Temple Scenes

If they ask me to leave, I shall obviously accede. About the only good point about today was that I haven't been suspended. I speak of work, I keep it vague. The truth will always out. As it should.

It's on YouTube: I think the image speaks for itself. 

Could be me, right? Right?

In the meantime I have sprayed out applications like confetti. I have been assessed online by some bus company and they have said I have passed (I think I made at least two errors though) and want to invite me to be assessed at their assessment centre. I need to ring them back, but they phoned whilst I was at work. That coud work, I suppose, I don't know. Some buses start at 0430, the latest they finish is 2330 and, of course, I can't catch a bus there or home. So... I'd need a car I guess. But, if it pays well enough and has regular hours, I could maybe manage that.

There are other irons in the fire but no responses as of yet.

Not my roof, but you get the idea.

Roofer came to next door, they called round to me, which got me out of bed on Sunday (I think I might be a bit depressed again). Good news is that they can fix what's afflicting my roof and shall do so. Whole thing will cost £245, rather than the £500 I put aside some time in February for this. That's good news, I think.

I then went to visit Abbi and Alex. I am glad that I did. I had a lovely time - because they are lovely people - and it reminded me that I have been able to make new friends. And it was also nice because of the ideas being bounced around, the things that I learn about (Bo Burnham in case you were wondering as a case in point) and just... I have said it before and I shall say it again: I haven't had friends I can just pop over to see since sometime in 2007 and it is really nice to have that ability again.

I have, lately, been struggling to get out of bed again. 

10 hour sleeps are not uncommon at the moment. I
don't think this is a good thing...

On Friday I went to see Citizens Advice, they were lovely. They think I have been a bit too nice regarding mortgage and maintenance, gave me a number or two to pursue. Also suggested that I try for a PIP - they reckon I'm more than eligible. So, I guess, bow to their greater experience. Numbers and PIP: tomorrow's jobs. On the evening I went to see the lights switch on with Middlest, it was fun, he enjoyed it. He stayed over, I took him to his play, then home for tea. Then took him back to Tilly's and saw the Eldest's play. At the end of it, she came out and saw me before immediately turning and walking away again with a friend, an anxious look on her face. Oh. Yeah. That.

Also, I did that thing. I warned Lynn what I would do. I did it. Sorry Lynn, you did not deserve me responding as I did. I judge myself harshly because I deserve to be judged harshly and people are too nice to do that to me. Bo Burnham again: put your heads down; praying for me.

I wish I knew what Him Upstairs saw in me: what it is that God thinks I can do on this earth. Every failure, every result of arrogance, avarice and assumption... it burns. It weighs me down. You'd think I'd be better at not doing it so much by now.

Much of what has lived in my head I have never written down. All my old stories, all my old ideas, I avoided writing down what motivated me and pulsed in my imagination. I came close in Reality/Shifts on this blog - the closest I ever came to writing it all out - but the Temple Scenes in my imagination when I was young went unwritten and unregarded. I dared not write them down, as that would give them a shroud of reality, an air of permanence. I have always been an historian, I know that historians and others cannot analyse that which is not recorded. But they were always there: the desire to be the woman who was tied down; the knowledge that transvestism (it was Latin, of course I latched onto that term) wasn't what made me excited (it just felt normal in my brain, even though I never dared do it). The stories and work at school - always female main characters and female first comparisons. I am grateful, now, that I can acknowledge all of that - even if obliquely - and have people with whom to discuss that sort of thing.

But at the same time, that judgement I made of myself - that guilt that gnawed - that I tried to justify and did so by creating the habits I am now bound and trapped by. Habits that have nothing to do with sex or sexuality, but are more prosaic and filthy and dipped in lies. Those habits? I am doomed by them anew.

And so, I pray the teaspoon prayer: Thank You, God, for providing people who care about me, who are my friends, who inspire me and who are just wonderful people. The people that read this blog. The people that comment on this blog. Abbi and Alex. Izzy and Lynn. Chams. My parents. Gary and Shiona. Tim and Lisa. Lily and their Imperator. Thank You for a place to live, food to eat, clothes to wear and the ability to go into the world, finally, as myself - that still ranks as one of the greatest gifts I have ever been given. Thank You for all the silly little things I enjoy and that I live in a time and place that I can do so and enjoy them - however fleetingly.

Sorry God, for all the things I do wrong. That I know I do wrong and the wrongs that I do not know. The known times I deliberately chose dishonesty and lies. The times I did that without knowing. I can't be specific. For responding to love and concern with an increasing whipping of myself. For trying to use people's concern as a weapon. For not responding with love when faced with love. For not recognising the people who care for me and deeply wish to help. For my arrogance. For my dishonesty. For my lies. For not using the gifts I have been given - for being the servant that buried the single talent lest they lose it out of fear, and who was punished in line with what they feared.

Please, if I cannot improve, if I cannot learn (and recent events suggest that I cannot), then let the end of the story be close at hand. Let it finish while people still care and regard me fondly. Or else please stop me from ruining that and spitting in the eye of those that seek to help. Help me recognise good intentions and respond to them accordingly. So that I can support those who attempt to support me by accepting their good wishes and advice. If I am worth more than the pay out of a life insurance, if I have yet work to do that will help my children, let me focus on it - force me to do so. I would sooner surrender free will than see it used by me to lessen the lives of my children, my family, my friends, Tilly, people I know at work and people I know through this blog.

Amen.

Storms on Mars

The jokes make themselves at this point. 

Apparently I can no longer comment on my blog, something has spooked Google on my 'computer network'. So who knows.

Don't know what the roofers did, but my leak is worse than it's ever been today. Literally almost raining in, I had to bail out. Leak through the kitchen door as well, that's new to me. Wood behind it is rotten though, so it's been going a while - probably years. Great. Damp patches on my wall? Bigger.

Worries about work. Have applied to new places. Do not believe I shall get another position. Seriously scared. Found a mistake last night when I got home that dates to Sunday or Monday. It is very serious. No idea what to do about it. Can't be honest; well, I can, but then that removes all doubt: I'm out on my ear.

I've spent so long with the nagging feeling that something isn't right, that I have a reason to feel guilty, that I have made habit the sorts of things that justify the feeling - and I manipulate how I reveal that to make people sympathise with me. Don't. I am an unreliable narrator. I lie, I cheat and I steal. All sin reeks equally in Heaven. No comparisons, no 'buts' - just my own wrestle with myself. Not beating myself up, but struggling to see the road, the step I'm on, let alone where I'm going. Who of you, by worrying, can add but a single hour to your life? Sure as anything I can lose those hours though. I've passed the bend in the path that looked like a dead end and now... I can't see the path - either in front or around me, only how I got here.

And I feel as though the road is running out. Here be dragons. Mum reckons I need a counsellor. I can't afford one and the NHS ain't providing one free any time soon. I was damn' lucky in 2011 to get one in six months. Equally, no idea what counselling would do to be honest. I've lost almost everything I held dear already, gained myself. And I am tired. So very very tired.

That's that, he's out! Not a bad innings. [...] and that is that and is forever.

Poor Reigning (one makes one's own luck)

Attempting to keep my lazier left eye open 
resulted in this rather crazed looking selfie 
late last night whilst talking online about 
cartoon soundtracks. Also I was reminded of 
Zia from Mysterious Cities of Gold and it turned 
out to be a core memory. Because of course it did. 

The collar arrived, which was nice, but the lock won't actually, y'know, lock. Also, next door had some roofers in to finally fix the problems, I'd agreed to pay half, but they finished work and now my leak is back to how it was this time last year - before any work was done. I even tried to get in contact with Five and heard nothing back. At work, though my contributions are recognised, my boss warned that if she goes down (a distinct possibility from what I'm gathering) she'll make sure she takes us all with her - a threat backed up by her immediate boss. So that's nice.

Tilly dropped a bombshell as well. According to legal advice she has sought, if she pays anything toward the mortgage over what I owe her for child maintenance then I am ultimately liable to pay her back from my equity - which could very well mean that when we eventually sell I owe her money. Also, repairs, the legal wording means that I can only stop them being done; if they are done, then I must pay off my half - it cannot be held over nor paid in instalments unless Tilly agrees. She's told me she won't agree. So I guess I be the bad guy and don't agree to pay for repairs then. I said that all sounded rather unfair, she told me that she would have got better terms if we'd gone to court - so suck it up. I said I had been trying to be nice, Tilly said I was raising my voice to her and that wasn't nice at all. My Mum offered to help but thought my mortgage was on a total of £20k (which is substantial) and not the £85k it actually is. So she can't help.

She may have been my favourite (the wrist guards played a
bit of a role there), but Mendoza was always my second. 
Apparently he was a very grey character - no black and white.

My top infants class teacher: "With [Joanna] there is only
black and white: there is no grey."

Make of that what you will.

Yesterday evening, Tilly was again in contact to let me know the the Eldest doesn't want to attend the light switching on ceremony if it means I am going to be there. This does not bode well for Christmas, but I have arranged that my parents send the children's presents to the matrimonial home directly.

Cliche alert: last night I slept with a cuddly bunny left behind in the house. I cuddled it and it felt nice. I may have to acquire myself a soft toy.

Luckily, I was able to hang out over at Abbi's twice, which has kept me mostly on an even keel throughout all of this. Won't lie though, I am struggling a bit.

Losing my cards has rather thrown out timings (along with having Smallest over today, who told me that he wants to come over alone when he is older and got upset when I said that Mummy would decide when he was old enough) so I have not managed to get my weekly shop done yet, another thing hanging over me as I prepare for my shift today - with uncertainty over whether we'll have enough people on shift. Joy.

Glory Glory What a Terr-

To record the joy and the slight fear (well, read "bricking it") of the last few days!

A blast from the past this: a selfie whilst walking 
that route home. You know the one, I took many 
photos this time last year. 

This one was from Tuesday evening. 

Okay then, Middlest enjoyed his time over with me watching videos and painting lizardmen (sorry, Seraphon) and was almost sad to leave - though exicted about his day ahead. I'll take that victory. Monday evening shift was longer than originally planned - I was in from 1pm - and I nearly missed it because I was round at Abbi's and getting excited about things (I can't quite remember the specifics right now, for reasons I shall come back to in a moment) - which was great! It brought home how much I miss the ability to get animated in company since I'm no longer in a classroom, but also how much I am blessed (genuinely) in having Abbi and Alex as friends - I am priviledged to have been let in to their lives, to their tribe, and it has sparked my idea sleets once more. Long ago I wrote about a prehistoric setting and society and now find myself wondering how a relationship such as theirs, with all the advantages it brings, would work in such a setting as I created (as well as realising how much of that setting stemmed from my own mental space at the time of writing it).

Work: busy, hard. I am getting sloppy, like, ASD-sloppy. So I miss things and can't take the information in. Non-regular hours, constant change, it's harder than I thought. I can do the routine stuff (ha) most of the time, but I'm starting to make sloppy errors and struggling generally. Not awfully, not badly, but I am spotting what is happening and aware of why. I worked 1pm-10pm then was in the following morning at 4.25am for a stock take. Oh, and I was visited by a Dark Knight team, which was a tad stressful and took about 45 minutes out of my time which was sorely needed, to be honest, and... yeah, hard to relax after that (even if I felt it went well enough, my boss semi-disagrees - may favourite part was the quibble about me having access to a program that I told the team I didn't have, because my boss may have arranged it a month ago but didn't tell me until that Tuesday morning. It went like this: "Oh, yeah, you do have access to that, I set it up a month ago but haven't got round to telling you. I wish you'd told them that last night." I mean, okay, but how?).

Here's another blast from the past: a selfie 
on my sofa of an evening.

No use of FaceApp filters here, though, just
me. I am, in fact supremely comfortable with
this photo.

But then Tuesday began. I had a bath, prepared to do battle with HMRC's hold system and settled down. Took the automated message fifteen minutes to tell me all the things I didn't need to phone about and then it rang once and was immediately answered by a fellow who told me the mix-up was down to my workplace not supplying information (but then told me they had) or my workplace using the wrong tax code (before then admitting that, no, that had been applied by them) but the wrong tax code, from HMRC, had triggered the immediate response and tax arrears. He said it was sorted now. And that was that. Oh. Okay then. So I went round to Abbi's about three hours earlier than planned. Got to watch some of Friendship is Witchcraft (yay!) but almost nodded off around 1pm - then had a second wind and had a lovely time all round. One of the reasons I forgot what I got so excited about on Monday!

Evening was round Tilly's to chat with my Eldest. She didn't say much, wanted me to say what I remembered, which I did, and then went to her room. The end. Okay. I'm not holding out much hope, if I'm honest. Tilly is reluctant to push too much or prod too much, it's a thing our Eldest has to work through and she's there just to keep an eye on it. Well, okay then.

Walking several miles in my 3" heel boots was fun, but not the best mode of transportation. My boots are waterproof (why I wore them) but yeah.

Today I had a shower, got ready, and then went to see Five - paying for the bus to get there (I should have walked) - and then... we went to a furnishings store and Five got all excited about decorating idea and lamps and things and asked my input - which got surprisingly easy for me to do. I have Opinions about this sort of thing and having someone genuinely ask my opinion was, honestly, quite lovely. Plus their enthusiasm is infectious so it was a lovely trip, if a little odd. Got to meet their son properly, and he apparently seemed quite taken with me (though asked why I had so much hair on my arms and why my voice wasn't as girly as I looked, he's five). Five ordered take away, which we ate with their ex-husband and son, then we watched creepy videos on YouTube. It was nice. But I was very nervous going (obviously). OH! Yes, Five presented me with a necklace they'd made for me (it is gorgrous!) and some earrings. I have never really thought much about getting my ears pierced, but I might have to because these are just... I mean... Yeah, suffice to say I may have to get my ears pierced in order to wear them.

I am actually reasonably proud of my eye-liner
work here, and the eye-shadow (grey on the
lids, pink to the eyebrows). Now the necklace
(also in the last shot) makes a bit more sense,
right?

I am actually thinking I may pay for my ears
being pierced. Like, that was never a consideration
before today.

Five, ex-husband and son brought me home for 8pm. And that's the other reason I can't recall what I was getting excited about on Monday, because my nervousness for today was bulging and then sort of hung around. I mean, I wore my collar and everything. Not the new one, still not delivered, but one of my old ones (and Five did smile a predatory smile on seeing it, complimenting me on my outfit whilst looking only at the collar when opening the door to their house). I also appear to have left my umbrella there. Whoops.

I have literally no idea what is happening with Five. Not complaining, just pointing out my utter lack of experience. It's why being friends with Abbi has been such a big thing - I have never not known what is going on there and I love it and it's such a nice thing (the friendship) and we bounce ideas all over the place. Five? I mean, predatory smile, then home furnishings, then chat about photographs and frames, take-out in a family setting ("Do you want to sleep over?" asked the son, "Not yet," says Five, "We haven't decorated the spare room yet."), then creepy YouTube videos. I... confess, it was all lovely and I enjoyed it, but I have no experience upon which to draw here.

Odd week ahead. 9am start at work tomorrow, until 10pm. Friday is 6am to 6pm. Saturday 2pm to 10pm. Sunday 6am to 3pm. Monday 2pm to 10pm. Usual days off are Tuesdays and Saturdays. Oh, I did have a gin last night, may explain some of the emotion of today. Maybe.

Taxing Times

Another night I feel alright my love for you can't wait 

Can't stop now, don't you know? I ain't never gonna 
let you go: don't go!

A quick one tonight, I feel. Lots going on, as usual - need to get in touch with HMRC and sort out why they've lowered my allowances and put me on an emergency tax code, as well as saying I owe over £400 in back taxes (which is lilkely, apparently, to increase for some reason). Can't do that online, so I shall be trying to find time to ring and wait on hold. It's slightly upsetting but does explain why I worked more hours at higher pay this last pay round but ended up with less in my pocket at the end of it all. It never rains but it pours, eh?

Meeting went well, I remain employed. That stress is slightly receded then. And I even managed to take myself to my cafe local favourite friendly Vegan gaming to sit and be vaguely lonely whilst Middlest did his Nintendo stuff. I spent money that I may need for tax back paying on a gift for Five, arranged to go to their house on Wednesday at some point, and felt reasonably proud of myself for that. Also paid for two crappy meals from Tesco, which came with discount to be sure but was money I hadn't planned to spend, and the bus trip. You get the idea. A late finish, Middlest was having a lot of fun, meant I was letr to bed than planned before an early start and long shift. I am a bit tired now. Friday also took it out of me a bit, if I'm honest. And tomorrow is another long shift with a late finish - plenty to do in the day beforehand too, I start at 1300 but have shopping, tax office phoning and a visit to fit in! So, a reasonably early start (Middlest must also be on the first bus home after 0930).

Inscrutable. Reflected sunlight reflected so that colour is drained
from the world out of time and space and synchronicity.

Evidence of a moon not yet seen.

Tuesday is an earlier start still, I have to be in to do a thing at 0420 until 0600. I get paid normal rate, but jeepers that's going to hurt after a 2200 finish the night before. I was aiming to have a luxurious bath on Tuesday evening but Eldest has assented to meet and discuss what is wigging her out about me so I shall be hauling my sorry butt to try and repair that relationship around 1900 - to late probablhy. Still need to find time to get rid of the leg hair and the underarm hair and the hair on the chest and just, you know, hair. Ugh. On that note, at work, a customer pointed out that I would be unable to multi-task (in humour) as "you're a man so it never works". I laughed, but pointed out there were few men called Joanna. She stopped and stared a moment then apologised - I tried to put her at ease, she was clearly trying to be nice and friendly. Anyway, an hour later she came back with flowers and a fuller apology - which made me feel like a total heel, I hate making people feel bad!

Different angle. Can one even tell?

Inscrutable. Black and white. Below the
surface so it cabnnot be seen.

Have worn the dangly thing a couple of days running now under my pullover. Because. House is damp in all the normal places, but no heating yet, so it is worse than this time last year and looks like it is spreading. Maybe it is. How would I know? That money I had for the roof repair? I hope the repair comes soon, it may not be there much longer. Taxes. Gah, I know how to bring myself down!

Speaking of, work is getting geared up for Children in Need - pretty big deal - and people are working on donations for tombolas and raffles as well as donating time and money. I am not. I have nothing of value to offer raffles and tombolas. I have no time, I'm holding the fort at the shop, and I definitely lack the money. Or do I?

Lots going on. Lots under the surface, so to speak.

And that's wur lot f'now. I shall retreat to using a line break again because, you know, TMI. Still no photos of my curtseying and, well, I'm wearing trousers at the moment so it wouldn't work so well.

Dim Light Breaks

Never dark for long.

Yeah, yeah, a bit of a cliche and especially a trans-femme 
one from what I understand. So sue me. It's nearly 16" around
so it should be below most collars on t-shirts and the like. 

Basically, the sort of thing that this blog havers on about pretty 
regularly, but obliquely and without focus. Like the Mona Lisa 
through greasy glasses - as my writing style was once described. 

Never did work out if that were a compliment or a critique. 

Lots to talk about. I received one of the most thoughtful gifts I have ever been given (ranking up there with surprise nail polish and The Flowers) not long after posting about going dark from Abbi - for which I remain truly grateful. It was a friendship bracelet style choker and, though I want to wear it as tight as it will go, it works better when a little loose. It was surprisingly, or not, comforting that night and since.

The original purpose of the post where this latest bout of shock and horror kicked off was to talk turkey about collars, believe it or not. An experiment in being me. Well, I gathered some spare monies from the previous couple of months in a bank account, in case of emergency, break wind, style. And, well, if I lose my job a couple of quid here and there makes no difference. So I did some due diligence and pulled the trigger on something I have been mulling for at least seven years - just now it has a physical form and I shopped around to find the best price for the design I was after. We'll see whether or not I have done the right thing there or not soon, I suppose, when it is delivered.

The answer is yes.

Lost my main bank card on Thursday - didn't notice until the following day - and thought nothing of it beyond berating myself for being so dense as to lose it. When I finally phoned the bank on Friday to cancel it they informed me that it had been used to buy over £40 worth of goods in the meantime. Of course. Luckily, they have refunded me, but still. On Tuesday evening, after a day doing nothing (well, I was reading old writing projects to get in the mood for writing that night) I went out to get some garnish for my planned burger meal. This included a beer as it happens. Anyway, I lost my credit card as I left the supermarket - probably being dense again and it fell out of my handbag (taken to prevent exactly this) - and only realised when my bank got in touch to check whether an attempted payment to EA Online for £143 was me. It was, of course, not. My bank, a different one to the first card, have been rather less forward about refunds so I may have to phone them again. Poop.

People were very nice when I announced this on the Book of Faces. But it is mainly my own ineptitude. With my version of ASD I am hyper-competent until, well, I'm not. It is frustrating and confusing to others because I do it on simple stuff I've done thousands of times before and have no good excuse. Because there is no good excuse. Like what happened at work. That will wrap up, for good or ill, this Friday.

Onward.

This one.

My Dad came to visit yesterday and... it was fine. He was trying really hard (still referred to me as "he" in public which was... a thing, got a few stares which he didn't notice but I did, hard to not wince). It was good to see him again, it's been a while, but he looks good and is definitely better after [redacted]. I do that out of habit, he has spoken to my Mum and they now both know she knows as well so who, exactly, I am doing that for is unclear. Anyway, yes, it was nice to have a chat and, well, I wore one of my accoutrements whilst he was here under the high roll-neck sweater. It felt nice. Comforting. Bit annoyed by the dangly bit (however nice it is) so I shan't be wearing that more full-time so to speak. I realise there are connections here I'm not making, hold on...

I'd arranged to pop round to give Five some housewarming gifts (scented candle and something with rose quartz or amethyst, not got the second part yet) on Sunday. But the twin realisations about bank cards and the fact that I have a Middlest stopping overnight meant I had to cancel there. Along with doing so to a good friend who gave me a lift to my last Chams for Friday morning, see earlier point, and I rearranged to go round on the Wednesday. I told this to Gary who then gave me one of the most enjoyable teasings I can recall having. Honestly, it was nice to be teased about it like that, reminded me that we are still friends and... well, I felt surprisingly comfortable. A bit like when we went to BOYL - when I was teased but as a woman. Was it always that simple? Is that what I have been chasing all this time? Is that all it was? Was that what it was? Was that what it was? Sorry, Pet Shop Boys reference, it's a B-side, I am nothing if not incomprehensible. Anyway, yes, that whole exchange ended up with me spontaneously using an honorific, which Five said was fine and even seemed to enjoy. Obviously I am now obsessing a bit about that. It means nothing, of course, I am planting a new friendship and nothing more. I've been to the pub with them once and will thus visit their house once.

Spoke to another good friend online too, well a couple actually, Izzy was very helpful about some of my murblings and offered good, sane and logical breaks to my otherwise frenzied flights of fancy from frustration and fear. The other friend? They offered (in return to my awe at how they've dealt with some pretty awful shit recently) that they were in awe of me being able to cope with losing my identity as a teacher, looking for work in the current climate and dealing with the stress in the cost of living crisis as all my plans are nuked from orbit. Except... I haven't coped, I've ignored it. Made me get a bit of The Fear, did that, luckily dispelled by my dad's visit and then work yesterday. I haven't analysed it, I shan't.

Mesolithic society.

Been reading some of my old writing too, I am minded to listen to Caston's whispers once more but there is an insistent tug from the Prehistoric tale too. Gary shared how much he'd read of Reality/Shifts and Abbi said she was disappointed that it stopped where it did and was never again picked up. Maybe I should start trying again. I had done a couple of thousand words to get myself back into writing - experiments in using pronouns in the third person (sparingly in one case, so not at all; and in the other case a deliberate mixing to try and describe things in a new way). Alas, I had a coffee after midday yesterday and then couldn't fall asleep until gone 1am so was unable to write then and certainly been unable today. Work again soon, another late night - then Youngest with Tilly tomorrow morning, the end of the current affair, another late shift. Day with Middlest on Saturday, looking forward to that, early shift Sunday, afternoon and evening with Middlest (yay) and then a late on Monday. Five on Wednesday. Got a free day Tuesday, we shall see how I spend that. Probably not well. Wednesday is in return for doing a colleague a favour on the following Saturday (so late then early Sunday again) - assuming I am still employed, of course.

In the meantime, I wear my friendship choker(?) and eat lunch.

Going Dark

So, the similarities continue to pile up. I cannot go into more detail this time - this blog is rather more public than it used to be. Suffice to say I shall go dark for a while. Please do not worry about me.

Shame

I had assumed that I was ready, at long last, but I was wrong. Apparently I am not. I'd gone with Abbi on a mission, and the day was lovely and excellent and lovely in spite of that mission and it's failure. Since then I have been online to try and scratch that damn' itch and find what it was that I was looking for - but to no avail.

Work has been joined, and things have... happened. Examining paid me one last time, which was lovely too, and plugs a bit of a hole but only in the short term. Friends are struggling with real issues - where they may be trapped in a house of less value than they had supposed - and that sucks and causes them anxiety, as one would expect. Five has moved house and been in touch - ...

Interruption, I've fucked up at work. Again. This time might be impossible to bounce back from. If I am sacked tomorrow, I shan't be surprised. Annoyed and upset: sure, but not surprised.

And that's the entry. Smallest over tomorrow, of course, whenever I am most stressed and worried is when I see my children. Fuck.

I'm never far from a spiral - physically or temporally - and I'm back there agin. I think I might be broken. No, I know I'm broken. I very well might be beyond fixing though. Missed my chance to meet that truck and get an in-service payout. The law of diminishing returns. At some point taking matters into my own hands will become just as financially viable as the alternative. Just a matter of time.