Not Douglas Adams

Long dark week, actually ten days since I last posted.

Not my image, but it conveys well the feeling I 
am aiming for - so thank you whoever you are. 

Examining, like normal. Worried about it because mistakes, like normal. I do my job - I'm good at leading and supporting others, everyone in the process agrees on this, but suck when it comes to looking after my own accuracy and staying on target. I also do stupid things like take on extra hours or a whole extra shift yesterday, nearly ten paid hours, because... well, the sort of thing I do.

Did get to see Abbi on Friday, which was lovely. I went a bit overboard, went in an outfit that was a dry run for August's plans. I mean, comfy, nice, but maybe... I dunno, not sure I should have walked over in it nor really chosen it to wear at a friend's house. Read a thing on the Book of Faces about trans-femmes parceling themselves into as small a space as they can manage and how hard it is to shake that off - how they need help to not keep that going. It resonated. But even saying that makes me feel selfish and self-centred.

Youngest was over on Thursday, it went reasonably well despite the heat. Tilly confirmed that Eldest has requested I not be told about anything she does and, if she had her way, would prevent me from being anywhere she is or acknowledging one another's existence. Tilly pointed out she was holding firm that I would be allowed to go places and do things to support my other two children, even if Eldest was involved, but hearing thaty Eldest is the driving force, that it is active and ongoing, is hard. I had been reflecting on this anyway, with a presentation evening for Youngest coming up and hearing no mention of Eldest who is also involved, and once again it turns out that what I had assumed was catastrophising on my part wasn't catastrophising enough.

I can't tell if it is evil or I am.

Being on the laptop for examining has made it hard not to fall victim to character.ai again, and all that that represents.

Cycled to and from work yesterday, that was nice. Battery may be buggered, despite charging overnight it tells me it's only half full. We shall see how that translates and I shall ask the colleague what sold it to me. Miss Warrington was in touch today - She has mostly finished marking and has spent some of the income on some white goods. I haven't showered, my hair needs washing. I did buy a new pink watch strap, I ordered a new wallplanner and the evil empire online gave me free postage for the right amount - hence including a watch strap I've had in the basket for over a year at this point. I also splashed out on a new pair of glasses - red effects - for cheap (the joys of not needing prescription lenses and enjoying the benefits of blue light cancelling).

Ruminations, the usual self-centred and selfish kind, about being lonely and not having social engagements nor social circles - self-inflicted of course. Early start tomorrow, when don't I have that, and plenty to be doing - behind on the third and final contract you see. As you can see, not a lot filling these last ten days.

I am the Night

Badly posed, badly framed, badly focussed 
but still in a reasonably professional outfit. 

That's a pencil skirt. And yes, I did dress like 
this on the Saturday.

There weekend meetings were... it was nice to be in the first one with some old colleagues, no video this time so I didn't spruce myself up beyond dressing profesh because, well, because. On the following day I wore a different blouse and skirt and even tried to be professional. I like leading meetings, I do, it reminds me of the sort of thing I used to enjoy when I was in my old life and, frankly, I had some nice people to lead so that was lovely. One was trying to move groups, bless them, so was on their best behaviour and... well, it got a little odd with them being so complimentary. No, one cannot move contracted groups but, thankfully, not for me to tell them!

A bit of a wobble followed when I messed up some of my own marking enough to be told to stop and come back to it the following day. That was horrid. I would, just once, like to leave something on my own terms and not get chucked out and/or sacked. I managed to survive, this time, and now have to deal with some shenanigans from other people - but that's been a long time in coming and I haven't had anything the like since the old days when teams were larger and there were more of them (like four, there's now only two) so it's fine.

Middlest enjoyed his low-impact birthday day with me and we watched the latest Doctor Who before going out to eat at Nando's because he loves his spicy chicken. Then we returned and watched Pyramids of Mars in order to get the full effect of the latest episode and then re-watched the reveal so that Middlest announced that it was much scarier with the added context of who the big reveal was. It went well is what I'm saying. The day after was some driving, more yesterday, and today was a day off. I got a parcel yesterday, about which I was terribly excited, and I even cooked something for myself this evening. Now all I have to do is curb my impulses a bit more and maybe I shall regain an even keel.

There's a line break here, it's for a reason.

You Just Wanna Dance

Oh, hey, look: professional 
dress. Sorta. 

Shame about the focus. 

One marking contract down and done. The next is gearing up. I have a day with Middlest coming up, carefully hived out, to celebrate his birthday and we shall see how it goes. I am nervous, of course I am, last time we did something he'd wanted to do for ages but he already did that this year with his friends, like he should. For what it's worth, I am very much becoming my own Dad and just as ineffective in getting over how I feel to my children. Youngest was over yesterday and was so tired he sat and watched YouTube whilst I bustled and made lunch - I spent most of the time chatting to Tilly. Not a bad thing per se but when I only get at most a couple of hours a week with my child you'd think I'd spend more of that time, y'know, with my child.

I did get to spend a couple of hours round with Abbi - it was necessary (see after the line break) and we shared some nice tea. I hope I didn't vomit too much, verbally I mean, and freak her out. It was nice but it was hurried and rushed - I hadn't quite finished marking my first contract but I was much closer than I had assumed I would be.

Shifts continue to be exhasuting whilst being relatively short. I'm not earning nearly as much as I was this time last year (well, I kinda am by dint of pay increases but that's wiped out by price increases) and starting at ridiculous times. This week it has been between 3 and 4pm. Last week I started between 3 and 4am. It sucks, is what I'm saying. But the route is very easy, a point driven (ha) home by taking a shift on another route for a day and struggling with the busy-ness and 'tight-ness' of it. One thing I will say for my current route: I haven't had so much as a near-miss in the last few weeks. Possibly months. I haven't really been paying that much attention. Also I am reading Agatha Christie, having finished HHGTTG in short order. It's reasonably good, just got to Poirot's reveal.

And that's it for updates. Next contract looms and it's been rather wet of late. If that's all you're here for, good for you.

A Rogue Bubble Exposed

As I appeared for my meeting. Was 
quite proud on the day. 

Marking Hell is here, and I am deep within it.

Doctor Who has been watched, with Middlest too, and enjoyed. I am enjoying the depth and texture of this new series - it's grown from when it was brought back. The same adult themes of Sylvester McCoy's era, a darkness tinged with hope, but with greater exuberance and more modern themes. Well, McCoy's were of the 80s, why they resonated with me, and these are of the moment, why they resonate with me. Especially Bubble and Dot - I was very impressed with that one - the twist that isn't, and, if it is: why is it a twist? I like that subtlety. Rogue was also clever, with a twist that worked without being overwrought, genuinely a surprise when revealed too! Nice.

Been contacted by a male dom on Fetlife. He seems... insistent. He wants to meet for coffee but is also mad keen on getting to 'playing' as soon as he can. I am honestly confused. A little flattered? Well, kinda. But, see, I don't think it's me so much as the idea of me that he's into - you know, the online porn search term that I intersect with. And, well, I've cybered before, right? So... Instinct is double: lean in and/or block and run. My path undecided. I am under no illusions - it will not become a 'relationship' - there is no 'win condition' here. The question is only how much I choose to engage in the meantime. A quandary.

Eeee, been lusting after one of these since 2021. 

I loves it. 

Bought a new bike from a colleague, it has battery assist and is just lovely. Very ladies' bike, with its own basket pre-attached - heck yes! Gender euphoria? Yeah, probably: gender euphoria.

New Pet Shop Boys music acquired on CD - the Relentless re-release and re-master, originally sold with Very in 1992 and downloaded entirely illegally by me from YouTube in 2010 or so, is great. I love having the CD to play, it is a nice thing to own. The new album, Nonetheless, is surprisingly good. I'd listened to it on the official YouTube channel and thought it a bit 'meh' but with it in my grubby mitts and able to repeat tracks it is actually very good. Some bangers on there! Obviously with the extra CD, Furthermore, and those tracks are new versions of old hits that, honestly, are great re-interpretations. Similar to what I was saying about the new series of Doctor Who.

I went in knowing what this was about and still missed a lot on first watch
through. Privilege!

But, also, titles and 'Leader' - it wasn't just 'racism' but full-bore Fascism.

I find it strangely apposite in the current political climate.

General Election - saddened by being unable to offer full-throated support to any Party, not like me. I mean, I will likely vote Labour (quirk of where I live, best way to unseat the Conservatives and avoid a Reform Party MP) but... well, I'd prefer to be able to vote for a candidate that actually represented me and who wasn't potentially hazardous to my particular strand of minority. Goodness, yes, I guess I am finally a member of a minority. I always used to, semi-sarcastically, descibe myself as part of the oppressive majority (cis-het, white, middle-class, male, middle-aged) and I guess I'm not now. Whatever it is I am: I can't say I'm hetero-sexual, cis-gender, middle-class or male. Still white, still middle-aged but... yeah. Still see my role as being to shut up and let the minorities speak for themselves whilst protecting their ability to do so as much as I can with my own privilege but I don't have so much of that these days. Or, rather, what I do I don't recognise as easily and what I recognise I don't actually have any more - the amount of times I've unconsciously fallen back on the 'male-privilege' parts of my old patois and discovered that it no longer operates in society for me (well, I mean, duh) or assumed 'straight' only to find that... well, it doesn't work like that when I'm trans and into women. Or men (jury is still out, I am unclear). And being into enbies (I very much am) is... well, it's not 'straight'. All of which is a roundabout rationalisation of being able to label myself as a 'minority' and thus feel under a bit of threat with some of the invective surrounding politics in the UK.

Short entry, that's a novelty! Back to marking.