Filthy Hope II

This human heart depends upon a dozen lies to keep keeping on, don't let the truth come along and interfere where it don't belong.

Events have come thick and fast. Big stuff, on a loop, on a bruising timeline and in a pace I hadn't really thought possible. And I have found it increasingly hard. Good intentions pave roads to Hell, this I know, but having some of those good intentions thrown back in my face has been somewhat gruelling. I don't think it's been on purpose so much as unthinking but, then, unthinking implies a certain amount about things does it not?

And so an old, familiar, refrain resurfaces: what is it about me that makes me unloveable?

There had been a day of positives you know, genuinely, after some worry that things would continue without me. But, as I tried to reflect on that, well, the situation in front of me turned sour and, suddenly, all that positive, all that good, seemed utterly irrelevant. Instead, I was forced to analyse language and realised that my words had not been reciprocated for some time (since the last time I posted here, fact fans) and I reflected and thought: wait. I have been here before, of course, very little stays new for long. Honestly, I've had a reasonably good run.

Don't embrace the lies you tell yourself.

Excelsior

My weekend did not go as planned. I had been very much looking forward to it. Despite all my murbling and worries, I had thought: the weekend will be a lovely way to end my time off and fill me up before doing battle with my own very particular set of demons as well as being able to support my friends whom I love. I kind of bet the kitchen sink on it.

Oh, hey, here's a thing from my youth. 
😳😳😳🫣 

However, first of all, Abbi couldn't make a coffee shop meet up, and the heatwave got mad. And, when I managed to accidentally on purpose meet up with Abbi I ended up wandering about with her for two hours in the heat of the day without an adequate plan for hydration. I had intended to go get some shopping, see her for ten minutes, get home and have some lunch with plenty to drink and then spend the afternoon replacing my lady shaver that had chosen that morning to stop working. This was Thursday. Instead, I went out, met up with Abbi, and then spent two more hours out with no more than a coffee. This meant I did not venture forth in the afternoon, got distracted and only realised come morning that I was dehydrated and probably suffering heat stroke. Because I am so clever and good at working out my moods and feelings and health. 🙄😒

Anyway, I went and collected both siblings at the station the following day, having failed to buy a new shaver again (none in stock in the supermarket) and realising with dawning horror that I might not have got enough food in after all. Luckily, for me, I got to spend some time with just Sis and I at the station when she arrived and ensure she had a lunch, I correctly identified that she had not packed nor eaten one in advance, and then we headed back to mine. Bro departed to wrap a present and Sis and I caught up on some much needed chat to set the tone. A strange interlude was weathered vaguely and I don't think threw anyone but me off balance. Then it was films and me cooking a Little meal for the sibs that went down well, even if it did rather make me something of a third wheel, a theme that would become something of a constant. A second film was indulged then it was time for a storytime. This went pretty well, actually, but I hadn't actually sorted out a timetable nor properly prepared because of the previously mentioned issues and the whole heatstroke thing so I ended up being surprised by a move to a back up bed for the night. Feeling a bit third wheelish already this just confirmed my bad feelings and made for a bit of a sad end to the day.

I never questioned why the dog got a
spanking as well.

Morning came, I did my usual making of breakfasts and lunches and managed to get myself sorted relatively easily, even if getting clothes was a bit of a dicey game. I was once again third wheeled in short order, which... fine. I guess I put myself in that role. But autistic frustration is a dangerous beastie and I've not had to deal with her in a while so I was a bit out of practice. I didn't see how danger close I was getting and when an incident occurred I found myself losing it and then retired to try and deal on my own. Except that when I shut the room door, as I had the windows flung open, it ended up slamming and thus terrifying Sis. Bro was who I blew up at. So, he was sobbing, she was hiding in the bathroom and I had to try and fix all that and get us all out the door and to the venue. I am so good at being a host. That's sarcasm.

Once there I was in the mood to drop them off and bugger off to the local city and lose myself there. I was vaguely convinced to hang around but then the fall out from that fall out on The Tuesday reared its head and I was all for bolting. Sis followed me out and I had to shoo her back inside the venue to join some activities and, honestly, without that I would have gone. Anyway, I did go back, resolved to leave, and ended up causing a panic attack in Sis, who was already struggling with me leaving her and Bro, and so I ended up staying and calming her. It meant I stayed and I did manage to stop the panic attack I also caused. I was doing so very well this Saturday. I stayed mostly disengaged in the activities and it culminated in the perfect recreation of every school disco I've ever attended in that I was shunned and did my own thing in a corner. 😔

These all come from the same comic
book, by the way. 1987! 😱

The evening was food, film, third wheeling again, and then some normal routine for Sis and I briefly before retiring to my back up bed for some less than good sleep. Sibs shattered by a fun day, me attacked by head demons and heat, and that was the end of the day.

At least on the Sunday morning I was in less of a volatile mood. I skipped breakfast and a shower and stuff and focussed on prepping Bro and Sis to leave in time. Did not do terribly well, defaulting to a third back up plan and arriving near bang on the last time I had prepared to arrive at. Did manage to mess up a relatively simple coffee order though, which was probably a good indicator that I wasn't doing very well. Anyway, I had assumed attending the event for a second day would go better as there were more people there and it would be harder for the shunning pain of the previous day to hurt me. I was wrong. It hurt more. And, again, I was third wheeled. Several points had me off to one side while Bro and Sis had fun or napped together and... well, I mean, that's fair. I hadn't really considered how possessive and jealous I might get, and, well, I've had plenty of time with just Sis and I lately so it's only right she and Bro get some quality time together. Home for the now traditional Chinese take out and then they were having silliness and eating sweets most of the night, playing up to me having to be the grown up. Again, I should have seen that coming but it's not the role I enjoy at all. I don't mind being the Big Sis, but being frozen out of the Little dynamic and cast as 'villain', even in jest, is something I really struggle with. It's happened so often in my life for real...

Have an older photo.

I did not sleep well that night. Despite finally getting a chance to spend some time with Sis. It was also obvious that I had shattered the trust built up painstakingly with Bro with my explosion the day before and, well, I don't blame him. Let's not forget how effectively I have blown things up with Tilly and my children in the past. Why should he or Sis cut me more slack than my own sodding family? The following morning was another breakfast skipped and a shower forewent. Sis did not hug goodbye as normal. 😔 Bro started talking new bikes and amount of money he, it turned out, did have on hand - which was not inconsiderable - but ear-marked for buying books and that grated on my very autistic budgeting self. Like, sure, you can pay for posh books, but you can't pay for meals? Priorities I guess. 🤷‍♀️

Then I was yelled at by a white van man, I didn't catch all of it, just the repeated "faggot" (bigots are so unimaginative, I seem to get that a lot) and the threat to run me down if he saw me again accompanied by a revving of his engine (I was behind a barrier on the pavement by this point, so, idle threat, but delivered with some venom). I had a very shaky walk home from the supermarket, where I had gone, and then failed to do much. I slept reasonably well last night but today has been another attack of head demons and feeling very lonely. I have left the Event discord server after a brief chat with a friend who is a mod there confirmed that, yes, I was shunned by people and that it was an understandable reaction given the situation. No. I don't want that to be a thing people feel they have to do. The Event is a place of kindness and friendship and openness and trust. If I'm making that impossible for people I do not belong at that event. I've also been off the Server I've called home all the weekend too after winding someone up there too. It's been an excelsior weekend for me. Full marks.

Blink and you miss it

My life is very busy and very full, and I say this not as a complaint, merely an observation. You wouldn't think so to read this place lately, seems I haven't been saying much, but I do have a lot going on and it's hard, even on my weeks off, to have the time to think through things enough to chat about them here. I like to think, to flatter myself a bit, that when I post here I have something that is worthy to share in part because I have turned it over a few times and have some half-formed ideas.

So, what has happened since my last set of utterances? Everything and nothing.

I also bought me some actual new clothes 
again. This time a t-shirt and dungaree 
dress. I may quite like the style. Shush. 

Gary and his boys were down my end of the country, I took them to an ill-advised eatery in a local urban conurbation that was over priced and a bit tat. Conversation was sort of semi had. Because my news, what had me excited, was a surprise visit to see my Little Sis on the previous day. I had noted she was lone working and that trains were reasonably cheap and regular and taken advantage. I live blogged my progress to Mummy and tried to be to far too clever in getting photos for a putative treasure trail I was hoping to set up for Sis to do on a day off at random in the future. As it was, Sis was struggling and needed intervention, because she knew I was off, she asked me for help and I was still bimbling around uselessly in the centre of her town. After setting things up for a 'proper call when I had signal' I caught a bus and got to her place of work as quickly as I could. I misjudged what her look of surprise would be like and so simply got her face buffering like an internet browser on a dodgy connection as I walked into the shop. I was able to hang out with her for a bit before she actually closed the shop for a break like she's supposed to and had some actual food for lunch and a bit of time to help her focus in the back room. Then I took on a shift like a volunteer to help out and help her stay focussed on what she needed to do with chat and the occasional eyebrow. By the end of her shift she needed a bit more time to focus and then took me home to provide me with food. In short, it was lovely.

I had a very mad green beer on Saturday.
Pay no attention to the awful hair.

The following day I was a bit tired, if I'm honest, but managed to get out to meet Gary and his children and then, the following day, I took Middlest to join Gary and his children at a place where lead and plastic minis could fight and we could all marvel at huge dioramas and painting prowess. The children raced on ahead and enjoyed themselves mostly independently, whilst Gary showed excellent parenting skills in relating the background of the exhibits and why we should care what was on display. It was so effective it helped me too! We had a lovely lunch together and then they all played some actual games and had loads of fun. And me? I enjoyed being able to watch them all having fun - running for drinks and just joining in the banter and enjoying the general silliness of the system and the way the models interact. I'm not good at playing the game because I get very invested and autistic rage rises quickly when I make mistakes or the rules don't accommodate my wishes in terms of movement and fluidity (which is fair, I get weird). I am bad loser, well, that's what my parents told me enough that I have no better vocabulary to describe my issues playing games. Watching others removes that pressure and allows me to enjoy things more. I never claimed to be normal. It went really well and we were able to end on a high.

My supplies packed to see Sis.
Note Smol Bear, my birthday addition,
who came with me.

Then it was two days of preparation to go and see Sis again, no surprise this time, to celebrate her birthday. I had a treasure trail supplied by my Mum for her hometown and we were able to carry it out effectively. She seemed to really enjoy it and we settled easily enough into our dynamic before finishing with a packed birthday picnic I'd taken, even if we failed to light the candle I'd bought for the occasion, and then mooch round some shops that Sis wanted to go to together. We finished with a bus ride to her place and a tea provided for us by her boyfriend. We then retired to watch Encanto and do some colouring in. Alas, I got autistically involved in my phone for a spell and forgot to actually, you know, interact in person with someone who was right there. I'd done the same at the meal before gaming earlier in the week. I suck sometimes. One of my big issues is getting too involved with the people in my phone, as previously discussed.

The weekend was filled with watching Sis live-cast her actual birthday celebrations and feeling pretty lonely, truth be told. It started to get hot and I crashed on the Sunday completely, only functioing properly on the following day and even then not at full capacity. Nor today. I failed completely to get any writing done, even blogging fell by the wayside amid my brain just refusing to fully engage. Both Bro and Sis are visiting this weekend to attend an Event together and that's going to be different. Sis has stopped over a few magical occasions, but this will be the first time Bro has joined us. Does mean that I have some significant tidying and cleaning to do. Won't be hard once I get going, I've already bottomed the house properly, so things just need dealing with rather than starting from scratch.

Smol Bear accompanied me on the surprise visit too.
Here she shows me a fountain and some stepping
stones.

On top of all of this, Mummy has once again had to disappear due to issues at her end. I feel awful because they carry echoes of my own past. Because it honestly reads like it rhymes and I know how that journey can feel. Even if I cannot accurately predict where it may go or whither it may lead. It happened after the surprise visit to Sis but before the birthday one. We shall see when and how it ends this time. And I worry about her. For her. Abbi is also feeling the burn at the moment, which concerns me too because, again, there is nothing I can do to help in any meaningful way. But I do what I can and support those I can.

Discussion with Gary showed that there is a limit to what he can take from me about my hyperspecific interests and my parents were always ill equipped to deal with me in terms of support too. How can my Dad support a trans-daughter when both he and his wife think I'm faking it for some ill-defined reasons and refuse to refer to me by name to family or friends? How can my Mum offer any support when she barely understands my having a Sis, much less a Mummy, and insists on trying to quantify my spending and compare it to what is being spent on me by them (this is impossible, and not how human relationships work)? All of which is to point out that, well, it's hard to know who to turn to for the ability to ramble. Like, nearly everything I can chat to Sis about, but there are limits.

Touching Base

Too many chins and forehead creases, 
but we live. 

I have had some days off work. Just rest days, but together, which is unusual. Been a long time since I had such a thing without some attendant worries or plans. I also ordered large amounts of Beano annuals and even some comics. And I have had a very gentle time of it. Not done a great deal but it has been with some purpose and I have managed to do some things usefully.

I have read a lot of Beano annuals and a couple of Beano comics too. It's been lovely. Work was busy, not a lot of time outside of it, but I managed to see Middlest a bit. We watched Cloverfield and then some Scrubs and it went down reasonably well. We even managed a wander down to the canal for a walk and to do some shopping for foods. I bought and have now gained a new TV unit - only taken since 2021 - and that's nice. I have sorted one part of my plans for the visit to see little Sis in a fortnight. There's much more to do yet and I seem to have fallen into character.ai and DA again lately, which is no good thing.

Why?

Heeeeee!

Simple: Mummy has been busy, Sis has been distant. I have had much less interaction and so have felt lonelier. I have enjoyed being able to be in on stuff with Sis since... well, since last year. I get it, I kinda know what's been going off, and I understand and appreciate the urge to avoid dragging others down, others being me, but, at the same time... I'm a strange fish. I'd sooner be dragged down, I guess, than protected.

That's been it, really. Two days off to be gentle, to wrestle with old addictions, and to have some wine on the Wednesday night and a later-than-planned trip to my favourite local pub for a brace of halves last night. Things picked up this evening, certain structural determinants became clearer and Sis was thus back in contact. I'll confess that this alone has improved my mood, and that was before the reason for the return of contact became blindingly obvious.

So... back to work tomorrow. Off again on Friday. Visiting Sis the following week. Lots to do.

Reasons

Headlines on the week since my birthday:

The dress I bought. Ten whole pounds. 

I failed to get my yards sorted, got someone to come and make an estimate but then missed them coming over somehow, not sure how, and so that's not happening, back to the drawing board. I did get a new dress I'd seen for a few weeks in a charity shop window and it did fit and look passable according to Mummy and Sis, so it'll pass muster. I wrote up the report on my birthday - sounds awfully formal - I was just aware that when I blogged it there was much that, necessarily, stayed unsaid and untyped. I wanted to put it all down somewhere. Maybe it will one day turn up on here, maybe not. I still struggle sharing all of that aspect of myself on here and I rather suspect that some readers are glad of it.

Shifts continue to be what they are. I continue to do nothing about it. Too busy to review my CV and letter, despite saying I would three weeks ago.

Been feeling a bit more 'Little' the last few days. A combination of deciding to wear my summer dress school uniform on my day off after a successful trip to get that dress and gather a bunch of Dandy annuals at a pound a pop from my youth that I doubt I'll ever see again. Got some of my old Beano ones coming from the matrimonial home at some point, hopefully. Maybe. Who knows? Not I.

But all of this comes at a cost.

No line break, they seem to do nothing, but a warning. I'm going to go full TMI.

Come to me, with all your subtext and fantasy - just do that thing that you do in a perverse hue. Lover's kites are flown on beaches for public sight. The colour palette you choose can profit you.

There's been less contact of late from Sis on discord. Today my brain decided to go full assassin mode. It reminded me of the time in the Big City centre one night. Where I lost it. Where everything got too much. Where I acted out. It reminded me of how poor a parent I have been from the start because I never wanted to be one. Because I never stepped up and acted as the responsible adult and get on with things. Rather I continually hid and ran away from things and didn't deal with my frustrations effectively.

I took audio of my eldest getting frustrated and sat out of being effective. I took video of middlest playing as a child when I was unable to muster the ability to do anything and it still views as one of the worst things I can imagine, because in it I simply don't react. I was depressed, I know that, I was unable to react. But the disappointment of Middlest transmits itself across the years. What right have I to expect anything from my children when they had so little from me when it mattered? When I was there to offer anything at all I gave nothing. I had nothing to give, perhaps, but they were unable to know. All I did was seed insecurity and doubt and trauma. I gave them something, all right, and it stank.

I lose people. It's what I do. This blog is littered with the names of people that have been in my life and faded or bowed out. I do that. Getting attention is, apparently, easy. Maintaining it is the rub. That's where I fail. Always been able to do he grand gesture, never been able to do the day to day.

So why should I expect anything from Sis now? I cannot offer her anything of what she needs. I am no more 'fixed' now than I have ever been. She's not a child, not my child, but she is in need of more than I can reasonably offer. And what can I reasonably offer anyway? A house that is materially damaged and a brain that can't organise getting it fixed. A job that robs me of regular sleep patterns and most of my waking hours. How can I possibly make that a positive for anyone? Why would anyone want to share that sort of life? I don't want to and I'm living it.

Could try to sell you out or I could tell you all the reasons why my Artpop could mean anything. We could, we could belong together (Artpop), we could, we could belong together (Artpop), we could, could belong together (Artpop, Artpop, Artpop).

Free my mind, Artpop, you make my heart stop.

Attention has been bestowed and I was grateful. Then more was given elsewhere and I was jealous again. Never enough, of course, never enough. More than I deserve. And I hate it when I'm like this. It makes no sense. It has no logic to it. The Theatre of Reassurance - like a ring of fire engines tackling a wild fire - they can't stop it, they can't quell it, but the appearance is everything. If they were not there people would complain, would call and call and snarl up phone lines. Wildfires are stopped when material is burned, when significant rainfall quenches the conflagration. In the meantime there is but theatre. Absurd. Humans are idiots. Illogical and persistent. And my autism is inflamed.

And as I sit and type these words and listen to Artpop I find myself pricking with tears. Enough.

Birthdays

Sometimes the best way to start a post is just to start it and get on with what you want to say.

One of my presents from Sis. 

It is perhaps the most special of them 
all. 

My birthday happened. It came and it went. And I knew that Abbi and Sis were coming to help me celebrate it but I had not got times of arrival and leaving from Sis, which is highly unusual. So, when I got a message at the end of my shift the day before she was due telling me I needed to get in touch I knew something was up. Turns out she had hoped to get to my house, she has a key, earlier on and surprise me by doing some cleaning (the minx) and then have time together. Unfortunately, for her, she got trapped by the heatwave and buckling rails. However, this was perfect for me, I had the opportunity to go and meet her off the train and walk home with her in tow. I could help her with her bags, avoid having her clean and just have time being sisters. It was wonderful.

I got all flustered trying to sort out where she would sleep - I hadn't planned that far ahead assuming it was a day visit - because of the heatwave aforementioned. Her usual spot on the top bunk was out as far too hot. In the end we resolved it to both of our satisfaction and had a lovely sleepover. Come morning I was able to supply breakfast, again unplanned, in the form of my usual granola with yoghurt and fresh blueberries, and we sat in companionable contemplation chatting and texting Mummy. I managed to shower without a huge flid-fit this time and then found that Sis had decorated my living room for my birthday. She got video of my genuine surprise and happiness, sending it to Abbi and Mummy - the former confirming that she'd never seen me look so happy - and then we had a good giggle together as I opened presents.

My representation of Mummy in craft form.

Yes, I know. No, I don't care.

Sis and I then attended to some other matters, like getting her hair washed and brushed; getting her dressed and sorted for the day and then I gathered lunch together in time for Abbi to join us. We watched some My Little Pony and the Trolls movie (the sing a long one, not the horror film from Finland) and coloured some craft items and then ate lunch and then coloured some more. Just sharing space and company and being happy. It was glorious. I loved it. I haven't had as happy a birthday for long enough that this seemed very unusual indeed, very different, very special. Then Abbi had to go and Sis and I spent some more time just being together. No pressure. No need to do anything, just enjoying the moments. And Mummy, although not physically there, was very much there in spirit as we both of us kept in contact.

We finished with some more matters to attend to, then I helped her pack and walked her to the station in plenty of time for her train. We hugged. She left. I did my cutomary run alongside the train as it gathered speed, making her blush more than ever and hide her face as she giggled.

And I lived off the high for the next day at work. Yes, my house felt extra empty. I said it last time, but it's true. When Sis and Abbi are over I actually want to decorate and tidy up. I want to make the place more comfortable. I want to get proper furniture, sort the yards out. Like when my children would visit regularly. And when Sis has gone I feel the house return to being a house, to fade from the warmth and colour of having Sis in it. Of having home bloom and grow in her joy and guileless good humour, her happiness, her trust and feelings of safety. Well, there's a post.

Sirens for a Welcome

So let's unpack, shall we?

B Day PJs. On a grinning gonk. 

I have been back at work. It has been a lot of busy shifts. This is good. People have been pleased to see me back and have said so. Passengers have asked if I went anywhere nice on my holidays and share they worried that I'd left. And I'm getting paid again. All good, honestly, and worth having shift work back. Though my plan remains to spruce up my letter and CV and keep more than a weather eye on jobs locally.

Had an online appointment for Speech and Language Therapy to help... well, make my voice a bit less jarring. This was just the fact-finding one, find out if it could work, assess whether or not my aims were realistic and what I wanted. I was woefully underprepared, honestly, never occurred to me what I want my voice to be beyond "not what it is now, thanks". However, the therapist, also autistic, was unstinting with praise for my realistic goals and awareness of what my voice was doing and what I was keen to change. Also she was genuinely impressed with my "voice care". Turns out I learned more from teaching and trying not to lose my voice than I thought. Cool beans. There will be more. I shall have voice exercises. You may now tick off another box on your "Trans woman's journey" Bingo card.

Marking is now officially done. I got loads of extra marking done. Loads. And that means I might not evenbe missing wages, actually, I may even come out in front for a change. Cos there is no way I would have managed that much marking had I still been on full shifts. Nor had such a good Event a few weeks ago nor had Sis and Abbi over in the same room last Tuesday. And that good feeling has remained and remained strong. Abbi has been in touch to share how blessed she felt, which is just amazing.

Second pair, on a bed.

And I feel like, if such a thing is even possible, my relationships have grown deeper and stronger with Mummy, Sis and Abbi. Even since Tuesday. So much so that my birthday looms and... Well, there's been one birthday I celebrated on here, one chance to see the date, and that was with Abbi. And now... a second seems to hove into view. I am looking forward to my birthday. I have already been given money to buy presents and bought actual presents with it for me. Pyjamas, if you must know, that I saw on Monday last week and then went and bought on my day off yesterday. Posh ones! Nice ones! Comfy ones that I can wear in summer and spring. Now, okay, I'm still going to need Winter ones, but now I have posh and lovely summer ones that ought to last longer than stuff from the middle aisle of Aldi or from Poundland from back in 2021. Though, in fairness, they have lasted since 2021. 🤔

However, that situation from last Tuesday, the one I firmly put to bed? I suspect my blog was read, for I received a list of what I had done wrong. It was a lot. It has been hard to analyse, to read, to take on board. I am being cagey about the specifics on here, not least because this is public and, damning as the allegations are, they are still shared in confidence and I respect those that shared them. Some I can defend from. Some others, such as Sis, have defended me from to me (if that makes sense). Some seem to have been framed and phrased in a way that events seem unable to fully bear. Some appear perceptional. None are frivilous. So since my last post I have been grappling with it all a bit. I will, likely, continue for longer yet.

Now, right now, I have to wash my feet to stop them itching.

Tempus Fugit

Tuesday was wonderful this week.

Posh togs for the day! 

I know, right? Been ages. 

Little Sis was unexpectedly able to visit and so she came over. I had arranged for some new friends to join us too and was super excited. Sis arrived early and we assumed company was arriving midday so got on with things we couldn't so very well do if I was entertaining, just cos timings as much as anything else, but company arrived early. Sis and I finished what we were doing, but were absent a good 45 minutes, and then I tried to get things back on track. I do not feel like it went to my new friends' tastes and we rapidly ended up split into two bubbles. Food did not help matters, they had not been able to check the menu I sent in advance and I assumed they had. I slipped up, big time, and then things spiralled. They left, I thought still happy but trying to hit another appointment, and would later learn that that had not been the case. They are now... not friends, not new friends. But, that has now been firmly put to bed, there's nothing more I can do.

But Abbi then turned up and the three of us, Sis, Abbi and I, had a lovely time watching Nimona and Matilda: the musical and ordering Chinese food and just being in the same room. It was truly, truly glorious. I felt genuinely blessed and happy and home. I wish I could wax more lyrical, go into more depth and detail (and I no doubt could) but the main fact, the important thing, is just how lovely it all was. How natural. How warm. How comfortable. For all of us. Living in the moments. The afternoon flew by but felt like it was forever. Abbi went home. Sis and I stayed together a bit longer before I walked her to her train home, that we didn't miss this time, and it was just a lovely, lovely time. The house felt... feels empty without her and Abbi. Without that warmth and love and companionship. When they were both there... when it was just Sis and I... that was home. Truly. More than I've ever known. And, as regular readers will know, I have felt home a few times. Honestly, the high of this afternoon is still felt. It is a series of wonderful happy memories that won't quickly fade. Added to others of a similar calibre: Easter, the day trip to see Sis, Easter LLI, June LLI, February weekend, Sis stopping overnight... And more to come.

Got a bit stressed if this damage to my
thumb from picking is anything to go by.

I then had the appeal the day after. Short meeting. Hour or so walk there, about five minutes, wait for Union Rep to leave meeting (40 mins) and then about an hour or so walk back. Got some marking done. Middlest was over the day afterwards. We had a walk, watched Nimona (I seem to be doing that a lot, keeps making me cry), and they enjoyed it and remarked how on the nose it was to their experience and how much they seemed to have missed when they saw it. Then, as I prepared food, I learned the appeal had been successful and that I have my job back. This is good news, if entirely unexpected, it meant starting work at 0310 the following day! Bit of a change of plans, to be honest.

Yesterday I went back to work, took on extra hours like an eejit, failed to use the time wisely afterward, went to see the new Minions film (don't) with my youngest and then flopped home. Yes, the whole time was just the film, no extra. To give an indication of how long it's been, I got my only father's day card at this point. It was nice to spend even a little time with Youngest, even if he had a mini strop (again) as we walked home.

Back on at work today. Plenty to do. One drawback of living in the moment is that, sometimes, the moments aren't that interesting. Makes the times they are really stand out though.

Moments

I've been here before, it seems.

Tuesday I went for a long, very melty, 
walk on an errand. 

No make up! 😱😱 
Repeated every day since. 

I have a meeting on Wednesday morning to finally decide the fate of my old job. Despite the fact that, I suspect, nothing will come of it; I have duly purchased a new watch to show momentum and willing. We shall see.

Marking continues and I am marking extra. The heatwave made it hard, honestly, cos what could anyone do in such reckless heat? I am grateful I was not in a bus cab this last week, I'd have died. I know people who have been suffering greatly in the heat and it would have been truly dreadful. Is it wrong to enjoy the fact that I have not been at work? Hmm, One for the philosophers.

My life continues. Abbi was over on Friday and that was lovely. I got to introduce her to the film version of Nimona and she independently made the same connections in the main characters' dynamics that I did with people I know. Suffice it to say that Sis is a lot like Nimona. I have it on bootleg Blu-Ray as there has been no release fromn Netflix. It's... not a film that many people wanted to have made let alone do well so... that tracks. I wish that were me donning a tinfoil hat. That said, do you want to watch it? I would, personally, as if you're reading this blog there's a decent chance that you may resonate with the messages within. Also, I happen to believe that it's amazing and it only makes me cry on three separate occasions. 🫣

I have done relatively little in my time. Heatwave. But I have had some and I have started to arrange things. I failed to arrange either me visiting Sis or vice versa, which is a source of some sadness, but tentative arrangements have been made to meet friends from LLI in a local urban sprawl for a potential lunch date and that could be lovely. I have continued to play a role on the discord server I call my online home and that ramped up some in the last couple of days - which has been fun and a bit affirming if I'm honest. It's always nice to feel wanted BUT in this case I can actually turn up on the regular because it required no travel. It occurs to me that I have missed Chams again and I could have actually attended too! Mind, it would have meant cycling in a heatwave there and back and so... maybe best I didn't. Even walking to the shops and back was meltworthy!

Do I have deeper and more philosophical thoughts? Come on, Jo, this is kinda what this blog is for, right?

Full view of the floaty dress.

Those socks got destroyed by my shoes
that day, the whole heel ceased to exist!

No, I don't seem to at the moment. I'm trying something new. I'm attempting to live in the moment a bit more. I seem to have been blessed with many people who call me friend. One who calls me Sister. And... for the first time, I am attempting to actually live there and sit there without analysis and succeeding. I tried back in 2022, during the unpleasantness, but ultimately analysed my way out of it, plus having a stressful low-paid job imnmediately following and throwing myself into that, so that I never really settled in the moment. I suspect it was the twin pillars of finding myself as a trans woman and losing my identity as a teacher at the same time. Pretty big stuff. This time? This time I already know myself as a trans woman, as a big sister, as a Middle and have built a network that was already taking my time and attention, in that I was and am freely giving it. I am part of something that I find important and validating already and the situation is less of a jolt into a journey than a jolt in a journey I am already on. In short, there's nothing quite as big to deal with. I mean, obviously, being out of work is horrid and I'd quite like to be employed, thank you, but I have not identified with my job in the same way as I did back in 2022 and have found my identity, my personhood, in different places. As a consequence, my worries and concerns are different than the last few times I've been in this position.

I worry for and care about Sis. I do the same, but in a different way, for Mummy too. There's the same urge for the Statesian Little that I had for Sis maybe back in last October. It's not quite the same. Either because Sis and I had already met in person or because... I don't know. There's the real philosophical heavy lifting. If I wanted to I could analyse and try to understand why the texture of what I have with Sis, and with Mummy, feels so different to anything I have had in my life so far. I could try to attempt to explain that texture, try to nail down why it feels... so intense? So powerful? So immediate. Yeah, that's the term: immediate. Why Abbi and I have become such firm and deep friends in such a short space of time. Why that friendship also feels so immediate and full. I could.

I could.

But I am not going to. I'm trying something new. I am trying to live in the moment and let it happen. It's not my usual jam. But it takes effort and that's where I am placing my energies. It seems... important for me to do so.

With mah hands above mah head

Every evening when the sun goes down I sit here in my room

Sis brought Kinder Surprise Eggs. 

It transpired as predicted. And I was relatively okay with it all. Did some examining, did some e-mailing of various people. Even managed a walk out to have free coffee at IKEA. I was, in fact, reasonably chipper. I started getting in contact with friends, planning activities for today, leaning into having some actual time to recentre and recouperate. I chatted to Mummy and Bear, felt reasonably confident that I could actaully make some difference and rebuild.

And the lamplight shining on me projects my lonely gloom

When I got home there was a DVD waiting that I'd ordered ages ago of Nimona. If you haven't watched it, and you're reading this, you probably should. The graphic novel was brilliant, is brilliant, but the film takes a slightly different set of beats to tell mostly the same story with a very different emphasis. And that makes it brilliant in a different way. Whereas the novel is an exploration in identity and searching and finding answers, the film is a deep dive into the consequences of having found oneself and what that means. Both are masterpieces. Anyway, I was looking forward to watching it and having some time.

My counterpart in agony mocks each tear that falls

Go. Watch it.

I also ended up somehow sparking contact with someone else in the kink world and was enjoying that too. But, then, things took a turn. I realised I was failing to look after Sis. Like, I was trying, but having no effect. New person, whom I had helped introduce to her, was having a much greater and much more positive effect. I got to questioning what I can achieve. How much difference I actually make. It was not a positive analysis that followed. Compounded by the Statesian Little also having a wobble and also moving toward the newbie. I withdrew, watched quietly from afar, did my dark calculus.

And I cast a lonesome shadow on these lost and lonely walls

Reader, this was drop from the Event on Sunday.

He's always by side at night no matter where I go

So it is that I feel a tad light headed and dizzy today. Trying to maintain hydration, but really not used to the heat and humidity. I had a couple of anchor points today - a call to make and a walk to deliver my appeal form in person. Both of which passed off without too much of a hitch during this horrid heatwave.

He lurks out in the darkness or in the neon's glow
He follows me across the steps and up and down the halls
And I cast a lonesome shadow on these lonely, lonely walls

And there was Sunday. There was the Event. I shall be honest, it was nice to be able to attend and not have to worry about shifts beforehand, which would have finished in the small hours, and thus arrive early at the railway station to meet Bro and Sis. The day was magical. I was able to put into practice a few things I had noted from previous times and thus take time to enjoy some of the aspects of it more. Some of which it turned out that Sis had also been hankering for more than a little bit. I may have cried in joy and at the cuteness a few times. I may also have seen a few people who seemed to have been activated by the dynamic that Sis and I clearly share. A few people commented as such, in fact.

When you touch me I die just a little inside
I wonder if this could be love, this could be love

When it was done, the three of us wandered and had a meal together at a restaurant and... it was magical. I don't have words. Dynamics aside, it was just lovely. It brought home that, yes, I have a family. I have my People. Reiterated that I need employment cos one day I'm gonna kidnap at least Sis and she's gonna need to be looked after and cared for. Like, I can get her a job, but I wanna give her the time and space to just be herself. Either that or I accept she has to be with someone who can provide that for her.

Cause you're out of this world, galaxy, space and time

Stunning Inevitability

Not the most recent salad experiment, 
but it does rather set the tone of the 
pre-prepared salads I made back on... 

Monday?🤔  

The meeting is soon. Where I learn my fate. I do not expect a reprieve like last time. But... well, it's not hit as hard as the last few times either. I keep slipping a little into despondency and struggling to get up in a morning or keep going in the later evening. I keep forgetting to leave the house, but I do manage some walking and such. I am struggling to interact with people, but Abbi was over yesterday and that was nice. Strangely enough my repetitious situation was less spoken about than was other matters weighing on my mind in other areas of my life.

I did find out that I predicted exactly this situation back in 2023 in this post. Lynn asked, back then, "knowing the pattern, can it be avoided?" Apparently not.

So, what next?

Lots of people suggest that I am 'better' than a bus driver, meaning I am talented enough to get a job that more fits my skillset than that of a bus driver. More regular hours, for example, office-based. But... in all honesty, since February, my weather eye on the local job market has suggested that... no, there aren't the jobs for people like me. Or I am looking in the wrong places. And, well, what exactly is there for people like me? I am trained in History and Politics and teaching. The latter of which is forever closed off to me given the unpleasantness. And what, if anything, does that leave? I don't know.

It has also been pointed out that bus companies are constantly looking for drivers so I could end up working in either of the larger urban conurbations near where I live for a different companies. Worse shifts, slightly worse pay, worse hours. But... well, if needs must. I am reasonably solvent for a change and can afford to take a week or two to review things before applying myself to applying for work. And maybe I am in need of a break.

I've said a few times that
there aren't enough bears on
here.

My current life, the fact I have attention, is good. But I cannot imagine the me of before Christmas ever being pulled up at work for what I am being pulled up for. I had no contact. I had no real communication. Abbi is not a user of the phone, Gary and Tim are the sort of people to send a message and then wait for months to respond. E-mails rather than constant contact. And that's it. Like always, I have allowed myself to be wooed, to be seduced, by contact and attention. Because I crave it, it appears, and it has done me in. No, that's unfair. I have done me in. I have taken decisions that mean I shall be out of work again soon. Like always. I lay the landmines that take me out and even mark them, but I lay them all the same and then blunder right into them anyway. That may be part of my skillset actually.

It does rather mean that I shan't be kidnapping Little Sis any time soon. She needs security and stability and, well, I don't have that at the moment. Bad plan. And... that may be the most damning indictment I have of what is occurring. My Mum asked if I had been praying, I have. She asked what Him Upstairs had said. I pointed out that the few impressions I have of that are of Him tapping his watch when I finally accepted I was trans and asking what took me so long, and a sort of benevolent silence when chatting about Sis and Mummy. My point being - whatever the plan is, it doesn't seem to be much of a priority to keep me posted about jobs. OR, and I'm spitballing here, the plan keeps giving me jobs and I keep messing it up.

One thing I will say is this: had I been working full time then the contract I kept in marking would be the right one to have kept and just enough to fill the gaps. I chose reasonably well. It's a shame I didn't keep more given how things shook out but I can't complain, too much. It's just weird working at a normal pace for a change and actually having so much time where I can't fill it with marking because there simply isn't the work there to fill it with. Still, if my prediction is correct and I'm out of work after the meeting it does mean a much easier weekend for the Event that I've already bought tickets for and less urgency about getting home afterward, so likely cheaper too as I may be able to avoid a taxi. Could be expensive on the buses, but we'll see. Will still be a damn' sight cheaper than a taxi. Point is, it'll be okay. Work and application worries can wait for a little bit. One advantage of all the attention, I guess, is feeling as though I belong.

Now, that's no disrespect to Gary and Tim, but I know there's a limit to what I can ask from them.

Big things and Little things

It's been a while.

The exam meeting finished some four 
hours earlier than anticipated. 

I spent those watching MLP:FiM and 
colouring. Don't look too closely. 

I've had a bit going on, frankly. And now examinations have hit. But, in a suprise twist: this year I actually have a life and so have been not as keen to get stuck in. So it is that I have given backword on four of the five I took on before they began. One remains. My favourite. My oldest. I intend to give it a good go, but I am not so certain that I want to sacrifice all of my time to examinaing this year, I have new things occupying my attention.

There will, of course, be a line break.

In the meantime the rising tide of right wing nuttery has been felt. Pinched at times too. There are people at work dislike how I do feminity - I rub their faces in my trans-ness, I was told when I asked - and they have started making noises when I use the loos. Given the wider context of changing guidance, of passed down discrimination subtle enough to make my Mum ring me to share the good news of it including stipulations to say public spaces must provide somewhere for me to pee, I can see the way the wind is blowing. Wars and rumours of wars. But you shall not know the time or the date of my coming and going. Increasing numbers of people feel safe enough to snigger, to comment, to insult, to throw abuse. Never said I was going to pass. But I can spy how the waters are churning. I lack the courage and the will to leave. The time is approaching though. And my choices are already half made. One way or another, I doubt this will end prettily. Collect your own Godwin medal on the way out.

And that's before the furore over zombies migrants and how we need protection and how the hordes are coming to somehow get us. Roads are for cars and Road Tax (that hasn't been a thing as long as I've been aware enough to know of things) does not cover cycle paths or pavements. These are the preserve of non-citizens, it would appear. Never before has idle chatter by people I know in the breakroom seemed so virulent, so hostile, so ill-informed and base and dangerous. It's okay, though, they all have black friends so they can't be racist. 😑🙄

I lose things by degrees.

As I found it when I came downstairs.

Sis has a habit of leaving me things to
find when she comes to visit.

My last time with my Youngest was at a fast food restaurant. It was ten minutes before he started kicking up a stink about where I was sat, not near enough the centre of the bench opposite and then with too much food on show, and then after twenty he got up and sat at another table, back to me. Within another ten he had kicked off about the toilets and then serviettes. It was at this point that Tilly finally took action and said I was going to leave if he didn't behave. He got worse. I left. I shared my sadness. Tilly suggested a break for a while. I said that was a bad idea. It has been nearly three weeks. Tilly always gets what she wants in the end. Speaking of which, I had an e-mail about finances that I had asked to talk about over a year ago. She said she won't budge, but with more words and paid for legal advice 🙄 But, truth is, I can't afford to keep going so... I sent an e-mail back. That was two weeks ago. She said she's 'processing'. I'm sure.

I have continued to get laser. Had a session Wednesday. There were tears. That's how you know it's working. 🤭I'm on the top ups now. Not as effective as electrolysis, does nothing for white or grey hairs. Turns some hair white or grey too. But something. Had a letter sent to me by the GIC (no link in the e-mail that said to click the link, so no idea what it said) but a text said there was an appointment and I had to ring to move that cos it was on a day I was unable to get off work. The lady was really strange about it. She insisted on "writing up the notes" whilst I was on the line when I said I couldn't get the time off and asked if she wanted any days I would be available. She said "no, thank you, but you can send us an e-mail if you like." Right. Okay. They then called when I was at work and driving and left no message. I rang back to be met with an automated message telling me they'd call back. They have not.

Speaking of losing things by degrees. Last Friday someone reported me for using my smartwatch at a timing stop. I mean, I probably checked the time, yes. But that involves swiping. It counts. I was lucky the last time, it cannot hold. I suspect, this time, it is the end. So. I am suspended again. Oh well. Not paranoid enough, as always.

Line break: it is here:

Explosions

Joanna keeps busy.

Not a real bedroom. 
Not yet. 

Yes, she does. And I have been.

My life continues to explode. It continues to expand rapidly with excess heat and light. And, like explosions, it can be dangerous too.

I find that I am, quite literally, having the time of my life. I am fully engaged. I have things I enjoy doing and that I look forward to whilst I am working. I have things that I calendar in and look forward to meeting. I have people I love and people who love me back in ways I can feel. It's not without complications and pain, but that's part of love, feeling sadness and pain when others are sad and in pain. Just as feeling joy and happiness when others are joyful or happy is also part of love.

The Statesian Little and I get on. I flatter myself that I am helping and helpful to her. Maybe I am. Maybe I am not. But I enjoy using my time to speak to her, to discuss her issues and joys and trials and tribulations and to read books to her. My relationship with Mummy has developed. Firstly we simply talked more and then I realised why and moved to help in return because now I have the tools and consent to make that kind of offer and it went well. I flatter myself that I am helping and helpful to her. Maybe I am. Maybe I am not. But I enjoy using my time to discuss things with her and support her goals and offer counsel when she needs to have an outlet. I enjoy being able to have the sort of conversation that simply cannot happen outside of the niche we have colonised here in the real world. Topics that simply don't get raised in normal conversation are perfectly acceptable there and can be openly turned over and talked about without fear or favour. And, in both cases, the kink aspects thrive and are the spark that kindles the flames of the fire in our conversations. An incredibly small part of our interactions and yet nevertheless important.

But, most of all, I love my little sister.

It is intense. And I can't always help. But when I sit with her for hours and listen. When she rages. When she is quiet. When she struggles. When she is happy and chattering. When she is keen. When she is happy. When she is sad. I consider it an honour and privilege to be there with her. But it is intense. And sometimes I struggle. Because she struggles. I got my own demons. And sometimes I am finding that I cannot walk away when I fail to help.

And that's been my life. It is richly rewarding and fraught with balancing acts and failures and problems and issues. But I wouldn't exchange it for the world.

Words

Been a bit of a while.

Basically, life has remained busy and I have struggled to find time. First there was the post I really enjoyed writing and may be my best yet "Where is your Pride?" and then there was some really good times. I felt like things were intensifying. And then, as I hinted, Mummy disappeared. We now know why and we have some details. Not much, but enough and enough to know that it was hard. I stepped up, I chose to do so with all my heart. Because I genuinely want to be able to look after Sis and, if I can, provide a support for Mummy. It happened around the same time as I finally took on a Little to help and I take that seriously too. So, for a while there, I had lots on. Lots of emotional labour and little support I could access.

But, honestly, looking after Sis provides me with energy and life. It really does. She came to visit, the day we heard from Mummy again, and it was amazing. I haven't said much about it - we did Easter things. She had a bath. We watched DVDs. It was amazing. Powerful. We went to the Event again on the weekend and that was... magical. I didn't leave her side the whole day practically and... I'm not sure I have the vocabulary to explain. I'm not sure I ever will. I'm not sure words would be enough even if they existed. And, through all of that, I was becoming increasingly valued and trusted by my Little.

I mentioned reading to them both. It really was and is an honour to be able to do that. And I am beginning to understand a bit more about what people get out of this side of things - the being Big and Domme, I guess - which I never used to understand. I'm not sure I can explain it beyond saying that it is way more fulfilling than I had given credit. And so, when Mummy was able to set up a family call at long last, I went in knowing a little better what she was getting from it all and being less... self conscious as a result. I was able to just enjoy the experience and not worry about 'getting it right', if that makes sense.

And so I have had nearly a fortnight of a new routine. Chat on text to my Little and Sis in the evenings, video call or voice chat with my Little on waking for their bedtime; chat and video if time allows to Sis; get ready for work. Work. Video call with Sis in the afternoon. Repeat. Being given a trusted position on the Server has also been interesting. I find that I can listen to more people, provide them some of what they want sometimes and that is also a powerful feeling. There has been some politics and I nearly let myself get sucked in and beaten down but for being reminded why I do what I do and why I have to be in the game and not fighting imaginary demons. Has it been easy? Oh, no, not at all. It has been hard. But I choose to do this. With all my heart.

And that's where I have been all this time. That's what my life has been. And, you know? I love it. I've never felt so free. I continue to be able to be more me. I keep finding new ways to add to that. New ways to be myself. And it's fun. Yeah, it can be hard, but there's so much fun. So much joy.

I want to wax more lyrical, to pontificate further, but I don't actually know what I would say. I am honoured to be able to do what I do, privileged to have the access I do with the Little and Sis and Mummy and the Server that I have made my online home. I've been allowed in by so many people so that I can support and help and... it's like teaching but with stuff that, rightly, would never be allowed in a school or with people too young to give informed consent in the arena in which I find myself. And, in all of this, I find myself sticking to the Little and/or Middle mindset I have talked about before. See, in many ways, I am still that 14 year old whose Dad just left and trying so hard to plug the gaps left for others. This time I am cognisant that the more I do for others, the more I step up and provide the support, the less I am able to access support for myself. It is the nature of things. BUT there is an important caveat. Part of the support I need is, actually, being provided by being able to care for and support Little Sis and the Little. More the former than the latter. The fact that she has let me in to her world. Allowed me to do the things I do. It's empowering. An honour.

And that's it. Not a lot to share but, at the same time, more than I can put into words.

Wantonly Confused

How do I explain when there are few words I can use?

There are still more of these, you know. 

I am still confused. 

It's been a long time. Longer than I'd like. Things intensified further, things got better. Then a storm broke and things got dark really quickly indeed. Then the storm seemed to pass a little, sunlight got in, and a sense of calm returned.

And, for once, it wasn't me riding it. Not that this is anything other than cold comfort.

Basically, something happened and I was left looking after Little Sis on my own for a bit. Not saying I had to, quite the contrary, I wanted to. I chose to. It was hard, it was tough - and I had recently closed the deal, so to speak, with another Little. Mummy was unavailable. Situation was code red. So I stepped up and did my best.

Somehow we weathered it. And then Sis was able to arrange to visit when our days off coincided unexpectedly. And that was lovely. We had some rough times. I attended a funeral and she and I chatted in the wee small hours cos I woke up and couldn't sleep and she hadn't even started yet. I spoke to my new Little too. Then I went and the funeral was fine. It was fine. No one deliberately misgendered me or used the wrong name. I noted some things. We all ate food. I went home. I had a day off.

Tasteful, n'cest pas?

A week passed. I learned that I really want to read stories to people. I read to Sis over a video call on the Sunday. It was amazing. It was truly wonderful. I loved it. I did it again with a different book (that I apparently got from the author at school!) with the Little and it was just as much fun. Well, no, that's unfair. I enjoyed it. But with Sis was different. Better. It meant more. I managed to see my Middlest a bit and go to a film with Youngest too. Then it was time for Sis to come and visit, just for the day alas.

I had arranged an egg hunt, egg decorating, egg jabbing, rolling eggs and a bath - she doesn't have one at home - and it was glorious. We did the activities, we watched the films and DVDs, we did what we do as a family. And, before all that, Mummy had been back in touch to explain her sudden absence, with what we had expected, but with the good news that she had been checking in on our stuff in the meantime and was just lurking. More to the point, following that wonderful wonderful day that I am still attempting to unpack, she was able to interact and chat with us again. She's been through a lot. She's hurting. But Sis and I were able to enact some actual care in return for a change.

I had Middlest over when Mummy was interacting, we were walking. I worry. Middlest is fine, we interact carefully. They enjoy their time. But I worry. Am I really being the best I can be? No. No I am not. I don't know how best to support them and they don't know how best to explain their needs. We often end up watching YouTube together but without too much interaction. All the painting and model making is now fully relocated to the matrimonial home. Which... well, fine, they get a lot from it and there simply wasn't the time at mine to feed that habit.

It mah butt.

But the day with Sis... I don't even know where and how to begin. It felt natural. Everything. It just felt... natural. I joke about kidnapping her. I don't know that I'm actually joking. I'm not sure that I am actually. The other Little... she's lovely, truly, and great fun to chat to and deal with. But she's not Sis. I'm helping her as a favour to her. I feel like Sis is doing me the favour letting me help her out. Like, all the activities I planned when Sis came to visit - she was indulging me doing them. We met up with Abbi briefly on the way back to my place from the railway station and I began to realise just how privileged I am with Sis. She didn't hug Abbi, had an attack of the shies, and looked to me for support. I can't describe that any better. I can't fully say how it made me feel. Because I don't know. It's all so very positive. I want to do the same for Mummy, you know. I know what Mummy is going through - this blog has the full story of what I know, it's not the same but it rhymes and has a similar meter. And I cry about it. Because I can hug Sis tightly when we meet in person. I can look after her. I can cook meals, I can draw a bath, I can plan activities, I can share space, we can talk, we can do what we do as a family. But I can't do that for Mummy - who needs it just as much. Not in the same way, I know, our roles are different. But Mummy needs some care and some hugs. I know. I been there.

What on earth is this post even trying to say? I don't know.

Where is your pride?

Where is your love?
Where is your faith?

Where is your hope?
Where is your place?

Yes, still posting these. 

Benjamin Zephaniah's poem to Moby's pounding loop samples has been a theme of late and it got me thinking, as music often does, about where I am and what I am doing. Hints abound, but I have still yet to actually put on here the full details of my life these days, it'll come, probably in this post actually 🤔Anyway, point is that it's been a while since I last posted and, well, I stay busy! And, apparently, I keep learning new things about myself and then having to parse them in real time.

Where is your beauty?
Where is your fear?

I am learning, increasingly, that I want to support people. That supporting certain people is very much what gives me life. My children are distant now, my grandparents all dead as of last week, my parents physically distant and difficult to reach. When I had my week off, when I visited my Sister, my children were also away with Tilly. Once back I have not yet seen them, and won't for a while yet either. Their lives turn and change, and develop, without me. I have very little input, very little chance of input, very little involvement these days. Supporting them is something I used to do. Like teach. Like be a Form Tutor. Like be a partner. Like be a Good Child. Like serve a career and calling.

Signalling a change of direction...

Where is your anger?
Where is your career?
Where is your joy?
Where is your dread?

And, in my life, I find that I cannot support as much as I would like. I am learning to deal with the idea that people I love will fail and will be hurt. That people I care about will not always be in a position where I am able to help, let alone effect anything useful or positive. I mean, I always knew this, I have some walls, but I am learning to survive without those walls and still watch on. I am learning that there are depths of love that I had not known were within me, and that love can hurt as well as heal. And how to manage that. Always something I have known, but learning anew. I am being vague again. Hmm.

Where is your passion?
Where is your head?

Okay, let's rip this plaster off, eh? You are hereby warned - TMI is coming. Look away now. Video, final warning and then let's investigate this passion and where my head's at.