Cobwebs

It's been a long long time. Much longer than I am used to on this blog where I have tried (though it may not seem it) to maintain a 15 post per month rule. Ha.

Well, who wouldn't?

So, why the long face? It's not a long face, I'm just a little hoarse. Hmm, no, that still sounds just as non-sequiter as ever! What can I say? I just haven't found the time nor the inclination to be posting since I saw Mad Max, no correlation, just as it is. Work has continued to be very kind, which is probably bad for me in the long term as I tend to do little when not being driven to do so and the government would like very much for me to completely change all my examination courses which will require some changes in the teaching lower down too to prepare students adequately. Examination work has hit and hit hard, in that I have marked many more papers than normal. I cannot and will not complain about this, it also means that I have earned (well, maybe too strong a term: been given) more money for things. I am trying to save for an electric car.

It means that intimacy is missing again, though Tilly has mentioned it a few times since the start of June. Five, if we're counting, since February and a number of actions toward that (about four if I'm right) so we're still on for the strict definition of sexless marriage this year despite the thaw. Better than the twice a year since 2007 though so I shan't be complaining about that. No dressing since the last time I posted about it on here, one aspect of having more conversation with Tilly is that she is about in the same space as me more often and my examination marking has prevented any sojourns to the spare room for me of an evening. In any case, Tilly's book work takes her there more than I these days so the chances to snatch a moment with my wardrobe are pretty small.

Jealous? Moi? Well, now that you mention
it, yes.

I am uncomplicated and impossible to please
all at once. Nor do I laud ridiculous femininity.

Or... maybe I do. Misogyny masquerading as
something else, I wouldn't be the first.

My free time online has been reduced considerably by playing about on websites of ill-repute and self-pleasure - the age old addiction that I have. Well, that and online games of various small types. Very much how my mind works, especially at this end of the school year. Couple that with a lack of inspiration lately, Tilly continues to be better at being me than I am, and you have a recipe for me just not doing much of anything. I even stopped posting beer reviews on my other blog and there's been no activity there since the beginning of July. I've just felt... drained? No, that makes it sound bigger than it is. I've just not had anything to say really.

Plenty of thoughts, plenty of observations, just nothing worthy of a blog post or anything meaty to say about anything. Everyone is still around, they're all having actual meaningful life events with actual meaningful struggles and such and I am not having those things. Life is. And my relationship is also. It just is. My hand hurts from all the online marking (no, really), and I have bought the soundtrack for Mad Max: Fury Road because it is brilliant. My birthday came and went, unnoticed at work (as I like it) and unmarked by my brother (as normal). The children were keen to give cards and presents (beer) and Tilly has said she will pay for a brewery tour (not sure I'm all that bothered to go tour a brewery, but free beer in the offing I guess) - she's trying very hard. Got some books too for myself and that's about it. I've spent so many years building up this shell on birthdays I think I'm finally seeing the results - and I rather like it passing the way it does without any fuss.

Less balloons, less cake, no hat.

Okay, and not the model.

Imagine a hole. Ooh! Yes:
imagine a hole

I'm not that worried about getting old (ha) but I have always hated the disappointment of it not being as exciting nor as fun as I was hoping. This way I am never disappointed because I have killed it long before it rolls around and most people neither notice nor care. I can plan for that in advance. I have succeeded at long last.

I still stop and sigh at nice dresses in windows. Still see fashions I would like to try. Still have some jealousy for colleagues who dress well for their style (so, pretty much all of them but especially the female ones) and still yearn for something that I never had and never will. Perhaps it doesn't exist. It's a feeling, not a thing, so it's not like I can buy it.

The holidays have begun in earnest. I hope to get the work done I need to do and maybe, maybe, have a holiday. I have a wan smile at this sentiment, I shall have time off work, to be sure, and good times with the family (today being a case in point, we went to a lovely park with rides and such and a good time was had by all - not a theme park) but I shall not have a holiday as such. And that's not necessarily a bad thing.

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