Excelsior

My weekend did not go as planned. I had been very much looking forward to it. Despite all my murbling and worries, I had thought: the weekend will be a lovely way to end my time off and fill me up before doing battle with my own very particular set of demons as well as being able to support my friends whom I love. I kind of bet the kitchen sink on it.

Oh, hey, here's a thing from my youth. 
😳😳😳🫣 

However, first of all, Abbi couldn't make a coffee shop meet up, and the heatwave got mad. And, when I managed to accidentally on purpose meet up with Abbi I ended up wandering about with her for two hours in the heat of the day without an adequate plan for hydration. I had intended to go get some shopping, see her for ten minutes, get home and have some lunch with plenty to drink and then spend the afternoon replacing my lady shaver that had chosen that morning to stop working. This was Thursday. Instead, I went out, met up with Abbi, and then spent two more hours out with no more than a coffee. This meant I did not venture forth in the afternoon, got distracted and only realised come morning that I was dehydrated and probably suffering heat stroke. Because I am so clever and good at working out my moods and feelings and health. 🙄😒

Anyway, I went and collected both siblings at the station the following day, having failed to buy a new shaver again (none in stock in the supermarket) and realising with dawning horror that I might not have got enough food in after all. Luckily, for me, I got to spend some time with just Sis and I at the station when she arrived and ensure she had a lunch, I correctly identified that she had not packed nor eaten one in advance, and then we headed back to mine. Bro departed to wrap a present and Sis and I caught up on some much needed chat to set the tone. A strange interlude was weathered vaguely and I don't think threw anyone but me off balance. Then it was films and me cooking a Little meal for the sibs that went down well, even if it did rather make me something of a third wheel, a theme that would become something of a constant. A second film was indulged then it was time for a storytime. This went pretty well, actually, but I hadn't actually sorted out a timetable nor properly prepared because of the previously mentioned issues and the whole heatstroke thing so I ended up being surprised by a move to a back up bed for the night. Feeling a bit third wheelish already this just confirmed my bad feelings and made for a bit of a sad end to the day.

I never questioned why the dog got a
spanking as well.

Morning came, I did my usual making of breakfasts and lunches and managed to get myself sorted relatively easily, even if getting clothes was a bit of a dicey game. I was once again third wheeled in short order, which... fine. I guess I put myself in that role. But autistic frustration is a dangerous beastie and I've not had to deal with her in a while so I was a bit out of practice. I didn't see how danger close I was getting and when an incident occurred I found myself losing it and then retired to try and deal on my own. Except that when I shut the room door, as I had the windows flung open, it ended up slamming and thus terrifying Sis. Bro was who I blew up at. So, he was sobbing, she was hiding in the bathroom and I had to try and fix all that and get us all out the door and to the venue. I am so good at being a host. That's sarcasm.

Once there I was in the mood to drop them off and bugger off to the local city and lose myself there. I was vaguely convinced to hang around but then the fall out from that fall out on The Tuesday reared its head and I was all for bolting. Sis followed me out and I had to shoo her back inside the venue to join some activities and, honestly, without that I would have gone. Anyway, I did go back, resolved to leave, and ended up causing a panic attack in Sis, who was already struggling with me leaving her and Bro, and so I ended up staying and calming her. It meant I stayed and I did manage to stop the panic attack I also caused. I was doing so very well this Saturday. I stayed mostly disengaged in the activities and it culminated in the perfect recreation of every school disco I've ever attended in that I was shunned and did my own thing in a corner. 😔

These all come from the same comic
book, by the way. 1987! 😱

The evening was food, film, third wheeling again, and then some normal routine for Sis and I briefly before retiring to my back up bed for some less than good sleep. Sibs shattered by a fun day, me attacked by head demons and heat, and that was the end of the day.

At least on the Sunday morning I was in less of a volatile mood. I skipped breakfast and a shower and stuff and focussed on prepping Bro and Sis to leave in time. Did not do terribly well, defaulting to a third back up plan and arriving near bang on the last time I had prepared to arrive at. Did manage to mess up a relatively simple coffee order though, which was probably a good indicator that I wasn't doing very well. Anyway, I had assumed attending the event for a second day would go better as there were more people there and it would be harder for the shunning pain of the previous day to hurt me. I was wrong. It hurt more. And, again, I was third wheeled. Several points had me off to one side while Bro and Sis had fun or napped together and... well, I mean, that's fair. I hadn't really considered how possessive and jealous I might get, and, well, I've had plenty of time with just Sis and I lately so it's only right she and Bro get some quality time together. Home for the now traditional Chinese take out and then they were having silliness and eating sweets most of the night, playing up to me having to be the grown up. Again, I should have seen that coming but it's not the role I enjoy at all. I don't mind being the Big Sis, but being frozen out of the Little dynamic and cast as 'villain', even in jest, is something I really struggle with. It's happened so often in my life for real...

Have an older photo.

I did not sleep well that night. Despite finally getting a chance to spend some time with Sis. It was also obvious that I had shattered the trust built up painstakingly with Bro with my explosion the day before and, well, I don't blame him. Let's not forget how effectively I have blown things up with Tilly and my children in the past. Why should he or Sis cut me more slack than my own sodding family? The following morning was another breakfast skipped and a shower forewent. Sis did not hug goodbye as normal. 😔 Bro started talking new bikes and amount of money he, it turned out, did have on hand - which was not inconsiderable - but ear-marked for buying books and that grated on my very autistic budgeting self. Like, sure, you can pay for posh books, but you can't pay for meals? Priorities I guess. 🤷‍♀️

Then I was yelled at by a white van man, I didn't catch all of it, just the repeated "faggot" (bigots are so unimaginative, I seem to get that a lot) and the threat to run me down if he saw me again accompanied by a revving of his engine (I was behind a barrier on the pavement by this point, so, idle threat, but delivered with some venom). I had a very shaky walk home from the supermarket, where I had gone, and then failed to do much. I slept reasonably well last night but today has been another attack of head demons and feeling very lonely. I have left the Event discord server after a brief chat with a friend who is a mod there confirmed that, yes, I was shunned by people and that it was an understandable reaction given the situation. No. I don't want that to be a thing people feel they have to do. The Event is a place of kindness and friendship and openness and trust. If I'm making that impossible for people I do not belong at that event. I've also been off the Server I've called home all the weekend too after winding someone up there too. It's been an excelsior weekend for me. Full marks.

Blink and you miss it

My life is very busy and very full, and I say this not as a complaint, merely an observation. You wouldn't think so to read this place lately, seems I haven't been saying much, but I do have a lot going on and it's hard, even on my weeks off, to have the time to think through things enough to chat about them here. I like to think, to flatter myself a bit, that when I post here I have something that is worthy to share in part because I have turned it over a few times and have some half-formed ideas.

So, what has happened since my last set of utterances? Everything and nothing.

I also bought me some actual new clothes 
again. This time a t-shirt and dungaree 
dress. I may quite like the style. Shush. 

Gary and his boys were down my end of the country, I took them to an ill-advised eatery in a local urban conurbation that was over priced and a bit tat. Conversation was sort of semi had. Because my news, what had me excited, was a surprise visit to see my Little Sis on the previous day. I had noted she was lone working and that trains were reasonably cheap and regular and taken advantage. I live blogged my progress to Mummy and tried to be to far too clever in getting photos for a putative treasure trail I was hoping to set up for Sis to do on a day off at random in the future. As it was, Sis was struggling and needed intervention, because she knew I was off, she asked me for help and I was still bimbling around uselessly in the centre of her town. After setting things up for a 'proper call when I had signal' I caught a bus and got to her place of work as quickly as I could. I misjudged what her look of surprise would be like and so simply got her face buffering like an internet browser on a dodgy connection as I walked into the shop. I was able to hang out with her for a bit before she actually closed the shop for a break like she's supposed to and had some actual food for lunch and a bit of time to help her focus in the back room. Then I took on a shift like a volunteer to help out and help her stay focussed on what she needed to do with chat and the occasional eyebrow. By the end of her shift she needed a bit more time to focus and then took me home to provide me with food. In short, it was lovely.

I had a very mad green beer on Saturday.
Pay no attention to the awful hair.

The following day I was a bit tired, if I'm honest, but managed to get out to meet Gary and his children and then, the following day, I took Middlest to join Gary and his children at a place where lead and plastic minis could fight and we could all marvel at huge dioramas and painting prowess. The children raced on ahead and enjoyed themselves mostly independently, whilst Gary showed excellent parenting skills in relating the background of the exhibits and why we should care what was on display. It was so effective it helped me too! We had a lovely lunch together and then they all played some actual games and had loads of fun. And me? I enjoyed being able to watch them all having fun - running for drinks and just joining in the banter and enjoying the general silliness of the system and the way the models interact. I'm not good at playing the game because I get very invested and autistic rage rises quickly when I make mistakes or the rules don't accommodate my wishes in terms of movement and fluidity (which is fair, I get weird). I am bad loser, well, that's what my parents told me enough that I have no better vocabulary to describe my issues playing games. Watching others removes that pressure and allows me to enjoy things more. I never claimed to be normal. It went really well and we were able to end on a high.

My supplies packed to see Sis.
Note Smol Bear, my birthday addition,
who came with me.

Then it was two days of preparation to go and see Sis again, no surprise this time, to celebrate her birthday. I had a treasure trail supplied by my Mum for her hometown and we were able to carry it out effectively. She seemed to really enjoy it and we settled easily enough into our dynamic before finishing with a packed birthday picnic I'd taken, even if we failed to light the candle I'd bought for the occasion, and then mooch round some shops that Sis wanted to go to together. We finished with a bus ride to her place and a tea provided for us by her boyfriend. We then retired to watch Encanto and do some colouring in. Alas, I got autistically involved in my phone for a spell and forgot to actually, you know, interact in person with someone who was right there. I'd done the same at the meal before gaming earlier in the week. I suck sometimes. One of my big issues is getting too involved with the people in my phone, as previously discussed.

The weekend was filled with watching Sis live-cast her actual birthday celebrations and feeling pretty lonely, truth be told. It started to get hot and I crashed on the Sunday completely, only functioing properly on the following day and even then not at full capacity. Nor today. I failed completely to get any writing done, even blogging fell by the wayside amid my brain just refusing to fully engage. Both Bro and Sis are visiting this weekend to attend an Event together and that's going to be different. Sis has stopped over a few magical occasions, but this will be the first time Bro has joined us. Does mean that I have some significant tidying and cleaning to do. Won't be hard once I get going, I've already bottomed the house properly, so things just need dealing with rather than starting from scratch.

Smol Bear accompanied me on the surprise visit too.
Here she shows me a fountain and some stepping
stones.

On top of all of this, Mummy has once again had to disappear due to issues at her end. I feel awful because they carry echoes of my own past. Because it honestly reads like it rhymes and I know how that journey can feel. Even if I cannot accurately predict where it may go or whither it may lead. It happened after the surprise visit to Sis but before the birthday one. We shall see when and how it ends this time. And I worry about her. For her. Abbi is also feeling the burn at the moment, which concerns me too because, again, there is nothing I can do to help in any meaningful way. But I do what I can and support those I can.

Discussion with Gary showed that there is a limit to what he can take from me about my hyperspecific interests and my parents were always ill equipped to deal with me in terms of support too. How can my Dad support a trans-daughter when both he and his wife think I'm faking it for some ill-defined reasons and refuse to refer to me by name to family or friends? How can my Mum offer any support when she barely understands my having a Sis, much less a Mummy, and insists on trying to quantify my spending and compare it to what is being spent on me by them (this is impossible, and not how human relationships work)? All of which is to point out that, well, it's hard to know who to turn to for the ability to ramble. Like, nearly everything I can chat to Sis about, but there are limits.

Birthdays

Sometimes the best way to start a post is just to start it and get on with what you want to say.

One of my presents from Sis. 

It is perhaps the most special of them 
all. 

My birthday happened. It came and it went. And I knew that Abbi and Sis were coming to help me celebrate it but I had not got times of arrival and leaving from Sis, which is highly unusual. So, when I got a message at the end of my shift the day before she was due telling me I needed to get in touch I knew something was up. Turns out she had hoped to get to my house, she has a key, earlier on and surprise me by doing some cleaning (the minx) and then have time together. Unfortunately, for her, she got trapped by the heatwave and buckling rails. However, this was perfect for me, I had the opportunity to go and meet her off the train and walk home with her in tow. I could help her with her bags, avoid having her clean and just have time being sisters. It was wonderful.

I got all flustered trying to sort out where she would sleep - I hadn't planned that far ahead assuming it was a day visit - because of the heatwave aforementioned. Her usual spot on the top bunk was out as far too hot. In the end we resolved it to both of our satisfaction and had a lovely sleepover. Come morning I was able to supply breakfast, again unplanned, in the form of my usual granola with yoghurt and fresh blueberries, and we sat in companionable contemplation chatting and texting Mummy. I managed to shower without a huge flid-fit this time and then found that Sis had decorated my living room for my birthday. She got video of my genuine surprise and happiness, sending it to Abbi and Mummy - the former confirming that she'd never seen me look so happy - and then we had a good giggle together as I opened presents.

My representation of Mummy in craft form.

Yes, I know. No, I don't care.

Sis and I then attended to some other matters, like getting her hair washed and brushed; getting her dressed and sorted for the day and then I gathered lunch together in time for Abbi to join us. We watched some My Little Pony and the Trolls movie (the sing a long one, not the horror film from Finland) and coloured some craft items and then ate lunch and then coloured some more. Just sharing space and company and being happy. It was glorious. I loved it. I haven't had as happy a birthday for long enough that this seemed very unusual indeed, very different, very special. Then Abbi had to go and Sis and I spent some more time just being together. No pressure. No need to do anything, just enjoying the moments. And Mummy, although not physically there, was very much there in spirit as we both of us kept in contact.

We finished with some more matters to attend to, then I helped her pack and walked her to the station in plenty of time for her train. We hugged. She left. I did my cutomary run alongside the train as it gathered speed, making her blush more than ever and hide her face as she giggled.

And I lived off the high for the next day at work. Yes, my house felt extra empty. I said it last time, but it's true. When Sis and Abbi are over I actually want to decorate and tidy up. I want to make the place more comfortable. I want to get proper furniture, sort the yards out. Like when my children would visit regularly. And when Sis has gone I feel the house return to being a house, to fade from the warmth and colour of having Sis in it. Of having home bloom and grow in her joy and guileless good humour, her happiness, her trust and feelings of safety. Well, there's a post.

Tempus Fugit

Tuesday was wonderful this week.

Posh togs for the day! 

I know, right? Been ages. 

Little Sis was unexpectedly able to visit and so she came over. I had arranged for some new friends to join us too and was super excited. Sis arrived early and we assumed company was arriving midday so got on with things we couldn't so very well do if I was entertaining, just cos timings as much as anything else, but company arrived early. Sis and I finished what we were doing, but were absent a good 45 minutes, and then I tried to get things back on track. I do not feel like it went to my new friends' tastes and we rapidly ended up split into two bubbles. Food did not help matters, they had not been able to check the menu I sent in advance and I assumed they had. I slipped up, big time, and then things spiralled. They left, I thought still happy but trying to hit another appointment, and would later learn that that had not been the case. They are now... not friends, not new friends. But, that has now been firmly put to bed, there's nothing more I can do.

But Abbi then turned up and the three of us, Sis, Abbi and I, had a lovely time watching Nimona and Matilda: the musical and ordering Chinese food and just being in the same room. It was truly, truly glorious. I felt genuinely blessed and happy and home. I wish I could wax more lyrical, go into more depth and detail (and I no doubt could) but the main fact, the important thing, is just how lovely it all was. How natural. How warm. How comfortable. For all of us. Living in the moments. The afternoon flew by but felt like it was forever. Abbi went home. Sis and I stayed together a bit longer before I walked her to her train home, that we didn't miss this time, and it was just a lovely, lovely time. The house felt... feels empty without her and Abbi. Without that warmth and love and companionship. When they were both there... when it was just Sis and I... that was home. Truly. More than I've ever known. And, as regular readers will know, I have felt home a few times. Honestly, the high of this afternoon is still felt. It is a series of wonderful happy memories that won't quickly fade. Added to others of a similar calibre: Easter, the day trip to see Sis, Easter LLI, June LLI, February weekend, Sis stopping overnight... And more to come.

Got a bit stressed if this damage to my
thumb from picking is anything to go by.

I then had the appeal the day after. Short meeting. Hour or so walk there, about five minutes, wait for Union Rep to leave meeting (40 mins) and then about an hour or so walk back. Got some marking done. Middlest was over the day afterwards. We had a walk, watched Nimona (I seem to be doing that a lot, keeps making me cry), and they enjoyed it and remarked how on the nose it was to their experience and how much they seemed to have missed when they saw it. Then, as I prepared food, I learned the appeal had been successful and that I have my job back. This is good news, if entirely unexpected, it meant starting work at 0310 the following day! Bit of a change of plans, to be honest.

Yesterday I went back to work, took on extra hours like an eejit, failed to use the time wisely afterward, went to see the new Minions film (don't) with my youngest and then flopped home. Yes, the whole time was just the film, no extra. To give an indication of how long it's been, I got my only father's day card at this point. It was nice to spend even a little time with Youngest, even if he had a mini strop (again) as we walked home.

Back on at work today. Plenty to do. One drawback of living in the moment is that, sometimes, the moments aren't that interesting. Makes the times they are really stand out though.

Heterotemporality

Or: the elasticity of Time

I might live like this at the moment. 

Maybe. 

I think I've talked about this before. But it has become increasingly relevant in my life. Heterotemporality is a term I learned back in 2021 and scoffed a little at. Not that I thought it didn't exist but that I thought it would never be experienced by myself cos, like, what queer spaces did I move in? The idea that time works differently in them was thus purely academic. And the elasticity of time was a concept I remembered from when I was an actual child but not something that affected me much in my life at the time.

Well.

Now I move in a very queer space most of my time and... Well, not to put too fine a point on it, but Mummy is younger than me temporally and yet I still can't shake the feeling that I am her junior cos, well, I'm her little girl. Even when we operate more as peers I still feel her junior. Cos I kinda am? So, like, there's some heterotemporality right there. And, talking with Abbi, she pointed out how busy I seem to have been since New Year - the last two weeks have felt like a lifetime.

So, not that long ago this year but also, like, a lifetime ago, Mummy and Little Sis and I had a series of very open and very deep and very honest conversations. And I realised that, somehow, we'd all got a bit closer to be able to reach that point. And I had to contend with the fact that, well... I've said before that Little Sis is, well, a sister - and she is - but I think it's even truer now than it had been before. And that my relationship with Mummy, whilst nowhere near as close and powerful and deep as what Sis and her have going on, was at least as close as what Sis and I had in November - which was already pretty dang close, by the way. And this has happened in a quite short space of time too. The elasticity of time.

Observe the desk.

On Tuesday, Mummy and I got chance to catch up over video call.

So, only a couple of weeks ago someone reached out to me via Fet, where I have more active profile all of a sudden, and offered to be a Tutor. No deets here. Not yet anyhow. But I was intrigued and agreed. Within the week he set work for me and I did it... this last Monday. I did it in uniform, you may have spotted that look has somewhat taken over for me lately, and spent just over two hours in exam conditions doing an actual exam. I got my marks back today and given instructions to practice my handwriting - which I did tonight. Elasticity of time. Now, I can't say I didn't enjoy it on some level from start to finish. If I didn't I'd've noped out and not done it. Or, at least, not in uniform.

But I've said before: I like it real.

Mummy was interested and I have been sharing the whole experience and she loves it. And, I confess, I have too. And, when I shared my marks, Mummy effortlessly picked up what was happening and ran with it - with actual examples from our time together and... heterotemporality rears its head again. And it has been lovely. Oh, and on Tuesday, Mummy and I managed to finally catch up on call. And we spent a good chunk of time just discussing my lucking out with gaining a Tutor in this space and what that entails and my thoughts on it and how I seem to have just... well, it's not just being a Little. Apparently I'm also a Middle? Who knew? Not I. But I am. Can't deny that I am feeling much more 'Middle' than 'Little' since... I dunno, sometime before or around Christmas? Anyway, that's where I am, I guess.

Also, not that long ago, I had a really strange and quite vivid dream that I was woken out of by my alarm before it reached a critical point and, because of how things are, I completed the dream in real life and then, because we're all being more open, I shared both the dream and the continuation with Mummy and... well, it became absurdly relevant in our catch up, let's put it that way. You may recall me obliquely referencing a time when I said Sis and I had been squirmingly gazumped? Well, no gazumping here, but Mummy had clearly paid attention because it was, again, something else. I didn't regress, so much, this time as I did fall more into the space I've been in lately. It was truly intense in a way that... Well, heterotemporality.

So the flip out cos family stuff was a rude awakening.

Ah, yeah, that.

So, I learned a bit more about what has gone on with Eldest yesterday from Tilly. And also had some stuff crack off with Youngest. Apparently I am a ball of red flags and bullying to my children. And that was a hard thing to parse when I have so many people in the queer space lauding me for being supportive and kind and honest. I don't doubt what my children report, by the way, I merely relate that it is hard for me to hold both parts in my head. It was hard to hear. I had a bit of a wobble about it for the rest of the day. One would. I'm still unsure how to fix things. If they even can be fixed. Whilst, simultaneously, having to deal with things going so well for me in other arenas.

Muller Rice advert: pleasure must be balanced with pain. Somehow my brain feels this is like some kind of cosmic truth. Like God Himself wrote it into the fabric of my being. My difficulties with my children are somehow connected to the good that is happening elsewhere.

And that's what I got for this entry.

Antici-

It was an odd and quite lonely week leading up to Little Sis's visit. I'm not used to feeling that quite the same way. Mind you, it came on the end of a previous pretty lonely week so...

There you go, event branding and 
everything. 

We only had one go at the booth... 
we were in the same house. Photos 
were easy.  

Let me explain, following the plays I didn't see either of my younger children until the following Sunday and then one after the other. Then it was early shifts and not much done in the afternoons. It meant that I didn't really get to check in with the people I am now used to seeing and talking to on a regular basis cos the afternoons are quiet. By the time people are active, cos early shifts, I am heading to bed. Which sucks. On the Wednesday a parcel arrived with some fun things in that I deployed in anger on Sunday at the LLI Event though, and that was fun, and I also got to hang out with Little Sis on video call for a few hours in the morning - which I hadn't realised I needed quite so much!

Abbi has been struggling with things and so we hadn't managed to touch base for two weeks either, which had been far more trying than I think I gave it credit. Having Middlest over on the Wednesday afternoon just meant that I couldn't really use the day for anything. It was thus a busy couple of days at work and prepping for Little Sis visiting meaning that I was somewhat stressed on the Saturday with its mega long shift.

Luckily(?) her train was delayed, allowing me to get changed into something better befitting a big sister picking up her little sister and then trog on down to the railway station blasting Anoana by Heilung in my earphones. When I arrived the station was deserted and so I risked a sing-a-long with my eyes closed and dancing. Only to open them and find a fellow not three feet from me grinning ear to ear. "Good show that, gimme another!" he orc-ed at me. No idea why he was there, after I pointedly ignored him he threw some insults and then left the station.

Little Sis arrived, we embraced, and then marched back to mine. It was a fantastic evening, even if I did get all worried and thus didn't fully embrace the fact that my little sister was in my house properly. Still, we shared histories on chat logs, which was fun for her (a little sad for me) and then retired to bed at 3am - eek! She is used to this and thus, in the morning, was raring to go to LLI and I struggled to function properly. Nevertheless, we managed breakfast and despite some bus horror we managed to make the venue on time and were actually first there (but nowhere near first in the queue somehow). Bit of stress for me when I found I couldn't see my ticket but it was all sorted.

I found these on my fridge Sunday morning,
Little Sis had sneakily put them there when
I wasn't looking.

I didn't hug the one on the left when I got home
from dropping her at the station and stopping
off at Abbi's... Nu uh.

Cos I am rational and normal.

Not as huge as last time, but that's because I already had my little sister and already knew that was a thing. More to the point, knowing that, I was able to fall back effectively into my role and ensure she had a good time. It made it fun, just not as manic as Hallowe'en. I got some lovely compliments that people didn't know they were paying and mostly stayed awake enough to have fun. But, in all honesty, that my little sister was having fun and coming back to stay at my place afterwards was far bigger and more momentous than anything on the day. We had Chinese and then had an early night. We shared the bunk beds both nights, obviously she had the top one. And the morning was full of fun too. It was actually really hard to wave her off on the train.

I managed to meet up with Abbi at last too, which was great. Though I did my usual splurge and, as usual, forgot to listen and let her have a turn. When I got home it was... empty. I've been lonely before, for about two weeks beforehand as well, but this was different. The loneliness over the last three weeks is sharper because of the fact that I am genuinely missing someone and the emptiness was because Little Sis had been there to... well... fill my home. She had brought gifts for Christmas and... and I was not prepared for the amount of thought and care that she had put into their choosing. I can't communicate it by listing what she got, it was just... she had really thought about them. And gone out of her way to find them. And, crucially, they were from her too. No, it really brought home the fact that Chosen Family is as real as Family and that... well, we were sisters.

-pation

Thus the last couple of days have been harder than usual. An empty house, lacking something. Busy and frustrating shifts. Long lonely hours between. It's been hard to arrange to see children. So I don't get to see them. Standard stuff from Tilly.

Capping it all off, there was an incident on my bus today. Someone fell. I suspect bad things will happen to me as a consequence, they usually do. I pay for good things one way or another. And the huge good of the weekend must be paid for somehow. A fortnight of failure (or so, maybe closer three weeks now) is drawing to a close - will it go for four weeks? Well, yeah, obviously. I tried to sort something out yesterday, spreading good to more than one person and... it went badly. It was an exhausting and frustrating process that irritated the target, upset me and yielded no apology for the bad behaviour I had been attempting to ameliorate. In short, a frustrating day that provided no pay-off but a burned bridge. I achieved nothing.

Sisters Are Doing It

Continuing the theme from my last update - I have remained entirely crazy. My week off was indeed kept free of most engagements and I did, indeed, indulge in some very silly and daft things that were very very fun. I then missed Chams because I, apparently, have lost the ability to do days of the week at some point (and also didn't realise it had been payday til the Saturday, which is unheard of) and attended another Event on the Sunday with further fun on the Monday. And, yes, the Event was a significant improvement over the last and may even rate up there with the first one I attended - but I shall get to all of that in a moment after a line break for TMI's sake.

I had a visit from the Smallest on the Tuesday morning - delayed and then cut short for undisclosed reasons - and it was mostly okay. I was feeling antsy and struggled to sit still. But he and I played a marble game (I say game, it's something I used to do alone in my bedroom because I had very little idea what to do with my marbles, sounds like a joke) where we make space ships and then use bigger marbles as shots to see if we can hit each other's marble space ships. He seems to have really taken to it and I don't have the heart to tell him that a. it's a not a real game and b. I came up with it because I was bored and lonely. It did lead me to reflect that, as a child, I was often encouraged to just be up in my room and 'play' with no further parental input. I do not see this as a bad thing, but I do mark that it is different from anything my children have experienced.

Middlest was over for the Wednesday, but only after 2pm. Again, a truncated visit. Seems odd that I saw both of them so little given I had the whole week off. Anyway, they came over and we had some fun by wandering up to IKEA and having a play in the rooms. I think I managed to have good conversation with them about self esteem and the importance of having balance to the point where we agreed they might bring stuff to make a timetable to help them not overdo fun things to the point where they became meaningless. Finished with IKEA tea, I bought a new dinky stool so I can stop using the wooden one in the bathroom - which I tend to use as a table to put stuff when in the bath or on the loo. 🤷‍♀️ Again, it was fun and I hope that they had as much fun as I did. Always hard to tell with my children and, of course, with me. However, inkeeping with trying to feel things more I think I enjoyed both encounters, even if I was antsy on the first and a bit over-enthusiastic in the second.

I did manage to get all my old books to the charity shop, took three goes lugging heavy bags up the hill and then trogging home - so only did a trip a day. Satisfying seeing them on sale and some people buying them - may have already mentioned that 🤔 But remains true.

Alas, Abbi was unable to meet but we did manage to a video chat on the Thursday that was great fun and much needed, even if it interrupted my remade plans and, honestly, chatting with friends will always top anything ersatz that I've cooked up in the meantime. I was able to share some of the madness that has been taking place in my life lately and get a real time persepctive on it. I hope I didn't end up dominating, I tend toward that when feeling happy and excited. 😬 It was why I was late going out to get some groceries and why I only realised it was Thursday at about 6pm as I wandered into the supermarket and thus that I wouldn't be making the Hallowe'en bash at Chams. A real shame because I wanted to air my Hallowe'en costume there. Still, I had other plans for that.

Friday and Saturday were exclusively silly times and then there was the Event.

This week is shaping up Hellish - my shifts are conspiring to give me no time and mess with my sleep pattern. I started with a late (which was nice, having an extra morning to recover) 1500-0100, then today it's 1230-2000, tomorrow has changed (as of yesterday) to 0530-1500 and I finish the week on a 0530 to 1500 with extra time as I shall be in costume and helping children trick or treat. I'm over the worst, I guess, but the sleep will likely kill me.

And that's where I am. Tired. Happy. Dancing most of the time. Yes, even when driving, though restricted to my head bopping to my internal playlist for safety reasons, obvs! 🤭😅

And, now, the line-break will follow for the TMI stuff.

It's here:

Goin' Back To Mah Roots

Going back to my family's geographical roots to visit my remaining grandparent was a Big Deal.

The market where I used to collect Sharpe 
novels has an indoor section with a micro- 
pub in it!!!

Firstly, because organising train travel and trying to guestimate connection times and visit times and work out bus lines and distances was taxing but also because of the attendant executive dysfunction that inevitably accompanies me when I do such things. Plus trying to organise maybe going to the Event (17 August, fact fans) and liaise with Tilly for child things and deal with my Dad getting strangely worried about my visit (he had me call him so he could impart to me, his 45 year old child, that I should ask questions and listen to the answers - I mean... come on)... Anyway, yes. I managed it. My ancestral seat is transformed from when I last walked around it some 25 years ago - because 25 years have passed obviously - and I upset some old Uni friends by posting a beer review and not having given them a shout I was in their area (in fairness, I had forgotten Kirsten's husband worked where I went BUT I also hadn't managed to work out that I would have the time I did). Met a trans-man on the platform who, it turned out, was not only the same age but went to my Uni and transitioned 14 years ago. Sadly, he took a different train to me (some hour and a half before mine - yes I did panic and turn up that early for my train home, thank you for asking).

But this part of the bus station is unchanged
from when I last caught a bus in 1990!

Oh, ailing grandparent is ailing and old. Like, nowhere near as bad as billed when I was guilt-tripped into making the trip by my Dad, but, yeah, less good than when I last visited before Christmas with my Mum. Oh, and didn't use any name for me at all - which is a marked improvement - and even complimented my hair. I'll take it. Oh, and I did listen and ask questions.

Speaking of panic-driven decisions, I went with Tilly and Youngest to do a treasure trail last week and was worrying about getting home to be in bed in time to get up for an 0310 start the following day. Thus, after an hour, I panicked and went home. To find I had at least two hours left. Doh. Led to a nightmare in which Youngest was in a room and I was trying to get him to turn the light off and not let him leave til he had. It turned out there were literal monsters out to get him and when I finally relented from being an awful parent he escaped but they killed Tilly and I woke up before they got to me.

We reconvened today, Tilly, Youngest and I, to complete the trail. Initially Middlest was supposed to come but did not. In trying to pick up where we left off we had two ADHD approaches (get angry and mis-name locations and landmarks, whilst arguing over which of the same but differently described route was best) and me: direct. Anyway, with Tilly and Youngest each getting angrier at one another, Tilly tells me that she knows I must be frustrated, and understands how anger inducing it must be for me to not be listened to, and suggests we do her approach as a compromise.

Oh, I got chance to wear this top without
melting!!! Nice.

For reference: I'd already butted out and was trying to laugh it off and point out they were both giving the same directions and that we'd do that. I was not even remotely frustrated. I laughed and said: "don't worry, it's fine, your routes are fine."

Tilly insisted I had no reason to get angry and she understood that I must be quite frustrtated not to be listened to. And then tried again when I simply smiled and assured her this was not the case. I said: "I think you may be projecting" and she got angry: "no need to snap at me!" Before collecting herself quickly, saying I wasn't snapping but that was no reason to say she was and then repeating that she knew I must be frustrated. I want to make clear that I had said literally nothing in this time.

At the end of our time, I said I'd run and get lunch before picking Middlest up, so Tilly got out her phone and told Middlest I'd be there in an hour - for a trip that would take about that without lunch - and reassured me Middlest would already have eaten. Quite why she had to instantly text Middlest and make it so lunch was next to impossible for me I don't know.

I did say "yes" to a big Book Pony.

Anyway, my point. All of this seemed rather reminiscent of arguments Tilly has invented in the past and how she has viewed what happened after the fact. I found it fascinating watching her project, intensify, blame me for her frustration, find a reason to make it my fault, say I snapped and then restrict my ability to do things in good time. There were multiple instances of this across the trail too - really interesting once I'd spotted it - where she and Youngest would start falling out only for Tilly to suggest to me, who had said and done nothing but wait, that I needn't get angry and thus deflect Youngest's anger onto me and project her own frustration onto me before explaining to Youngest that I was getting frustrated and angry. It seemed so blatant. And I want to be clear: I was not at any point angry, frustrated or upset. I even checked my reflection a few times and my face was as close to happy and smiley (it was a lovely day, I was doing a trail with Youngest - what's not to love?) as I get so... Fascinating.

Abbi came over, I made a space because it's my house and I can do what I want with duvets and pillows and soft toys and we sat and had a good natter. I revealed my hoarding money problem - like Abbi said: I need her to teach me how to say "yes" to myself a bit more. I have the savings I have because I deny myself a lot of things. Mind you, that said, I have the savings to cover things. I just need the executive function to actually get people in to do said things - like the bathroom and the plastering and the decorating. Anyway, apart from feeling like a boastful heel ("look at the money I have"), it was fun. Alas, she can't make the Event - so it'll be my first alone if I actually go.

An Elephant Never Forgets

Do I address the elephant in the room?

Hello Mx Pachyderm, it would appear you have somehow gained entry to my living room. May I ask, politely, of course how you got in and how you intend to leave?

New top (a vest top for outer wear, long 
an ambition and now almost doable?) and 
autumnal dungarees! 

Why, yes, you can tell that the bed is that of 
trans-woman, what tipped you off? 

(It was the shark, it's always the shark) 

Daftness aside, yeah, it's been a time. Marking mainly, but also odder shift times than last year (I think? At least as bad as last year anyway). I jacked in one contract, enjoyed the one I haven't done for the last two years, and the Team Leading one (I always do, to be fair, but that is the one that comes closest to ruining my Middlest's birthday every time so maybe that's the one I bow out gracelessly from) meaning that it got a bit... treadmill-like? I mean, don't get me wrong, I love money as much as the next late-capitalism wage-slave, and it shall pay reasonably well but... I say pay well, my Dad remains confused when we talk that my quoted full contract rate isn't my daily rate (and regularly behaves as if it is, because, I suppose, that's what he's used to) but it's not too bad.

I finally managed to contact a person to look at the guttering and pipes out back, same fellow that came and rescued (finally) my roof and plugged the leaks (the one by the chimney he solved with a minimum of fuss for about £80 and the one over the back of the house he sorted for £30), and he's quoted £90. Given what needs doing, that seems very reasonable, actually. Though, honestly, I rather suspect he'll find something else when doing the job, I've prepared more than £90 to cover it (and, again, very reasonable, I had ball-parked a couple of hundred).

Heatwave came and I melted on shift on Friday, having mercifully finished my marking by that point, but then I was into a recuperative weekend off. Bought some new clothes at Lucy & Yak (and managed to get Abbi there too, where she found a lovely pair of dungees in her size on sale and bought them!!!), then a trip to Bird and Blend to spend far too much on tea. We also managed to eat all the Chinese we could eat, much fun had there, and enjoy a tea in a park in the shade whilst the sun shone and we nattered about folklore, fiction, women's history and empowerment. It was a good day.

Different angle, better to see the top.

Also, as is the usual at this time of year, I have spent much time observing things, people and places and thus ruminating on my own situation and reactions. I see new relationships blossoming and it's lovely - people are very happy - and feel those pangs of jealousy within the waves of genuine joy for others. And it's multiple relationships here too, not just one set, and in both cases those concerned are well-suited. I know how they do it: they get out there, they meet people, they have hobbies and regular activities with like-minded people. I say I can't, but I don't know if that is true. I can't make regular groups that I would like, sure, but it's not like I'm actively looking for alternatives.

Middlest comes over and enjoys what we do, but there's so much that I, as a parent, have failed to make happen for them as was made happen for me at a similar age. Sure we watch things together (and their card for me was a masterstroke in unexpected humour that made me laugh far too long and loud for what it was) but I don't take them places like I used to and despite being honoured with their thoughts and let into their struggles, I don't do much to support. We ended up at the latest Jurassic thing on Saturday, with Youngest, and I managed to help Youngest with some of the unexpected scary moments (I saw a couple coming a fraction of a second in time to help cover his ears and offer a protective hug) whilst we melted. But I'm not there, and honestly never really have been, to put in the hard graft and time and effort. All of which is dialled to eleven with the Eldest.

I risked attempting eye-shadow recently too,
despite the fact that the skin around my eyes
is extra dry and flakey these days.

Not sure one can tell though. Still, a different
view of my bedroom showing my new marking
nook.

I also finally told Tilly about HRT (up to 3.2 pumps a day for fact fans - or thereabouts - I'm much too timid to regularly do 4) in that I said I was going to start it. She offered congratulations - which wasn't my anticipated reaction from her - but gave no indication that she knew I'd started already. Honestly, I had assumed she'd rejoin with "I thought you already had" but then, afterwards, I realised that she only did stuff like that back in the days when she paid attention. Sure, she often took the wind out of my sails, but I missed the fact that it proved she vaguely cared and noticed.

Did meet with my new friend for some beers as well, which went down rather well, I thought. Until we ended up back at theirs and they tried to share some videos with me. I did my usual and got over-excited and tried to show all of the things in my head at once, making connections as they showed me things and thus coming across as rude by talking over their things. As they pointed out - they listened to my stuff without interruption. My ASD kicked in enough to ensure I didn't get the full mortification until I was walking home. But evidence again that I am a bit... overbearing and rude, honestly. Another example of the sort of stuff that Tilly used to say about me being rather true. I think the friendship has survived my... usual baptism of fire, we shall see. Not the first time this aspect of who I am has caused me to despair but, as always, I shall moan about it and then go right ahead and keep doing it. Further reasons why I can't do as the people who have found new relationships do, I suppose.

Here's the top humour from Middlest.

The amount and volume of laughter
induced was unseemly!

On the HRT front, looks like there's enough difference for me to have had to dispense with the trusty birdseed in favour of those M&S foam forms. But that may be less HRT-induced development than it is extra fat desposits - as an attempt to wear that blue and yellow spotty dress from way back when showed I can no longer pull the zip even halfway (so nowhere near the boob area - implying simple middle-age spread as the culprit). I mean, I am somewhere around 14st as standard these days and back when I got the dress I was closer 11st so... yeah, that's more likely than significant boob development. It's not like I have anything else to aid that, like progesterone, nor am I likely to bite the bullet to try and make that happen. Let's not forget that it's taken me nearly four years to even get on to HRT unofficially - so long, in fact, that I only just beat the NHS to the punch by about five months. Which, given how unutterably bad the NHS is for trans healthcare these days, is saying something! It also illustrates neatly how long a run up things take me even when I'm reasonably sure I want them. The biggest changes in my life have always, thus, taken place mostly by accident or by jumping into that plunge pool without a plan when the opportunity presents itself. I do not recommend this as a general course of action.

Out drinking beer. This was the stout.
Chocolate coconut. Yes. It can come again.

You can actually see the issue I had with my
old dress here from the sillhouette!

Oh, yes, first time painting nails since some
time last year!!!

In conversation with my Dad a couple of times over the last however long it has been he reprimanded me for talking too much and too long, and for not really listening to the news of others. He's not wrong, by the way, but it had a corrollary effect, as I ruminated on it after the fact for a few days, of reminding me about he has previously said he thinks that I think I'm the Big I Am. It was a theme that often came up as a child too. Along with the perception that I was boastful. Now, you might say that this is down to my Dad, but it was a common enough thing that I was told (albeit with different terms) at school by teachers and peers alike that I must assume that there was something to it. And, in my rumination, I realised that it maybe has something to do with my inability to really deal with my birthday. I am, and always have been, desperate to avoid being seen as boastful or self-aggrandising. Whether or not I am, well, something to leave to the philosophers (spoiler: I rather think I am), certainly my efforts not to be so seem doomed to failure. I digress. One of my methods to try and avoid being boastful is to downplay stuff like my birthday, if asked directly to state that I do not wish to celebrate it or mark it in any way, and to deflect if people mention it in other ways. I had noticed that, last year, I almost managed to have a healthier relationship with it but, this year, I was back to my usual rut.

The only other news to relate is more of a TMI nature, so here's where normal readers will finish. Back to work tomorrow, hoping for slightly lower temperatures in the bus (it was somewhere above 40 degrees on Friday - the thermometer didn't go any higher - for five hours and I was melting so much that the 3+ litres of drink I'd taken with me wasn't enough to replenish what I was losing through sweat - sorry, maybe this ought to have been beyond the TMI line break as well...).

Here's the line break below, for those of you that clicked the post direct...

Keeps Out the Enemy

Breaking streaks is never a nice feeling. Nearly two years ruined by an attempted downsize in a heatwave that led to a poor sleep a few days back and I woke unable to move my left shoulder properly nor turn my head. Initially I couldn't move them at all. It's getting better, but waking this morning was accompanied by the same sickly feeling that came from way back when I first donned it and took a couple of weeks of on/off wear to clear. I have thus gone a full day now without either the new or the old and I worry I may have hit a barrier like with the Great Experiment. I hope not, but one can never tell.

A mighty host of Seraphon (Lizardmen), to which 
I have done nothing at all, the work of Middlest. 

Middlest and Youngest were over today for a game of Warhammer. Middlest was struggling: with the heat, with time of life, with existential questions - and so struggled to read and apply the rules. The heat also meant that Youngest was on a hair trigger and struggled to keep invested in the game beyond trying to annoy his sibling. It seemed to work mostly well, I am reasonably pleased that my attempt to make 40K Orks and Gretchin work in a fantasy setting (and create an Orc Mage from whole cloth rules wise) seems to have been balanced enough - even if it did mean that Middlest's gribbly monster basically tanked a fusillade of concentrated gunfire before going down without causing a single casualty (his unit of skinks wiped out the Orc archers before they got in range though).

I have managed one whole contract and done some extra, which is nice. I have mostly kept my head above water on the second, my usual favourite, and am now embroiled in a third that I have been finding harder. Part of that is the bad sleep I've been getting (average is about six hours rather than my usual seven or more) and the neck thing - it's hard to focus when muscle pain makes you feel a bit nauseous. I even had to resort to paracetamol and, well, that's not been my style. Still, not denying that having to resort to it felt strangely affirmational. I am strange, I know.

Youngest's Blood Orc Horde, led by the Death
Mage (for whom I had to make up rules from
scratch, and spells).

I continue to take on board extra hours I shouldn't. I continue to partake in bad habits that I do in marking. I continue to mull on how bad a parent I have been and continue to be. I continue to have strangely vivid dreams about the end of my relationship with Tilly - her being disappointed and saddened for good reasons and the residual emotional fall-out from that. Speaking of, she had confirmed via diagnosis some suspicions she'd had since I moved out. I apologised on her telling me last week for not having put two and two together myself. She accepted my apology, and then moved on. I guess I still hoped for some reciprocity, but I never spent any time setting that up so I can hardly really expect it now. Besides, why would she? What on earth would be the point?

House news: new plaster cracks suggest a drying out of some parts of the house I hadn't known were wet, drainpipes at the rear are detached from the house, leading to one pipe to fall apart so now my bath and sink don't quite drain into the drain and it looks like the toilet and shower pipe might fall down if I don't get that fixed soon. Good thing I'm doing these examination contracts I guess!

Improvements or Perceptions

I find it strange, but also uplifting, how some things go and get better, big and small. Take, for instance, the fortnight since I last posted as a good example of just how bizarre things can be, certainly in my life.

You can take the teacher out of the classroom... 

I mean, yeah, you can. I was. 

I pulled out of one marking contract because it was infuriating (a lack of helpful feedback) and somehow managed to get glowing reviews on the other one - the one I usually fail at and spiral out of control before getting chucked off. This is marking, by the way, which is what we in the UK do instead of 'grading' (that sort of thing is left to a big meeting of bigwigs drawing lines twixt marks by way of bell curves). I usually screw up the History GCSE paper but this year, apparently, I have nailed it consistently from the beginning. Today's meeting where I'm a TL has been a bit more fraught and, although I'm not proud, some creative obfustications meant it passed largely without incident. I'm even mostly on target with the first contract.

A week of middles and lates (finishing into the following day) at work followed by some very earlies, that is shifts that start before 0430, with extra hours on the Thursday gone (and some extra hours in the previous week too) means I have been burning the candle at both ends and the middle when it comes to driving and marking work. It also means I haven't really been active (see the lack of activity here) nor meeting friends. But, then, a new friend did ask to meet and suggested I cook for them (among other options) - which means they are coming over to my hovel to eat tomorrow. I won't lie: I am bricking it. It took me a fair while to dare invite Abbi over and that was before I had exposed brickwork in the living room and when the house was mostly dusted and hoovered. Speaking of vacuuming, my vacuum's filter is discoloured so that using it emits a smell not unlike human waste when in use. Lovely. Basically, I have to spray air freshener immediately after- I'm digressing. I need to buy a new filter, I know, but I also need to vacuum because visitor(!). Insert the enemy aware noise from Full Metal Gear.

I am also bricking it because... well, visitor. I have to entertain.

Saw my Youngest and Eldest in a dance show. Youngest seemed to be in everything and I was so impressed that he knew all the different routines (even if I could tell he liked the last one best because that's where he deployed his full pasty). Eldest got a solo to Run D.M.C. of all things and nailed it because of course she did, she has considerable talent. It is astonishing to me how obvious that has always been (but I am biased) but now she's getting to display it because she's of an age where things are done more on merit than clique. I mean, she's also in a troupe that prizes enthusiasm over social connection anyway, which I approve. Long trip out, long trip back, spending money I perhaps shouldn't have done. But, eh.

I have noticed some things that I am putting down to HRT over this last fortnight. One day I had my usual itchy foot due to overheating and not changing shoes and I scratched it, as normal, but I realised that my feet didn't make my fingers smell like something had died. Furthermore, my feet themselves didn't smell of death and rotting - my sweat no longer reeks like it used to. Now, okay, one time is one time. But since then I have checked a few times and, whilst I still sweat badly on my feet, it certainly appears I smell less. Good. Small, but something noticeable and nice. Plus, a couple of times, I have had tearing up moments listening to songs in EPIC (the musical in my last post). It's not crying yet, but maybe, maybe, that's the HRT doing its thing. I mean, I've not had a repeat of the oddity when journeying that I mentioned early on (so maybe an anomaly). Point being - it's only HRT until something shows it's not.

I did share an image with someone over discord (to prove a point about something we were chatting about) and they assumed I'd been on HRT longer than the five months I have been. Mind you, they had seen no 'before' images so... You know, I don't think I have a side-by-side comparison... And now I have. 11 June 2021 to now... 14 June 2025:

The framing of each shot is slightly different despite my best efforts, and there are more chins in the later image (on the right, obvs), and I'm also not wearing any make up today because I had a meeting for the day and haven't been outside (except to throw away some potatoes that had gone full eldritch WHERE'S THE SOIL on me in the cupboard). I dunno, is that helpful? I do seem to be taking less photos now than, say, that spate in 2021-3.

Also, downsized on neck adornments, initially brilliant, made neck hurt. Have temporarily reverted to initial purchase. Makes sense, going to take time to get used to the new regime. At £40 rather than £70 I did accelerate existing plans to do so as I had originally intended to make that move in August. Did clear me out of the last slush fund monies I had from the holiday though. No bad thing.

Wouldn't You Like to be Dangerous?

Been listening to a musical a lot - a musical made on TikTok, I am given to believe, that Middlest found on Spotify. I found a version that has full animations (or, rather, an animation for each song) and subtitles specially made (most helpful). I appear to be the last person on the planet to have found it (it's very good) but I shall share the video below that I have been using to watch and listen (it's EPIC - by the way, that's the name of the musical).

Week back at work has gone reasonably well. Worried about having bitten off more than I can chew with too many contracts to mark (a pretty usual worry). However, a different start than usual - I did some practice marking and was told I was good. Then I rushed through my next test scripts for the same lot - relying on gut instinct - in the hope that if I have my usual difficulty I'd have a 'get out' to drop the contract. Alas, an e-mail this morning says I'm passed to mark as there's no need for feedback as my marking is 'excellent'. I mean, lovely, but dammit!

Missed a Friday with my new friend, but a late meeting (8pm) meant that I didn't want to risk going out after that - especially as I had Middlest over today. Discussions there are... vague. Deliberately so on Middlest's part, whilst also trying to be open, making it hard to know how best to support. I have suggested that finding a group or a person with wider experience may be helpful to have other experiences on which to draw. I mean, I have experience, sure, but it's extraordinarily limited and I am not up on the modern terms (which is great! I love that there are new words to describe feelings and ideas that used to take entire paragraphs to convey in the past; I just don't know those that I'm not familiar with - if that makes sense - as I don't seek them out).

I mean, I would, but I am deep in my prehistory hole and so lately I'm learning terms like kerbed cairns and concentric stone circles and, my favourite: Irish Henge. None of which is relevant to my society idea for a story in the future - because that is set earlier than any monuments - but is still something that I find fascinating and I am enjoying. My point? My point is that my new vocab passion is currently dominated by this particular monotropism and so I am less than helpful to a child wanting insight on QUILTBAG+ stuff! It's great that Middlest is pleased to confide in me and discuss things with me but there's a limit to the help I can offer beyond a friendly ear.

Started wearing the bands I bought from LLI daily since doing so in the recent city break (and finding my pink and blue one - trans flag colours - under my bed on returning) and I like that. I am aware that I need to purchase a better fitting collar (it's too big). Also picked up the private prescription HRT and, amazingly, have the NHS to pick up at my pleasure. So, with one bottle remaining of the original grey market purchase remaining I shall have approximately 160 days of three pumps a day (the recommendation from both NHS and private people). Another laser appointment had on Thursday and it feels like more was zapped. Also feels like I have more hair than after the last appointment. I dunno, that could be normal, I can't recall.

And that's all I have to say about that, I guess.

Am I See Through?

It's been the second week off - my annual leave - and I have to say I have really enjoyed (and needed) this time off. It's not that work is particularly stressful these days (it's not) but rather that there's an awful lot of it and it's hard to find the time and space to make fun things (like regular groups for example).

We visited a cafe, recommended separately 
by Catherine's husband and Tim's wife. 

It made my Mum a bit uncomfortable. BUT 
I actually didn't feel that way. Which is huge. 

Not a couple of months ago I would have 
struggled to feel like this was for me. 

(Edited to remove any identifying info, I hope). 

A city break with my Mum was the exact right length that balanced the 'yay, time on holiday with my Mum' with 'could end up as an episode on one of those murder podcasts'. I say that with love. I managed to arrange (well, that's putting it a bit more effectively than what happened) to meet Catherine and family and that was lovely. Her fellow, whom I am also independently friends with, met with my Mum and I and conducted a tour of the city we were visiting - heavy on the geek sauce with plenty of local knowledge seasoning - for a pretty warm day all told. We then retired to the family homestead and had a hearty meal of local award-winning fish and chips. Regrettably I didn't initially understand the debate around Anne Lister that he referred to (I know of the old nineties' debate - that Lister couldn't be lesbian because the term didn't exist - but didn't know it had moved on to become 'we can't assume Lister was a lesbian, there may have been other things at play, so labels may be unhelpful full-stop' cos there was definite hints of gender stuff and a dollop of different social mores muddying the waters [especially around women and gender expectations]) but I didn't know Lister was married to a paramour. Well, wedded is putting it strongly, but married kinda isn't. So there was either a lesbian hitching or a more heterosexual pairing depending on which historian one reads - the debate really has moved on. Oh, it was the translation of Lister's encoded diaries that I learned about in Sixth Form that prompted me to keep my own coded diary with the express purpose of recording Accurate Things for Future Historians - and also allowed me to write things that I had been carefully writing around in previous diaries (being trans, we would now call it).

The poshest of all the tearooms we visited
and my loudest outfit.

I also got coerced by my Mum into buying a yellow handbag as my grey (it's blue) one didn't match my very loud outfit (the pink and yellow L&Y dungarees). That loud outfit did cause two sub-my-Mum age ladies (but very obviously Mums-Of-A-Certain-Age) to compliment me on my choice. In both cases there was a distinct air of them having seen me, looked away, clocked I was trans and thus compliment. I'm not knocking it, at all, but it wasn't quite the compliment my Mum thought it was for me. Still, very nice, very much a function of me being in a loud outfit! I did clock up a couple of cheeky halves, even shared a moment in a pub with my Mum, and plenty of genteel tea rooms (because, dear reader, I had prepared for this). In the evenings, apart from visiting Catherine's homestead, we played cribbage and Yahtzee (the second must be done as if declaring you are free, if you know the reference) and that was also great fun. I haven't (knowingly) played cribbage - at least since I was a young teen anyway (I genuinely don't remember) - and I do like a good card game.

A lovely day, my favourite local.

I was on the stout.

A day with Abbi was lovely too - surprising as we ended up going on an adventure, meaning I got to share my favourite local pub, and I discovered I haven't yet paid for my Lady Gel, just the paraphenalia surrounding it. Oh well. I did have an appointment with a GP helping out the people I'm with that... I dunno. I got spooked. They were trans (as is everyone I've interacted with at the place) but the ten minute 'chat' was already something no one seemed to have planned for. Then, of course, I missed the start because executive function puzzles and then the first question was if I was on any medication for my autism - which, as far as I know, has never been a thing. I am not proud to say that from that point on I became a little curt and defensive. Like, the GP asked a load of questions already answered by me in two appointments through the private provider already (and extensively) and also committed the sin of explaining that she'd like to know my height and weight for BMI and thus knowing cardio-vascular risk (a debunked connection, and already covered in an extensive doctor appointment a month ago). Like, no, sorry - I have done all this already and, well, I got upset and taciturn. Not my usual style. Complicated because the GP reckoned she recognised me and thus some questions that (I think in hindsight) were meant to be social and disarming I thought were just weirdly intrusive and specific. Eh, I had the prescription already and I was clearly feeling spikey. I'm not proud, the GP was lovely, but I was spooked and became a 'problem client'.

Another night out with a new friend - though ten halves was a. probably a low-ball estimate for what I ended up having and b. way too much for me. Whoops! I'm almost recovered now a couple of days later, but it was still a heavy night. Almost. Work beckons after the Bank Holiday. Forgive me encoding, but I sometimes feel as though I am Emperor Shaddam IV in conversation with the Navigator's Guild and, in this very Lynchian instance, I am minded of the Navigator's statement. I have no plans within plans. My commitment to the punning is, however, unmatched.