Keeps Out the Enemy

Breaking streaks is never a nice feeling. Nearly two years ruined by an attempted downsize in a heatwave that led to a poor sleep a few days back and I woke unable to move my left shoulder properly nor turn my head. Initially I couldn't move them at all. It's getting better, but waking this morning was accompanied by the same sickly feeling that came from way back when I first donned it and took a couple of weeks of on/off wear to clear. I have thus gone a full day now without either the new or the old and I worry I may have hit a barrier like with the Great Experiment. I hope not, but one can never tell.

A mighty host of Seraphon (Lizardmen), to which 
I have done nothing at all, the work of Middlest. 

Middlest and Youngest were over today for a game of Warhammer. Middlest was struggling: with the heat, with time of life, with existential questions - and so struggled to read and apply the rules. The heat also meant that Youngest was on a hair trigger and struggled to keep invested in the game beyond trying to annoy his sibling. It seemed to work mostly well, I am reasonably pleased that my attempt to make 40K Orks and Gretchin work in a fantasy setting (and create an Orc Mage from whole cloth rules wise) seems to have been balanced enough - even if it did mean that Middlest's gribbly monster basically tanked a fusillade of concentrated gunfire before going down without causing a single casualty (his unit of skinks wiped out the Orc archers before they got in range though).

I have managed one whole contract and done some extra, which is nice. I have mostly kept my head above water on the second, my usual favourite, and am now embroiled in a third that I have been finding harder. Part of that is the bad sleep I've been getting (average is about six hours rather than my usual seven or more) and the neck thing - it's hard to focus when muscle pain makes you feel a bit nauseous. I even had to resort to paracetamol and, well, that's not been my style. Still, not denying that having to resort to it felt strangely affirmational. I am strange, I know.

Youngest's Blood Orc Horde, led by the Death
Mage (for whom I had to make up rules from
scratch, and spells).

I continue to take on board extra hours I shouldn't. I continue to partake in bad habits that I do in marking. I continue to mull on how bad a parent I have been and continue to be. I continue to have strangely vivid dreams about the end of my relationship with Tilly - her being disappointed and saddened for good reasons and the residual emotional fall-out from that. Speaking of, she had confirmed via diagnosis some suspicions she'd had since I moved out. I apologised on her telling me last week for not having put two and two together myself. She accepted my apology, and then moved on. I guess I still hoped for some reciprocity, but I never spent any time setting that up so I can hardly really expect it now. Besides, why would she? What on earth would be the point?

House news: new plaster cracks suggest a drying out of some parts of the house I hadn't known were wet, drainpipes at the rear are detached from the house, leading to one pipe to fall apart so now my bath and sink don't quite drain into the drain and it looks like the toilet and shower pipe might fall down if I don't get that fixed soon. Good thing I'm doing these examination contracts I guess!

Coulda Bin a Contender

I made the mistake of watching a (good) video by Brigette Empire a couple of days ago, with some (necessary but awful, as one would expect) quotes from such luminaries as Matt Walsh (if you don't know, don't look him up). It put me in a bit of a downer, if we're honest. Ms Empire's rage and analysis is well-placed, well-directed, powerful. But my brain, being my brain, fastened on to Walsh's remark. I shall place it at the end, after a line break.

Walking home the other day... Monday? 

It was a bit bright and hot and sweaty. 

I have my Dad's (and his Mum's) eyes... 

Also, my hair is a state!

My new friend came over, I did not die of embarrassment! They were very comfortable, in fact, even if my curry was far too watery and not quite cooked right (it's been a while and I was nervous, is my defence). In case you, too, wish to cook a curry for company: remember to roast the spices without the onions first for about 30s in oil after having browned the onions so you can add the spices afterward with a cup or so of water (not the US measurement, just a guess-timation) then add the meat and brown off and then add the veg and tomatoes and another cup of water or so. Also: drain the rice properly. No, don't leave it to soak up all the water, you want the rice to have enough 'give' in it to soak up some sauce when you place it down as a bed.

As to the other reasons I was getting nervous - I forgot key facts about my visitor that mean that, no, there's nothing to read into in the first place. And, yes, I had forgotten and, yes, that did make me a little... I dunno. I dunno. I mean, I was confused and scared and worried and trying to make sure I didn't inadvertantly upset anyone and hadn't made my own mind up on where, if anywhere, I was thinking of going. But, on remembering (or, rather, being reminded) I did feel a tad... I dunno, disappointed perhaps? I keep banging on about it on here, the idea that maybe, just maybe, I might not be the sort to be loved (I do badly in that situation) but there's still a sense of rawness to have confirmed that, no, people aren't interested in me in that way.

Stage one of Model...

I mean, let's face it, it's fine. I recognise that I am no one's idea of a Good Time. I've been chatting to people online and we've had some fun and larks, but the reminders are there too - conversations reach a natural end point and it's me, as ever, does any running to try and keep things going until they fizzle. Okay, not in a relationship sense, just generally. It's a recurrent theme. I don't help matters: I am very much an intellectual snob; I judge people quite harshly in my head (until I can recognise it and rein that in, and remind myself a. I'm in no position to judge anyone, for any reason and b. why I'm in no position - there are multiple reasons). Anyway, yes, once again I thought I'd maybe made a connection with someone only to find that, no, no I had not. I was just on when they had some spare time is all and no one else was. It was a fun exchange, but I was too hasty to think "Fwend!" It is often the case.

Marking continues. Once contract down as of today. Team Leadering duties begun to be discharged - this took about two hours last night for two(!) phone calls (the reason I have the exclamation mark is that, usually, a phone convo as such I had is about ten to fifteen minutes at most) and about two hours today on the admin side of things. I have another contract due to start on Sunday. I also, stupidly, took on extra hours yesterday - it seemed like a good idea, but it left me with very little effective time at the end of the day and none at the start. Early starts mean early to bed, you see.

Stage two...

New tights have arrived, no, I haven't tried them on because it is too hot and that was nice. Youngest was over - we walked eating burgers from a van at the market (my idea and treat) in the shade of trees on a longer detour (straight home was down the streets in full sun, ugh, no thanks) with Tilly in tow. He painted some more gretchin aand I painted more of a single model I've been painting whilst any spaw- children paint their models. I may even go so far as to - shock horror - make the model of my Duchess and paint her next. Single models seem superior to trying to make an army.

I mean, you can see the photo to the side there, and the splash of black paint on the face, the uneven white on the pantaloons, the pink on the hand, the silver on the belt, the lack of finish in the eyes etc... A single model may be more my style, it doesn't make it good.

In HRT news, I have noted some physical changes have reached the point where adjustments are having to be made. Either that or the heat is causing issues - hard to quantify. The downsizing has had to be put on hold due to the heat (and my incredible neck - it is much wider than one may assume in the heat). My wrist also expands signicantly when hot so... (I have to adjust the watch strap to compensate or else get pins and needles in my hand).

Oh, yeah, the line break is here.

Improvements or Perceptions

I find it strange, but also uplifting, how some things go and get better, big and small. Take, for instance, the fortnight since I last posted as a good example of just how bizarre things can be, certainly in my life.

You can take the teacher out of the classroom... 

I mean, yeah, you can. I was. 

I pulled out of one marking contract because it was infuriating (a lack of helpful feedback) and somehow managed to get glowing reviews on the other one - the one I usually fail at and spiral out of control before getting chucked off. This is marking, by the way, which is what we in the UK do instead of 'grading' (that sort of thing is left to a big meeting of bigwigs drawing lines twixt marks by way of bell curves). I usually screw up the History GCSE paper but this year, apparently, I have nailed it consistently from the beginning. Today's meeting where I'm a TL has been a bit more fraught and, although I'm not proud, some creative obfustications meant it passed largely without incident. I'm even mostly on target with the first contract.

A week of middles and lates (finishing into the following day) at work followed by some very earlies, that is shifts that start before 0430, with extra hours on the Thursday gone (and some extra hours in the previous week too) means I have been burning the candle at both ends and the middle when it comes to driving and marking work. It also means I haven't really been active (see the lack of activity here) nor meeting friends. But, then, a new friend did ask to meet and suggested I cook for them (among other options) - which means they are coming over to my hovel to eat tomorrow. I won't lie: I am bricking it. It took me a fair while to dare invite Abbi over and that was before I had exposed brickwork in the living room and when the house was mostly dusted and hoovered. Speaking of vacuuming, my vacuum's filter is discoloured so that using it emits a smell not unlike human waste when in use. Lovely. Basically, I have to spray air freshener immediately after- I'm digressing. I need to buy a new filter, I know, but I also need to vacuum because visitor(!). Insert the enemy aware noise from Full Metal Gear.

I am also bricking it because... well, visitor. I have to entertain.

Saw my Youngest and Eldest in a dance show. Youngest seemed to be in everything and I was so impressed that he knew all the different routines (even if I could tell he liked the last one best because that's where he deployed his full pasty). Eldest got a solo to Run D.M.C. of all things and nailed it because of course she did, she has considerable talent. It is astonishing to me how obvious that has always been (but I am biased) but now she's getting to display it because she's of an age where things are done more on merit than clique. I mean, she's also in a troupe that prizes enthusiasm over social connection anyway, which I approve. Long trip out, long trip back, spending money I perhaps shouldn't have done. But, eh.

I have noticed some things that I am putting down to HRT over this last fortnight. One day I had my usual itchy foot due to overheating and not changing shoes and I scratched it, as normal, but I realised that my feet didn't make my fingers smell like something had died. Furthermore, my feet themselves didn't smell of death and rotting - my sweat no longer reeks like it used to. Now, okay, one time is one time. But since then I have checked a few times and, whilst I still sweat badly on my feet, it certainly appears I smell less. Good. Small, but something noticeable and nice. Plus, a couple of times, I have had tearing up moments listening to songs in EPIC (the musical in my last post). It's not crying yet, but maybe, maybe, that's the HRT doing its thing. I mean, I've not had a repeat of the oddity when journeying that I mentioned early on (so maybe an anomaly). Point being - it's only HRT until something shows it's not.

I did share an image with someone over discord (to prove a point about something we were chatting about) and they assumed I'd been on HRT longer than the five months I have been. Mind you, they had seen no 'before' images so... You know, I don't think I have a side-by-side comparison... And now I have. 11 June 2021 to now... 14 June 2025:

The framing of each shot is slightly different despite my best efforts, and there are more chins in the later image (on the right, obvs), and I'm also not wearing any make up today because I had a meeting for the day and haven't been outside (except to throw away some potatoes that had gone full eldritch WHERE'S THE SOIL on me in the cupboard). I dunno, is that helpful? I do seem to be taking less photos now than, say, that spate in 2021-3.

Also, downsized on neck adornments, initially brilliant, made neck hurt. Have temporarily reverted to initial purchase. Makes sense, going to take time to get used to the new regime. At £40 rather than £70 I did accelerate existing plans to do so as I had originally intended to make that move in August. Did clear me out of the last slush fund monies I had from the holiday though. No bad thing.