This is very much my blog, so don't be surprised if this doesn't follow accepted patterns and norms. It is a place where I can be honest and I appreciate that. Here, I splurge. No one comes out looking good. It is a selfish place written by a pretty selfish person. It is a place of ranting and I am, ultimately, an unreliable narrator. Bear that in mind. I attempt to be honest, but things are very much from my point of view.
Highly subjective views of people in my life proliferate. It will deal with many things and new readers would do well to check out the "Story So Far" Page above. I can also heartily recommend that Dysphoria link if you're questioning or interested. Thank you!
Benjamin Zephaniah's poem to Moby's pounding loop samples has been a theme of late and it got me thinking, as music often does, about where I am and what I am doing. Hints abound, but I have still yet to actually put on here the full details of my life these days, it'll come, probably in this post actually 🤔Anyway, point is that it's been a while since I last posted and, well, I stay busy! And, apparently, I keep learning new things about myself and then having to parse them in real time.
Where is your beauty? Where is your fear?
I am learning, increasingly, that I want to support people. That supporting certain people is very much what gives me life. My children are distant now, my grandparents all dead as of last week, my parents physically distant and difficult to reach. When I had my week off, when I visited my Sister, my children were also away with Tilly. Once back I have not yet seen them, and won't for a while yet either. Their lives turn and change, and develop, without me. I have very little input, very little chance of input, very little involvement these days. Supporting them is something I used to do. Like teach. Like be a Form Tutor. Like be a partner. Like be a Good Child. Like serve a career and calling.
Signalling a change of direction...
Where is your anger? Where is your career? Where is your joy? Where is your dread?
And, in my life, I find that I cannot support as much as I would like. I am learning to deal with the idea that people I love will fail and will be hurt. That people I care about will not always be in a position where I am able to help, let alone effect anything useful or positive. I mean, I always knew this, I have some walls, but I am learning to survive without those walls and still watch on. I am learning that there are depths of love that I had not known were within me, and that love can hurt as well as heal. And how to manage that. Always something I have known, but learning anew. I am being vague again. Hmm.
Where is your passion? Where is your head?
Okay, let's rip this plaster off, eh? You are hereby warned - TMI is coming. Look away now. Video, final warning and then let's investigate this passion and where my head's at.
My life is perfectly normal and not at all TMI these days. Of course. So, far from having nothing to talk about, I am struggling with how to talk about it on here - which remains my place to be true and honest. Fully. So, let's start with some headlines, I guess, and then the details can be hidden beyond a line break? Or at least warned about for people that don't wanna have that all up in their faces? Small mercies.
It me 😳🫣
The Boudoir photo shoot. Yeah, no, that happened on Tuesday and... I went in not expecting much. It was a favour to Abbi that I went and, also, to see what it was like. I fully expected to walk in, be utterly overwhelmed and then scry through what they managed to take to find the one that was least worst, and safe for work, and then frame it and send it to my Mum who has been badgering me for an up to date photo. Boom, baby, nice face shot in make up under studio lighting. The rest? The rest I expected to look like... well, not great, you know? Maybe have a bit of fun, maybe not. Enjoy the free lunch, have a lovely chat with Abbi, leave.
However. That wasn't how it went. I let the make up artist do her thing, and she was stoked to have that freedom and permission to do what worked, genuinely, and she went in directions I honestly did not see coming. Then the photo shoot - and that was more what I expected, to be honest, lots of being told how to pose and false sounding compliments. Not cos the lady was mean, but because professionalism - game recognises game. When it came to the viewing I had to decide black and white or colour for each shot and... I was sold. No hard sell, nor soft sell, was required. I didn't expect to be presented with what I was presented with. Images will adorn this post. I even got one for my wall printed off.
I got a picture of me for my wall.
Dramatic lighting! Still me 🫣😬
Before that I also seem to have taken on another Little on the Discord server thing I'm on. I say 'taken on' - that's not entirely true. I am the New Thing at the moment cos of how much I'm helping out with Little Sis and so that generated a fair bit of attention. And, well... I also contacted my tutor and restarted that whole shebang. Been a bit of a busy week though, so I shan't get round to that til tomorrow now for reasons I'll get to in a moment. Anyway, Little Sis and I had a live video call (hard to explain, trust me, it makes sense) which was brilliant fun on the Sunday last - we wrote lines. That's it. And had a blast.
Hmm, running up against self imposed walls.
I also went to visit her yesterday on a day trip and it was so good. Brilliant. I was, again, not prepared for just how powerful it would be to be there again in person, to just... I dunno, to be sisters I guess and be able to hang out together. We went for a walk, we had a picnic, giggled like loons and waded through mud a number of times. We sat on a bench to eat food, have a can of gin each to toast Mummy in spirit with spirits, and then looked at the time and realised we'd been out for five hours and we ought to probably head back to hers for an evening meal. It was wonderful. I got to see a fun bookshop, mooch round her local B&M, cause a future stir where she works by turning up and being trans, and pick up a parcel with her before meeting the boyf and making a packed lunch for the picnic. She took me on one of her favourite local walks in the glorious sunshine and at literally no point did either of us run out of things to say nor have to force the conversation. Neither of us took over either. It was just... wonderful.
I guess that's the headlines? 🤔 Yeah.
If you don't wanna know more than that, and I can totes see why you wouldn't, here's your warning. Apparently my 'line break' does nothing. So, instead: here's a warning, I'll pop a music video below and then give the final warnings before going full TMI.
And now the obligatory warnings. This is gonna go so much more TMI than any previous post in this here blog. You are hereby warned that you may not wish to see that. You may not wish to know.
