for her (a little sad for me) and then retired to bed at 3am - eek! She is used to this and thus, in the morning, was raring to go to LLI and I struggled to function properly. Nevertheless, we managed breakfast and despite some bus horror we managed to make the venue on time and were actually first there (but nowhere near first in the queue somehow). Bit of stress for me when I found I couldn't see my ticket but it was all sorted.

I found these on my fridge Sunday morning,
Little Sis had sneakily put them there when
I wasn't looking.

I didn't hug the one on the left when I got home
from dropping her at the station and stopping
off at Abbi's... Nu uh.

Cos I am rational and normal.

Not as huge as last time, but that's because I already had my little sister and already knew that was a thing. More to the point, knowing that, I was able to fall back effectively into my role and ensure she had a good time. It made it fun, just not as manic as Hallowe'en. I got some lovely compliments that people didn't know they were paying and mostly stayed awake enough to have fun. But, in all honesty, that my little sister was having fun and coming back to stay at my place afterwards was far bigger and more momentous than anything on the day. We had Chinese and then had an early night. We shared the bunk beds both nights, obviously she had the top one. And the morning was full of fun too. It was actually really hard to wave her off on the train.

I managed to meet up with Abbi at last too, which was great. Though I did my usual splurge and, as usual, forgot to listen and let her have a turn. When I got home it was... empty. I've been lonely before, for about two weeks beforehand as well, but this was different. The loneliness over the last three weeks is sharper because of the fact that I am genuinely missing someone and the emptiness was because Little Sis had been there to... well... fill my home. She had brought gifts for Christmas and... and I was not prepared for the amount of thought and care that she had put into their choosing. I can't communicate it by listing what she got, it was just... she had really thought about them. And gone out of her way to find them. And, crucially, they were from her too. No, it really brought home the fact that Chosen Family is as real as Family and that... well, we were sisters.

-pation

Thus the last couple of days have been harder than usual. An empty house, lacking something. Busy and frustrating shifts. Long lonely hours between. It's been hard to arrange to see children. So I don't get to see them. Standard stuff from Tilly.

Capping it all off, there was an incident on my bus today. Someone fell. I suspect bad things will happen to me as a consequence, they usually do. I pay for good things one way or another. And the huge good of the weekend must be paid for somehow. A fortnight of failure (or so, maybe closer three weeks now) is drawing to a close - will it go for four weeks? Well, yeah, obviously. I tried to sort something out yesterday, spreading good to more than one person and... it went badly. It was an exhausting and frustrating process that irritated the target, upset me and yielded no apology for the bad behaviour I had been attempting to ameliorate. In short, a frustrating day that provided no pay-off but a burned bridge. I achieved nothing.

Continuing the Story

Life is still pretty good, actually. 🤷‍♀️ Is joy more lasting than happiness? Is happiness what powers joy? 🤔I do not know. Perhaps I never shall.

The many chinned Joanna, 
She's strangely happy for some reason. 

Head demons are still there off and on, but the fact that they're out in the open rather than skulking and hiding in private is actually a bit of an improvement. Even the words they use are slowly changing and... okay, it's hard sometimes, but it is an improvement 🤔 And, well, these days, there's joy to balance it and, for days at a time, the joys are huge. Case in point - for no real reason - my joy was at danger high levels on Monday. Like, I was dancing and twirling all day. I popped in to see Abbi to give her a hug. Just cos. I cleaned my kitchen a bit, rearranged my rooms following repairs.

A new chapter had already begun before I posted the closing of the last. I have regular showers again, I look forward to free time again, I am in contact with people again, I have things I want to do, ideas buzzing. Things to look forward to. Like Little Sis coming for an actual visit soon. Or writing, yes, I am looking forward to writing again. Okay, still wrestling with the 'how' of it, it's been a long time since I genuinely wrote something for someone else to read. Longer still since anyone genuinely read what I wrote. I even had two people, Mummy and Little Sis, offer actual feedback too. Critique even. I've missed that.🥹🫣

I took a friend to IKEA - ostensibly to help them apply for teaching - and ended up buying lunch and a cuddly toy for them? I dunno. Since when did I do that and not worry about finances? Since these days I guess.🤷‍♀️ It's not all plain sailing of course. Thursday came with a realisation about who I am, another one, but not as positive. Now, in the grand scheme of things, this is small potatoes. But it did rather make me analyse the rest of the day. Luckily, a brief call on Friday morning I was able to be a part of helped me put that back in its box. And... yeah. There's a lot of good, is my point.

No further analysis at this time. It is what it is.

Closing a Chapter

I had been prepared for a long, protracted campaign. I was laying in provisions, digging trenches, setting up gun emplacements. But, with the first aerial reconnaissance... there was nothing to be faced. It had all melted away. It took only as long as it took my mental troops to trudge wearily to the location and occupy it to deal with the issue. 🤷‍♀️

So, an intense Monday. An intense set of text chats with Little Sis. An accord, a pact, an agreement: that I wouldn't delete messages any more. I sent some stuff to Mummy. Didn't delete it. And had to wait for her to read it.

And then have her respond, essentially saying: yeah, no, you were hurt - that's valid. Little Sis said the same. Neither of them were scared. Neither ran away. Both were kind. I didn't lose them. 🥹 And then? It was done. Truly. I checked with Abbi, who knows about shadow work, that I wasn't being stupid and she confirmed (and I am all about external confirmation) that, yeah, that made sense. The hard part, I guess, was facing up to the fact that I was hurt and accepting that I was hurt. Don't have to blame anyone. But accepting I was hurt. And having people agree.

I could have done that at any point. Apparently.

But, without the nagging and prodding of Little Sis over a few days, without Abbi joining in, without Mummy to have to inform and worry about losing... I guess I wouldn't have got that far. Now, I'm not gonna diminish the roles of other friends, it could have been done with any of them. It just so happens that right here, right now, was when it happened. Here is the house, where it all happened. Hmm, two song references in close proximity 🤔I doubt anyone will spot them. 😅

And that's the final part of the triptych. That's how this chapter closes. Positively, with nary a ripple.

Saw my children in plays last night. Eldest two in Everyman - with Middlest playing Death. They channelled the same thing I channel with the AoD-Teacher: they were truly terrifying and unsettling. Not to me, I knew what was happening, but I watched the audience and they were spooked! Brilliant work by Middlest, bravo! Eldest was her usual excellent self, but she was upstaged by her younger sibling. Smallest also did fantastically well in his play - knew all his lines, actually acted rather than read from the script in his head. I thought he was the best in his group. Objectively? I dunno. He was very good though. It was a good night.

Did then have a brain malfunction and plan for the wrong shift today - luckily one that would have started an hour and a half earlier - so I had showered and got ready and had the boon of an hour with time to just... be. Very nice. Bit of a Day today, but plenty of positives too.

And... apparently I'm back to pre-whatever-this-was levels of firehosing positivity. 🤷‍♀️

Huh.

Illogical Little Demons

It was coming, I knew it really. Being as positive as I was for as long as I was and still feeling things...

Woah, hey, is that a shower cubicle in 
a bathroom with actual flooring? 

It surely is!

The demons came back on Friday morning. I hadn't had good sleep, my foot was itching and then I scratched it and then it itched more and I didn't want it to bleed but my hand already smelt of rotten foot... Anyway, turns out that sleeping with an itchy foot that is itching like crazy is impossible. So, an early night to get sleep before a 3am start stretched on. I got just over 5 hours in the end. I started reasonably well. But there had been stuff going on the night before and I read back on what I missed and in came the jealously. That was fine, I can wobble my head a bit on that one.

No, worse is the arrival of the demons. Heralding my Inner Critic. Demons that whisper about how I'm boring and not fun to play with. Demons that remind me how hard I find it to chat with people. How much I hide. How many walls I've built internally. How silly all of what I'm up to actually is. Demons that tell me I don't deserve to feel bad or sad and I certainly don't deserve to feel happy.

I spammed some messages to Mummy - after all, I am challenging myself to be more open and actually let people in for a change. I figured she wasn't awake yet, I had time. Then Little Sis got in contact, and shared some screencaps of her morning conversation with Mummy (she was unaware of my demons: see, I told you, I'm not good at sharing). Mummy was up. Had been a while. The demons started whispering the sort of stuff Tilly used to tell me. The sort of stuff I used to tell myself. I knew the Inner Critic was coming.

I watched an episode of Stoppit and Tidy Up the other day on a whim, about the Big Bad I Said No! as it happens. It reminded me of a point of my life when I was between being a child and becoming what I became. A 26 minute podcast from Abbi would help me put the feeling into words later. Point is, I was worried about that Inner Critic showing up in much the same way the Big Bad I Said No operates on the show. I deleted all my spam to Mummy as I waited at a timing stop, then set off, and my watch pinged. A brief glimpse: Mummy had responded. She hadn't managed to read any of the messages, but had got a vague notion of what was going on. She offered a chat later.

I had errands at the end of work. I tried to put the demons back in their cages. It was windy. I was using my umbrella that I inherited from Grandpa. Older than my children, always reliable. A gust caught it, turned it inside out. I was just sorting it when a second gust hit and one of the arms snapped. I tried to jimmy it back together, got reasonably far, and a third gust hit, snapping two more arms and pulling the one I'd fixed apart. I smashed the umbrella into a wall a few times. Threw it. Beat a lamppost with it. Dead now. Like the spiders in my youth. Dead now.

Tears. I bin the umbrella. Take a few deep breaths. My hood is leaking. Cheap and useless work coat. I make my errand. Manage to navigate the deliberately hostile NHS process to book blood tests for HRT - I have to ask for them, the GP is never told to give them, there is no way to input it into the system except as something I request. There's a note: can be refused without reason. The receptionist apologises, navigates the system, books me in. I feel a bit bruised. I get the bus home, I ain't walking in the rain. My hair ribbons keep falling down my pigtails.

I get home.

I manage to call Mummy for a chat. But, like with therapy, I am annoying in these cases. I've already analysed. I've already reached conclusions. It's been seven hours by now. More than enough time to rebuild the casing, to reapply the border guards, to re-erect the barbed wire and clear the anti-tank ditches. My brain is now fully reshielded, old teacher-senses in full effect. I reveal nothing and the blast doors slam shut once more.

It's not over.

I barely manage to interact with Mummy for the rest of the day. I just... don't. I hide it from Little Sis. Mummy reads here, cos I shared the link. Thank goodness this entry wasn't written yet, eh?

The day ended with this concoction.
Yes please.

Saturday is better. I have a working shower. I use the shower. It is lovely! I have had a second today. And things are good. I get the 26 minute podcast from Abbi, pure gold, absolutely amazing, nails on heads throughout. I even manage to respond. She says more nice things. I was gonna write, but am stopped in my tracks by some amazing joint writing instead. Some amazing stuff on display, no deets, just know that I was applauding at more than one point because of how it all worked. Every player plays their roles, some rugs are pulled beautifully - the writing is adroit... it was intense. I was genuinely in it. Like... the room went dark and I didn't even notice. I have the house floorplan in my head - it fell out of my brain a few days ago fully-formed. Now the rooms began to take shape properly in my mind. At one point I could see it. When it was paused, it wasn't done, I had to sit and breathe a bit. It's like I had to recover and then slowly make my way to bed. It was a good day. I got grocery shopping done, did some life admin. Even got to bed on time and slept.

Today.

I'm in a good mood. I have another shower. No leaks. No problems. No issues. Bathroom clean enough to use it. I love it. I listen to Abbi's podcast again. It's not a real podcast, I just mentioned the length and Mummy said it sounded like one and I stole it cos it made me giggle. I even have plans for the day. I want to write. I want to play. I start on them too - clearing and moving shelves in the front room to allow for skirting boards to be repaired, buying in ingredients for a curry tomorrow when Abbi visits, meeting Youngest for a meal at the Scottish Restaurant... it all goes really quite well. Plenty of time to spare, no flashpoints, no issues, no problems... nothing. Even the weather holds and stays dry and not too cold.

I get home. I end up somehow helping someone out on the Server, I have to channel my teacher again, and, at the same time, have a Little Sis being super happy and sharing that with me. All good, right?

But my containment wasn't. One of the little illogical demons is still out.

Someone's not in bed.

Who's not in bed?

Iggle-Piggle's not in-
No, wait, Joanna's not in bed.

Someone is trying too hard.

Little Sis is good. She knows how to play. I kinda do, a bit, but I'm more the surreal humourist, I guess, there's not a lot I leave for people to do when I start. I begin narratives and then just keep going. You've read here a bit, you know what my diction is like. I am scary to deal with when I get going. Indeed, one chap on the Server decided to challenge and I smacked him down so hard I think I may have broken him a bit. I channel my Teacher, well, the Angel of Death part. My AoD-Teacher is not to be messed with. I have honed the AoD-Teacher well, people quail at it, it projects an unassailable air. It makes people nervous. Very nervous. I don't like my AoD-Teacher. It's mean. It's brutal. It's kind, but the kind of sharp kindness that cleaves rather than protects, that makes people vulnerable and raw, but doesn't offer absolution, only guilt.

"You feel that feeling? It's guilt. I can't offer absolution, I'm afraid, only point it out to you. You have to deal with that on your own." the Angel of Death Teacher says to her victims.

It's not me. Alas, it's still there, haunting my interactions. Sis? She's just fun. People like that.

And I was planning to write. "It's like reading a headache" - I might have PTSD from that comment. Or something at any rate. That and knowing people don't really read my screed. It's long. Daunting. Hard. It scares people. Even my new handwriting is just as impenetrable in its own way as my old. I have tested, because I am that scary, and found people do not read my handwritten work. I have tested and found people, at best, skim my longer form typing. Here is different, it's... whatever style this is. Stream of consciousness? Is it the present-ish tense? The conversational style? Less obscurantist. More approachable? I dunno. Anyway, she was doubting her own popularity and I stepped in to remind her that, no, she's very well liked.

Except that the demon was out. And I was tired after channeling my Teacher again. And so I slowly fall apart. Except, this time, it was mid chat to Little Sis - so she got a glimpse of what was going on. Only a glimpse, but enough of a chink in my armour to grapple a bit more of a view. I'm still me though, I can clang things shut. Or hold out long enough for something else to grab attention. I almost fail. Almost. But I don't have several decades of experience for nothing. Just as I crumble, bang, we have a new focus - I live, I die, I live again. So: no writing; no playtime; and a hidden crisis of... what? I don't know. Thank God for the distractions of others.

I was wrong, of course, I over-estimated my ability to predict, under-estimated the ability of others to act. But that's a story for another post.