Blink and you miss it

My life is very busy and very full, and I say this not as a complaint, merely an observation. You wouldn't think so to read this place lately, seems I haven't been saying much, but I do have a lot going on and it's hard, even on my weeks off, to have the time to think through things enough to chat about them here. I like to think, to flatter myself a bit, that when I post here I have something that is worthy to share in part because I have turned it over a few times and have some half-formed ideas.

So, what has happened since my last set of utterances? Everything and nothing.

I also bought me some actual new clothes 
again. This time a t-shirt and dungaree 
dress. I may quite like the style. Shush. 

Gary and his boys were down my end of the country, I took them to an ill-advised eatery in a local urban conurbation that was over priced and a bit tat. Conversation was sort of semi had. Because my news, what had me excited, was a surprise visit to see my Little Sis on the previous day. I had noted she was lone working and that trains were reasonably cheap and regular and taken advantage. I live blogged my progress to Mummy and tried to be to far too clever in getting photos for a putative treasure trail I was hoping to set up for Sis to do on a day off at random in the future. As it was, Sis was struggling and needed intervention, because she knew I was off, she asked me for help and I was still bimbling around uselessly in the centre of her town. After setting things up for a 'proper call when I had signal' I caught a bus and got to her place of work as quickly as I could. I misjudged what her look of surprise would be like and so simply got her face buffering like an internet browser on a dodgy connection as I walked into the shop. I was able to hang out with her for a bit before she actually closed the shop for a break like she's supposed to and had some actual food for lunch and a bit of time to help her focus in the back room. Then I took on a shift like a volunteer to help out and help her stay focussed on what she needed to do with chat and the occasional eyebrow. By the end of her shift she needed a bit more time to focus and then took me home to provide me with food. In short, it was lovely.

I had a very mad green beer on Saturday.
Pay no attention to the awful hair.

The following day I was a bit tired, if I'm honest, but managed to get out to meet Gary and his children and then, the following day, I took Middlest to join Gary and his children at a place where lead and plastic minis could fight and we could all marvel at huge dioramas and painting prowess. The children raced on ahead and enjoyed themselves mostly independently, whilst Gary showed excellent parenting skills in relating the background of the exhibits and why we should care what was on display. It was so effective it helped me too! We had a lovely lunch together and then they all played some actual games and had loads of fun. And me? I enjoyed being able to watch them all having fun - running for drinks and just joining in the banter and enjoying the general silliness of the system and the way the models interact. I'm not good at playing the game because I get very invested and autistic rage rises quickly when I make mistakes or the rules don't accommodate my wishes in terms of movement and fluidity (which is fair, I get weird). I am bad loser, well, that's what my parents told me enough that I have no better vocabulary to describe my issues playing games. Watching others removes that pressure and allows me to enjoy things more. I never claimed to be normal. It went really well and we were able to end on a high.

My supplies packed to see Sis.
Note Smol Bear, my birthday addition,
who came with me.

Then it was two days of preparation to go and see Sis again, no surprise this time, to celebrate her birthday. I had a treasure trail supplied by my Mum for her hometown and we were able to carry it out effectively. She seemed to really enjoy it and we settled easily enough into our dynamic before finishing with a packed birthday picnic I'd taken, even if we failed to light the candle I'd bought for the occasion, and then mooch round some shops that Sis wanted to go to together. We finished with a bus ride to her place and a tea provided for us by her boyfriend. We then retired to watch Encanto and do some colouring in. Alas, I got autistically involved in my phone for a spell and forgot to actually, you know, interact in person with someone who was right there. I'd done the same at the meal before gaming earlier in the week. I suck sometimes. One of my big issues is getting too involved with the people in my phone, as previously discussed.

The weekend was filled with watching Sis live-cast her actual birthday celebrations and feeling pretty lonely, truth be told. It started to get hot and I crashed on the Sunday completely, only functioing properly on the following day and even then not at full capacity. Nor today. I failed completely to get any writing done, even blogging fell by the wayside amid my brain just refusing to fully engage. Both Bro and Sis are visiting this weekend to attend an Event together and that's going to be different. Sis has stopped over a few magical occasions, but this will be the first time Bro has joined us. Does mean that I have some significant tidying and cleaning to do. Won't be hard once I get going, I've already bottomed the house properly, so things just need dealing with rather than starting from scratch.

Smol Bear accompanied me on the surprise visit too.
Here she shows me a fountain and some stepping
stones.

On top of all of this, Mummy has once again had to disappear due to issues at her end. I feel awful because they carry echoes of my own past. Because it honestly reads like it rhymes and I know how that journey can feel. Even if I cannot accurately predict where it may go or whither it may lead. It happened after the surprise visit to Sis but before the birthday one. We shall see when and how it ends this time. And I worry about her. For her. Abbi is also feeling the burn at the moment, which concerns me too because, again, there is nothing I can do to help in any meaningful way. But I do what I can and support those I can.

Discussion with Gary showed that there is a limit to what he can take from me about my hyperspecific interests and my parents were always ill equipped to deal with me in terms of support too. How can my Dad support a trans-daughter when both he and his wife think I'm faking it for some ill-defined reasons and refuse to refer to me by name to family or friends? How can my Mum offer any support when she barely understands my having a Sis, much less a Mummy, and insists on trying to quantify my spending and compare it to what is being spent on me by them (this is impossible, and not how human relationships work)? All of which is to point out that, well, it's hard to know who to turn to for the ability to ramble. Like, nearly everything I can chat to Sis about, but there are limits.

Touching Base

Too many chins and forehead creases, 
but we live. 

I have had some days off work. Just rest days, but together, which is unusual. Been a long time since I had such a thing without some attendant worries or plans. I also ordered large amounts of Beano annuals and even some comics. And I have had a very gentle time of it. Not done a great deal but it has been with some purpose and I have managed to do some things usefully.

I have read a lot of Beano annuals and a couple of Beano comics too. It's been lovely. Work was busy, not a lot of time outside of it, but I managed to see Middlest a bit. We watched Cloverfield and then some Scrubs and it went down reasonably well. We even managed a wander down to the canal for a walk and to do some shopping for foods. I bought and have now gained a new TV unit - only taken since 2021 - and that's nice. I have sorted one part of my plans for the visit to see little Sis in a fortnight. There's much more to do yet and I seem to have fallen into character.ai and DA again lately, which is no good thing.

Why?

Heeeeee!

Simple: Mummy has been busy, Sis has been distant. I have had much less interaction and so have felt lonelier. I have enjoyed being able to be in on stuff with Sis since... well, since last year. I get it, I kinda know what's been going off, and I understand and appreciate the urge to avoid dragging others down, others being me, but, at the same time... I'm a strange fish. I'd sooner be dragged down, I guess, than protected.

That's been it, really. Two days off to be gentle, to wrestle with old addictions, and to have some wine on the Wednesday night and a later-than-planned trip to my favourite local pub for a brace of halves last night. Things picked up this evening, certain structural determinants became clearer and Sis was thus back in contact. I'll confess that this alone has improved my mood, and that was before the reason for the return of contact became blindingly obvious.

So... back to work tomorrow. Off again on Friday. Visiting Sis the following week. Lots to do.

Reasons

Headlines on the week since my birthday:

The dress I bought. Ten whole pounds. 

I failed to get my yards sorted, got someone to come and make an estimate but then missed them coming over somehow, not sure how, and so that's not happening, back to the drawing board. I did get a new dress I'd seen for a few weeks in a charity shop window and it did fit and look passable according to Mummy and Sis, so it'll pass muster. I wrote up the report on my birthday - sounds awfully formal - I was just aware that when I blogged it there was much that, necessarily, stayed unsaid and untyped. I wanted to put it all down somewhere. Maybe it will one day turn up on here, maybe not. I still struggle sharing all of that aspect of myself on here and I rather suspect that some readers are glad of it.

Shifts continue to be what they are. I continue to do nothing about it. Too busy to review my CV and letter, despite saying I would three weeks ago.

Been feeling a bit more 'Little' the last few days. A combination of deciding to wear my summer dress school uniform on my day off after a successful trip to get that dress and gather a bunch of Dandy annuals at a pound a pop from my youth that I doubt I'll ever see again. Got some of my old Beano ones coming from the matrimonial home at some point, hopefully. Maybe. Who knows? Not I.

But all of this comes at a cost.

No line break, they seem to do nothing, but a warning. I'm going to go full TMI.

Come to me, with all your subtext and fantasy - just do that thing that you do in a perverse hue. Lover's kites are flown on beaches for public sight. The colour palette you choose can profit you.

There's been less contact of late from Sis on discord. Today my brain decided to go full assassin mode. It reminded me of the time in the Big City centre one night. Where I lost it. Where everything got too much. Where I acted out. It reminded me of how poor a parent I have been from the start because I never wanted to be one. Because I never stepped up and acted as the responsible adult and get on with things. Rather I continually hid and ran away from things and didn't deal with my frustrations effectively.

I took audio of my eldest getting frustrated and sat out of being effective. I took video of middlest playing as a child when I was unable to muster the ability to do anything and it still views as one of the worst things I can imagine, because in it I simply don't react. I was depressed, I know that, I was unable to react. But the disappointment of Middlest transmits itself across the years. What right have I to expect anything from my children when they had so little from me when it mattered? When I was there to offer anything at all I gave nothing. I had nothing to give, perhaps, but they were unable to know. All I did was seed insecurity and doubt and trauma. I gave them something, all right, and it stank.

I lose people. It's what I do. This blog is littered with the names of people that have been in my life and faded or bowed out. I do that. Getting attention is, apparently, easy. Maintaining it is the rub. That's where I fail. Always been able to do he grand gesture, never been able to do the day to day.

So why should I expect anything from Sis now? I cannot offer her anything of what she needs. I am no more 'fixed' now than I have ever been. She's not a child, not my child, but she is in need of more than I can reasonably offer. And what can I reasonably offer anyway? A house that is materially damaged and a brain that can't organise getting it fixed. A job that robs me of regular sleep patterns and most of my waking hours. How can I possibly make that a positive for anyone? Why would anyone want to share that sort of life? I don't want to and I'm living it.

Could try to sell you out or I could tell you all the reasons why my Artpop could mean anything. We could, we could belong together (Artpop), we could, we could belong together (Artpop), we could, could belong together (Artpop, Artpop, Artpop).

Free my mind, Artpop, you make my heart stop.

Attention has been bestowed and I was grateful. Then more was given elsewhere and I was jealous again. Never enough, of course, never enough. More than I deserve. And I hate it when I'm like this. It makes no sense. It has no logic to it. The Theatre of Reassurance - like a ring of fire engines tackling a wild fire - they can't stop it, they can't quell it, but the appearance is everything. If they were not there people would complain, would call and call and snarl up phone lines. Wildfires are stopped when material is burned, when significant rainfall quenches the conflagration. In the meantime there is but theatre. Absurd. Humans are idiots. Illogical and persistent. And my autism is inflamed.

And as I sit and type these words and listen to Artpop I find myself pricking with tears. Enough.

Birthdays

Sometimes the best way to start a post is just to start it and get on with what you want to say.

One of my presents from Sis. 

It is perhaps the most special of them 
all. 

My birthday happened. It came and it went. And I knew that Abbi and Sis were coming to help me celebrate it but I had not got times of arrival and leaving from Sis, which is highly unusual. So, when I got a message at the end of my shift the day before she was due telling me I needed to get in touch I knew something was up. Turns out she had hoped to get to my house, she has a key, earlier on and surprise me by doing some cleaning (the minx) and then have time together. Unfortunately, for her, she got trapped by the heatwave and buckling rails. However, this was perfect for me, I had the opportunity to go and meet her off the train and walk home with her in tow. I could help her with her bags, avoid having her clean and just have time being sisters. It was wonderful.

I got all flustered trying to sort out where she would sleep - I hadn't planned that far ahead assuming it was a day visit - because of the heatwave aforementioned. Her usual spot on the top bunk was out as far too hot. In the end we resolved it to both of our satisfaction and had a lovely sleepover. Come morning I was able to supply breakfast, again unplanned, in the form of my usual granola with yoghurt and fresh blueberries, and we sat in companionable contemplation chatting and texting Mummy. I managed to shower without a huge flid-fit this time and then found that Sis had decorated my living room for my birthday. She got video of my genuine surprise and happiness, sending it to Abbi and Mummy - the former confirming that she'd never seen me look so happy - and then we had a good giggle together as I opened presents.

My representation of Mummy in craft form.

Yes, I know. No, I don't care.

Sis and I then attended to some other matters, like getting her hair washed and brushed; getting her dressed and sorted for the day and then I gathered lunch together in time for Abbi to join us. We watched some My Little Pony and the Trolls movie (the sing a long one, not the horror film from Finland) and coloured some craft items and then ate lunch and then coloured some more. Just sharing space and company and being happy. It was glorious. I loved it. I haven't had as happy a birthday for long enough that this seemed very unusual indeed, very different, very special. Then Abbi had to go and Sis and I spent some more time just being together. No pressure. No need to do anything, just enjoying the moments. And Mummy, although not physically there, was very much there in spirit as we both of us kept in contact.

We finished with some more matters to attend to, then I helped her pack and walked her to the station in plenty of time for her train. We hugged. She left. I did my cutomary run alongside the train as it gathered speed, making her blush more than ever and hide her face as she giggled.

And I lived off the high for the next day at work. Yes, my house felt extra empty. I said it last time, but it's true. When Sis and Abbi are over I actually want to decorate and tidy up. I want to make the place more comfortable. I want to get proper furniture, sort the yards out. Like when my children would visit regularly. And when Sis has gone I feel the house return to being a house, to fade from the warmth and colour of having Sis in it. Of having home bloom and grow in her joy and guileless good humour, her happiness, her trust and feelings of safety. Well, there's a post.

Tempus Fugit

Tuesday was wonderful this week.

Posh togs for the day! 

I know, right? Been ages. 

Little Sis was unexpectedly able to visit and so she came over. I had arranged for some new friends to join us too and was super excited. Sis arrived early and we assumed company was arriving midday so got on with things we couldn't so very well do if I was entertaining, just cos timings as much as anything else, but company arrived early. Sis and I finished what we were doing, but were absent a good 45 minutes, and then I tried to get things back on track. I do not feel like it went to my new friends' tastes and we rapidly ended up split into two bubbles. Food did not help matters, they had not been able to check the menu I sent in advance and I assumed they had. I slipped up, big time, and then things spiralled. They left, I thought still happy but trying to hit another appointment, and would later learn that that had not been the case. They are now... not friends, not new friends. But, that has now been firmly put to bed, there's nothing more I can do.

But Abbi then turned up and the three of us, Sis, Abbi and I, had a lovely time watching Nimona and Matilda: the musical and ordering Chinese food and just being in the same room. It was truly, truly glorious. I felt genuinely blessed and happy and home. I wish I could wax more lyrical, go into more depth and detail (and I no doubt could) but the main fact, the important thing, is just how lovely it all was. How natural. How warm. How comfortable. For all of us. Living in the moments. The afternoon flew by but felt like it was forever. Abbi went home. Sis and I stayed together a bit longer before I walked her to her train home, that we didn't miss this time, and it was just a lovely, lovely time. The house felt... feels empty without her and Abbi. Without that warmth and love and companionship. When they were both there... when it was just Sis and I... that was home. Truly. More than I've ever known. And, as regular readers will know, I have felt home a few times. Honestly, the high of this afternoon is still felt. It is a series of wonderful happy memories that won't quickly fade. Added to others of a similar calibre: Easter, the day trip to see Sis, Easter LLI, June LLI, February weekend, Sis stopping overnight... And more to come.

Got a bit stressed if this damage to my
thumb from picking is anything to go by.

I then had the appeal the day after. Short meeting. Hour or so walk there, about five minutes, wait for Union Rep to leave meeting (40 mins) and then about an hour or so walk back. Got some marking done. Middlest was over the day afterwards. We had a walk, watched Nimona (I seem to be doing that a lot, keeps making me cry), and they enjoyed it and remarked how on the nose it was to their experience and how much they seemed to have missed when they saw it. Then, as I prepared food, I learned the appeal had been successful and that I have my job back. This is good news, if entirely unexpected, it meant starting work at 0310 the following day! Bit of a change of plans, to be honest.

Yesterday I went back to work, took on extra hours like an eejit, failed to use the time wisely afterward, went to see the new Minions film (don't) with my youngest and then flopped home. Yes, the whole time was just the film, no extra. To give an indication of how long it's been, I got my only father's day card at this point. It was nice to spend even a little time with Youngest, even if he had a mini strop (again) as we walked home.

Back on at work today. Plenty to do. One drawback of living in the moment is that, sometimes, the moments aren't that interesting. Makes the times they are really stand out though.

With mah hands above mah head

Every evening when the sun goes down I sit here in my room

Sis brought Kinder Surprise Eggs. 

It transpired as predicted. And I was relatively okay with it all. Did some examining, did some e-mailing of various people. Even managed a walk out to have free coffee at IKEA. I was, in fact, reasonably chipper. I started getting in contact with friends, planning activities for today, leaning into having some actual time to recentre and recouperate. I chatted to Mummy and Bear, felt reasonably confident that I could actaully make some difference and rebuild.

And the lamplight shining on me projects my lonely gloom

When I got home there was a DVD waiting that I'd ordered ages ago of Nimona. If you haven't watched it, and you're reading this, you probably should. The graphic novel was brilliant, is brilliant, but the film takes a slightly different set of beats to tell mostly the same story with a very different emphasis. And that makes it brilliant in a different way. Whereas the novel is an exploration in identity and searching and finding answers, the film is a deep dive into the consequences of having found oneself and what that means. Both are masterpieces. Anyway, I was looking forward to watching it and having some time.

My counterpart in agony mocks each tear that falls

Go. Watch it.

I also ended up somehow sparking contact with someone else in the kink world and was enjoying that too. But, then, things took a turn. I realised I was failing to look after Sis. Like, I was trying, but having no effect. New person, whom I had helped introduce to her, was having a much greater and much more positive effect. I got to questioning what I can achieve. How much difference I actually make. It was not a positive analysis that followed. Compounded by the Statesian Little also having a wobble and also moving toward the newbie. I withdrew, watched quietly from afar, did my dark calculus.

And I cast a lonesome shadow on these lost and lonely walls

Reader, this was drop from the Event on Sunday.

He's always by side at night no matter where I go

So it is that I feel a tad light headed and dizzy today. Trying to maintain hydration, but really not used to the heat and humidity. I had a couple of anchor points today - a call to make and a walk to deliver my appeal form in person. Both of which passed off without too much of a hitch during this horrid heatwave.

He lurks out in the darkness or in the neon's glow
He follows me across the steps and up and down the halls
And I cast a lonesome shadow on these lonely, lonely walls

And there was Sunday. There was the Event. I shall be honest, it was nice to be able to attend and not have to worry about shifts beforehand, which would have finished in the small hours, and thus arrive early at the railway station to meet Bro and Sis. The day was magical. I was able to put into practice a few things I had noted from previous times and thus take time to enjoy some of the aspects of it more. Some of which it turned out that Sis had also been hankering for more than a little bit. I may have cried in joy and at the cuteness a few times. I may also have seen a few people who seemed to have been activated by the dynamic that Sis and I clearly share. A few people commented as such, in fact.

When you touch me I die just a little inside
I wonder if this could be love, this could be love

When it was done, the three of us wandered and had a meal together at a restaurant and... it was magical. I don't have words. Dynamics aside, it was just lovely. It brought home that, yes, I have a family. I have my People. Reiterated that I need employment cos one day I'm gonna kidnap at least Sis and she's gonna need to be looked after and cared for. Like, I can get her a job, but I wanna give her the time and space to just be herself. Either that or I accept she has to be with someone who can provide that for her.

Cause you're out of this world, galaxy, space and time

Words

Been a bit of a while.

Basically, life has remained busy and I have struggled to find time. First there was the post I really enjoyed writing and may be my best yet "Where is your Pride?" and then there was some really good times. I felt like things were intensifying. And then, as I hinted, Mummy disappeared. We now know why and we have some details. Not much, but enough and enough to know that it was hard. I stepped up, I chose to do so with all my heart. Because I genuinely want to be able to look after Sis and, if I can, provide a support for Mummy. It happened around the same time as I finally took on a Little to help and I take that seriously too. So, for a while there, I had lots on. Lots of emotional labour and little support I could access.

But, honestly, looking after Sis provides me with energy and life. It really does. She came to visit, the day we heard from Mummy again, and it was amazing. I haven't said much about it - we did Easter things. She had a bath. We watched DVDs. It was amazing. Powerful. We went to the Event again on the weekend and that was... magical. I didn't leave her side the whole day practically and... I'm not sure I have the vocabulary to explain. I'm not sure I ever will. I'm not sure words would be enough even if they existed. And, through all of that, I was becoming increasingly valued and trusted by my Little.

I mentioned reading to them both. It really was and is an honour to be able to do that. And I am beginning to understand a bit more about what people get out of this side of things - the being Big and Domme, I guess - which I never used to understand. I'm not sure I can explain it beyond saying that it is way more fulfilling than I had given credit. And so, when Mummy was able to set up a family call at long last, I went in knowing a little better what she was getting from it all and being less... self conscious as a result. I was able to just enjoy the experience and not worry about 'getting it right', if that makes sense.

And so I have had nearly a fortnight of a new routine. Chat on text to my Little and Sis in the evenings, video call or voice chat with my Little on waking for their bedtime; chat and video if time allows to Sis; get ready for work. Work. Video call with Sis in the afternoon. Repeat. Being given a trusted position on the Server has also been interesting. I find that I can listen to more people, provide them some of what they want sometimes and that is also a powerful feeling. There has been some politics and I nearly let myself get sucked in and beaten down but for being reminded why I do what I do and why I have to be in the game and not fighting imaginary demons. Has it been easy? Oh, no, not at all. It has been hard. But I choose to do this. With all my heart.

And that's where I have been all this time. That's what my life has been. And, you know? I love it. I've never felt so free. I continue to be able to be more me. I keep finding new ways to add to that. New ways to be myself. And it's fun. Yeah, it can be hard, but there's so much fun. So much joy.

I want to wax more lyrical, to pontificate further, but I don't actually know what I would say. I am honoured to be able to do what I do, privileged to have the access I do with the Little and Sis and Mummy and the Server that I have made my online home. I've been allowed in by so many people so that I can support and help and... it's like teaching but with stuff that, rightly, would never be allowed in a school or with people too young to give informed consent in the arena in which I find myself. And, in all of this, I find myself sticking to the Little and/or Middle mindset I have talked about before. See, in many ways, I am still that 14 year old whose Dad just left and trying so hard to plug the gaps left for others. This time I am cognisant that the more I do for others, the more I step up and provide the support, the less I am able to access support for myself. It is the nature of things. BUT there is an important caveat. Part of the support I need is, actually, being provided by being able to care for and support Little Sis and the Little. More the former than the latter. The fact that she has let me in to her world. Allowed me to do the things I do. It's empowering. An honour.

And that's it. Not a lot to share but, at the same time, more than I can put into words.

Haircut 5000

Been a bit.

I have gone full whatever the 
heck this look is before my shift 
today. 

Cottagecore lesbian? 

Balloon modeler? 

So, routines re-established, life settles back to it's ongoing pattern. Still think my life is getting more and more strange but, you know what? I think this may be a good thing. I have said before that Him Upstairs seems to have a plan that I have been actively burying for most of my life and this seems to have been thrown into sharp relief with my latest life shenanigans. Somehow, like I said, I kept my job - against the odds, mind you - and that implies that it's where I need to be at the moment. So, I guess I stay there and redouble my efforts to do what needs to be done in it. Honestly, there are worse situations to be in, I suppose, no matter how much I hate the shift patterns and lack of ability to book time off when I want it.

In other arenas my life continues to metastasize and get stranger. The Weekend (capitalisation hereby added for all time) was electric. I discovered parts of myself I suspected but in ways I did not. Little Sis and I emerge with deepened sisterly bonds and an understanding of how we can help each other more. And so it has since proven, I am able to offer more to help her and, I find, that being in that position makes me happier too. Not entirely sure how it all works, if I'm honest: I get the actualite of what is going on, I understand what we're doing on a practical level, but I cannot fathom why it energises me so much. Like, I get what she gets out of the intensification of our lives, totally, but I am struggling to work out why I get so much out of the same. I can't deny that I am but I have no idea how to parse what I'm getting out of it at all.

Shocked look courtesy of my hair.

How?

And there's a photo shoot I booked near New Year lurking on the horizon too. Boudoir shots. Yeah. Hmm. Okay. To that end, and because I burned my hair with a candle by accident on The Weekend (no, I was putting candles round a bath and my hair caught fire), I went for a proper haircut and blowdry today. And... wow! I've never had an experience like it. So, I had my hair washed and conditioned and was chatted to properly, like: in a way that I could get involved in. Then I was given a coffee and watched as literal miracles were done with my hair. Barely a chop, barely anything cut but, somehow, my hair was transformed before my eyes. Then curls were added and... just wow. And a snip (ha) at £40. Amazing! My ghast has never been so flabbered! Okay, the curls are mostly gone already less than a couple of hours later, but she did warn me that my hair seemed pretty heavy and the weather is quite damp.

Mind you, compare the first image on here with the second - they were taken before and after my haircut. You can see why I'm a little shocked, right? Positively shocked, but shocked. I mean, I shall be going back to this salon, it was lovely.

This followed a quick chat with Mummy too, which... yeah, I've missed these last four weeks. Goodness, four weeks! We chat on text mostly and... bit like with Little Sis, I have been forced to face up to the fact that I actually rely on this sort of thing now. That it makes a massive difference to my life and genuinely is something I live for. Along with chatting to Abbi. Also, the whole farrago has reminded me that I can chat to Gary and Tim too. I actually rely on being able to talk to friends these days. I actually chat to friends: over the phone, over text, in real life. Even if Gary has struggled to parse my life of late with regards Sis and Mummy🤭But, in fairness, so have I. Let's be honest - it's an odd thing. Chosen Family, a la Weekes, sure. But hard to explain. 🤷‍♀️ How to properly account for being as active as I am in a kink space without any kind of adult happy fun times playing a role? I can't. Best term I've seen bandied around is that we're all very non-sexual and... yeah, that's all I got.

So, that's what I have for this update. What have we learned? We have learned that I am valued. That I have a friendship network. That who I am is slowly swimming ever more into focus and that I am blessed beyond belief being able to embrace the whole of me in a way that would have been impossible less than five years ago. It's taken some pretty momentous stuff to get me this far, there's more coming too, I know, and it's not for everyone. But I have been very very blessed.

New Year New- Nah

Easily the oldest I've felt since July last 
year. 

Make of that what you will. 

2026 is here, and... it arrived. A lonely Christmas period, alleviated somewhat by a couple of visits from children and contact online with some people, segued into 2026 with only the one issue on New Year's Eve. I was playing around online and was in a bit of a funny mood, truth be told, cos aforementioned loneliness getting to me. I'd had a bit of an early start that day and had been dealing (badly) with the cancellation of plans the day before to meet with a friend. Totally good reasons for them to cancel, by the way, but I was left a bit of a loose end and thus a bit upset. I... went a bit strange and it didn't end terribly well. Leading to a New Year's Day of feeling a bit hollow and sad. This didn't help either because, a couple of days later, I put my foot in it online again. This led to an evening of panic and the overwhelming feeling that I'd lost something big and powerful and wonderful. And, so, Sunday was a day of feeling drained and tired and depressed. Not a great background to having the Middlest stop the night for the first time since July or August.

They were taking a lot of their Warhammer stuff home, cos it's a hyperfocus at the moment and the brief snatches of time they spend at mine simply aren't enough to sate that. Which is entirely fair, I understand. Makes me feel sad all the same. We watched the latter two films of the Matrix trilogy and they seemed to go down well all round. I, eventually, managed to get out of the pit I'd dug myself online and even had a bit of a play around yesterday morning - an experiment, if you will, and that was... well, I learned what I wanted to learn. And, after work, I was able to indulge a bit in a bit of dress up and have some interaction on the evening. Not complaining.

I've expanded my presence on Deviant Art and on fetlife lately too. Not sure what, if anything, I hope to achieve with this. But, hey, there it is. My Instagram is, I think, just waiting to be pronounced dead and my FaceBook is limited to occasionally poking a friend who pokes me back (we've been at it since 2007ish, but my new account has only been running since 2021ish so... well, longer, but only then did I actually use it). My point? I'm not sure. Discord has certainly become something since July last year and I seem to interact a lot on there at the moment - even accounting for my wobblies lately. Again, not sure what I'm trying to say here, merely recording it for when I get back.

I've been sadly absent from the Blogosphere too. Mainly cos I struggle to focus on things for any length of time. That said, I am still planning a New Year Listings post - this just isn't it.

Catch Up

Psst, I'm still here.

It's been a while. Um... so... lots happening. In some senses. Not a lot in others. I missed the Chams Christmas fuddle by dint of being at work early the next day. Had a week or so of getting up at 0130 for some reason, and going to bed between 1800 and 1900 in order to compensate. Or the other way around 🤔

Yesterday Abbi was able to visit. Itself after some fraught waiting. She was feeling bruised by that Monday and I had picked up on that at the time but not worked properly or hard enough to fix the issues. Nevertheless, she was able to voice her concerns and I was able to listen and reassure. So she came over. We still didn't manage to play but we did have have fun and plenty of good discussion and exchange Christmas gifts. We ate, we discussed, we shared - it was fun. Connectedly, I have an opportunity for a photo experience and... I think I may use it. A day with a make up artist, a professional dresser and a professional photographer with a complimentary print for £25? I'd be daft not to. Do I dare? I mean... no, I don't. But for £25 I can probably leave that worry at the door. It was nice to eat and chat and actually listen to Abbi. I enjoyed it. ☺️

But I cannot deny that the last however long since the last post has been difficult. Because it has been. My own issues can trigger things in others and those others can then need their own support. But... You know what? I chose to lean in. I chose to have a Little Sister, for example, and my wish to support is naturally flowing from that. If I have gained nothing else from what's been going on in my life in the last few months, then this is more than enough. I would do it all again.

Christmas beckons, as it always does, and I am no fan of the season nor the rushing around. It's like everyone has birthdays on the same day and my executive function simply isn't up to the task of organising it all. So it is that, this year, I am worse off than last but, hopefully, things have arrived more or less on time, even if I have failed miserably to organise parcels and whatnot like I did last year. I can't claim that I have been good at all with gifts this year. But, I am planning now to try and make 2026 a little bit more functional than 2025 has been. Not that this year has been particularly bad, it hasn't, but my organisation has taken a bit of a hit with some pretty positive things going on.

The Christmas season's shifts are awful, truly, so whilst I get plenty of time off (and I can't complain, I do) I am working either side of the main Bank Holidays so I can't go anywhere or do anything. Not that such things were really in the offing anyway, but... Yeah. I did rather mess up the last couple of times I went places for Christmas so another year alone may be for the best. And, like, this year I have learned some new ways to have fun and I intend to use that experience going forward.

Little Boosts

Some things have given little lifts over the last however many weeks, about three I suppose, and I haven't shared them here. They are little joys, little perks and other things that get to play on what, I suppose, isn't that much of an in-joke on here any more.

A truly amazing mug. A little smile every 
time I use it. ☺️ 

They include the mug that Lynn gifted me that I promised photos of and then immeditely forgot to deliver upon despite taking a few at work (none of which survived the switch of phone I undertook) but for the first one - which I suppose is fitting if a tad out of date as back then I was still on the salads (until I left one a bit long before eating and it made itself known. That too has passed, yes, that is a poor pun, thank you for noticing). This mug now gets used for pretty much any and all drinks at work because I love the fact that literally no one there knows why I find it amusing. Along with wearing a ribbon tied round my wrist it is something that helps to remind me why I'm doing the whole positivity thing - because I like the feeling that it stems from and would like that to continue.

In the photo it is being used with some cheap knock-off Pepsi Max because I needed it to function and was attempting to avoid coffee. Not sure why, I think the cola stuff may be worse for me. Anyway, that's the contents. I'm back to warm soups now instead of the salad - the rest of the meal stays the same - and am experimenting with some posh tea I got cheap from a supermarket voucher a while back. Or coffee, because at some point on the recent late shifts I stopped avoiding it again.

Old photo - you can tell because salad.
Oh, don't be fooled, I'd eaten another
slice of that cheese already and a packet
of crisps!

The other thing has been the big cup I got for my birthday. I've enjoyed using it a lot anyway, but then I discovered, quite by chance, that when I used it two-handed it just... I dunno. It felt brilliant. I guess I get to hug myself a little bit with my elbows (still gangly, nowt'll change that) when I drink. I've found myself closing my eyes when I do it and sort of... I dunno, feeling little? I have no rational explanation, no clever analysis, I just like it and so here I list it and show, I think, the main why of it - it seems connected to that whole thing of feeling things more. Equally, as I think I said, Middlest pointed out that it has trans-flag colours so... Abbi bought it because the ears reminded her of when I put my hair into twin-tails or plaits and so, I guess, that's also a little thing? I've coded it as such in my brain at any rate. As I got my first cold of the year (I think?) on Monday I've been using it with warm lemon juice and copious amounts of honey too, which has been a real boon. Highly recommend as a morning drink. And my breakfast has been a breakfast bar, yoghurt and occasional fruit (kiwi and/or small orange thing) so that feels like it's been healthier than a big bowl of Frosties-rip-offs and full fat milk? Maybe, maybe not. I am down to sub 13st though, so maybe? Hard to say.

So, I guess, my drinking habits over the last three weeks or so have certainly provided a bit of littlespace and, with that, an opportunity to recharge.

Yeah, yeah, it's pink and small.

And that's why it works so well.

OH! Just noticed, like, literally now: it's trans colours!
🤭🤭🤭

That cold though and some lack of sleep - long stories - meant that come Tuesday I was feeling very grumpy indeed and my positivity, already faltering, crashed utterly. I got rude at a couple of colleagues posturing on the morning bus to work and was unkind. Very unkind. I also had a malfunction of memory and had to do a cheat and nip back home with the bus (I live almost on the route to the start of where I drive) and pick up some necessary items. Funnily enough it was an unexpected text that snapped me out of it. It really is the little things. Not enough to arrest a feeling of freefall, but enough to jolt me out of the grump and remind me that, no, I am trying to make this little feeling a good thing and use it to feed the rest of my life. So, to try and head off that grump I had already laid in the provisions, in this case a slightly more expensive toothpaste I saw whilst buying a new one (my old was about to run out). Yes yes, laugh all you want, it is literally just pink compared to the blue I usually use. It claims to be better for gums, but I think I know a Pink Tax when I see one. Nevertheless, it is silly little things like this that I suspect I am best relying on. They are easy to do, easy to maintain and very hard to get poisoned or end up being defunct for whatever reason.

There are challenges to my mood. There are worries. There are some quite massive disappointments that I shall no doubt return to soon enough. But, in the meantime, I seem to have maintained a friendship that was new to me, referred to in the last post(?) and I am mostly able to spout the positivity that I was enjoying so much at the end of September even if I'm not quite feeling it as powerfully as I was back then (for a host of reasons, as intimated).

Keeps Out the Enemy

Breaking streaks is never a nice feeling. Nearly two years ruined by an attempted downsize in a heatwave that led to a poor sleep a few days back and I woke unable to move my left shoulder properly nor turn my head. Initially I couldn't move them at all. It's getting better, but waking this morning was accompanied by the same sickly feeling that came from way back when I first donned it and took a couple of weeks of on/off wear to clear. I have thus gone a full day now without either the new or the old and I worry I may have hit a barrier like with the Great Experiment. I hope not, but one can never tell.

A mighty host of Seraphon (Lizardmen), to which 
I have done nothing at all, the work of Middlest. 

Middlest and Youngest were over today for a game of Warhammer. Middlest was struggling: with the heat, with time of life, with existential questions - and so struggled to read and apply the rules. The heat also meant that Youngest was on a hair trigger and struggled to keep invested in the game beyond trying to annoy his sibling. It seemed to work mostly well, I am reasonably pleased that my attempt to make 40K Orks and Gretchin work in a fantasy setting (and create an Orc Mage from whole cloth rules wise) seems to have been balanced enough - even if it did mean that Middlest's gribbly monster basically tanked a fusillade of concentrated gunfire before going down without causing a single casualty (his unit of skinks wiped out the Orc archers before they got in range though).

I have managed one whole contract and done some extra, which is nice. I have mostly kept my head above water on the second, my usual favourite, and am now embroiled in a third that I have been finding harder. Part of that is the bad sleep I've been getting (average is about six hours rather than my usual seven or more) and the neck thing - it's hard to focus when muscle pain makes you feel a bit nauseous. I even had to resort to paracetamol and, well, that's not been my style. Still, not denying that having to resort to it felt strangely affirmational. I am strange, I know.

Youngest's Blood Orc Horde, led by the Death
Mage (for whom I had to make up rules from
scratch, and spells).

I continue to take on board extra hours I shouldn't. I continue to partake in bad habits that I do in marking. I continue to mull on how bad a parent I have been and continue to be. I continue to have strangely vivid dreams about the end of my relationship with Tilly - her being disappointed and saddened for good reasons and the residual emotional fall-out from that. Speaking of, she had confirmed via diagnosis some suspicions she'd had since I moved out. I apologised on her telling me last week for not having put two and two together myself. She accepted my apology, and then moved on. I guess I still hoped for some reciprocity, but I never spent any time setting that up so I can hardly really expect it now. Besides, why would she? What on earth would be the point?

House news: new plaster cracks suggest a drying out of some parts of the house I hadn't known were wet, drainpipes at the rear are detached from the house, leading to one pipe to fall apart so now my bath and sink don't quite drain into the drain and it looks like the toilet and shower pipe might fall down if I don't get that fixed soon. Good thing I'm doing these examination contracts I guess!

Coulda Bin a Contender

I made the mistake of watching a (good) video by Brigette Empire a couple of days ago, with some (necessary but awful, as one would expect) quotes from such luminaries as Matt Walsh (if you don't know, don't look him up). It put me in a bit of a downer, if we're honest. Ms Empire's rage and analysis is well-placed, well-directed, powerful. But my brain, being my brain, fastened on to Walsh's remark. I shall place it at the end, after a line break.

Walking home the other day... Monday? 

It was a bit bright and hot and sweaty. 

I have my Dad's (and his Mum's) eyes... 

Also, my hair is a state!

My new friend came over, I did not die of embarrassment! They were very comfortable, in fact, even if my curry was far too watery and not quite cooked right (it's been a while and I was nervous, is my defence). In case you, too, wish to cook a curry for company: remember to roast the spices without the onions first for about 30s in oil after having browned the onions so you can add the spices afterward with a cup or so of water (not the US measurement, just a guess-timation) then add the meat and brown off and then add the veg and tomatoes and another cup of water or so. Also: drain the rice properly. No, don't leave it to soak up all the water, you want the rice to have enough 'give' in it to soak up some sauce when you place it down as a bed.

As to the other reasons I was getting nervous - I forgot key facts about my visitor that mean that, no, there's nothing to read into in the first place. And, yes, I had forgotten and, yes, that did make me a little... I dunno. I dunno. I mean, I was confused and scared and worried and trying to make sure I didn't inadvertantly upset anyone and hadn't made my own mind up on where, if anywhere, I was thinking of going. But, on remembering (or, rather, being reminded) I did feel a tad... I dunno, disappointed perhaps? I keep banging on about it on here, the idea that maybe, just maybe, I might not be the sort to be loved (I do badly in that situation) but there's still a sense of rawness to have confirmed that, no, people aren't interested in me in that way.

Stage one of Model...

I mean, let's face it, it's fine. I recognise that I am no one's idea of a Good Time. I've been chatting to people online and we've had some fun and larks, but the reminders are there too - conversations reach a natural end point and it's me, as ever, does any running to try and keep things going until they fizzle. Okay, not in a relationship sense, just generally. It's a recurrent theme. I don't help matters: I am very much an intellectual snob; I judge people quite harshly in my head (until I can recognise it and rein that in, and remind myself a. I'm in no position to judge anyone, for any reason and b. why I'm in no position - there are multiple reasons). Anyway, yes, once again I thought I'd maybe made a connection with someone only to find that, no, no I had not. I was just on when they had some spare time is all and no one else was. It was a fun exchange, but I was too hasty to think "Fwend!" It is often the case.

Marking continues. Once contract down as of today. Team Leadering duties begun to be discharged - this took about two hours last night for two(!) phone calls (the reason I have the exclamation mark is that, usually, a phone convo as such I had is about ten to fifteen minutes at most) and about two hours today on the admin side of things. I have another contract due to start on Sunday. I also, stupidly, took on extra hours yesterday - it seemed like a good idea, but it left me with very little effective time at the end of the day and none at the start. Early starts mean early to bed, you see.

Stage two...

New tights have arrived, no, I haven't tried them on because it is too hot and that was nice. Youngest was over - we walked eating burgers from a van at the market (my idea and treat) in the shade of trees on a longer detour (straight home was down the streets in full sun, ugh, no thanks) with Tilly in tow. He painted some more gretchin aand I painted more of a single model I've been painting whilst any spaw- children paint their models. I may even go so far as to - shock horror - make the model of my Duchess and paint her next. Single models seem superior to trying to make an army.

I mean, you can see the photo to the side there, and the splash of black paint on the face, the uneven white on the pantaloons, the pink on the hand, the silver on the belt, the lack of finish in the eyes etc... A single model may be more my style, it doesn't make it good.

In HRT news, I have noted some physical changes have reached the point where adjustments are having to be made. Either that or the heat is causing issues - hard to quantify. The downsizing has had to be put on hold due to the heat (and my incredible neck - it is much wider than one may assume in the heat). My wrist also expands signicantly when hot so... (I have to adjust the watch strap to compensate or else get pins and needles in my hand).

Oh, yeah, the line break is here.

Improvements or Perceptions

I find it strange, but also uplifting, how some things go and get better, big and small. Take, for instance, the fortnight since I last posted as a good example of just how bizarre things can be, certainly in my life.

You can take the teacher out of the classroom... 

I mean, yeah, you can. I was. 

I pulled out of one marking contract because it was infuriating (a lack of helpful feedback) and somehow managed to get glowing reviews on the other one - the one I usually fail at and spiral out of control before getting chucked off. This is marking, by the way, which is what we in the UK do instead of 'grading' (that sort of thing is left to a big meeting of bigwigs drawing lines twixt marks by way of bell curves). I usually screw up the History GCSE paper but this year, apparently, I have nailed it consistently from the beginning. Today's meeting where I'm a TL has been a bit more fraught and, although I'm not proud, some creative obfustications meant it passed largely without incident. I'm even mostly on target with the first contract.

A week of middles and lates (finishing into the following day) at work followed by some very earlies, that is shifts that start before 0430, with extra hours on the Thursday gone (and some extra hours in the previous week too) means I have been burning the candle at both ends and the middle when it comes to driving and marking work. It also means I haven't really been active (see the lack of activity here) nor meeting friends. But, then, a new friend did ask to meet and suggested I cook for them (among other options) - which means they are coming over to my hovel to eat tomorrow. I won't lie: I am bricking it. It took me a fair while to dare invite Abbi over and that was before I had exposed brickwork in the living room and when the house was mostly dusted and hoovered. Speaking of vacuuming, my vacuum's filter is discoloured so that using it emits a smell not unlike human waste when in use. Lovely. Basically, I have to spray air freshener immediately after- I'm digressing. I need to buy a new filter, I know, but I also need to vacuum because visitor(!). Insert the enemy aware noise from Full Metal Gear.

I am also bricking it because... well, visitor. I have to entertain.

Saw my Youngest and Eldest in a dance show. Youngest seemed to be in everything and I was so impressed that he knew all the different routines (even if I could tell he liked the last one best because that's where he deployed his full pasty). Eldest got a solo to Run D.M.C. of all things and nailed it because of course she did, she has considerable talent. It is astonishing to me how obvious that has always been (but I am biased) but now she's getting to display it because she's of an age where things are done more on merit than clique. I mean, she's also in a troupe that prizes enthusiasm over social connection anyway, which I approve. Long trip out, long trip back, spending money I perhaps shouldn't have done. But, eh.

I have noticed some things that I am putting down to HRT over this last fortnight. One day I had my usual itchy foot due to overheating and not changing shoes and I scratched it, as normal, but I realised that my feet didn't make my fingers smell like something had died. Furthermore, my feet themselves didn't smell of death and rotting - my sweat no longer reeks like it used to. Now, okay, one time is one time. But since then I have checked a few times and, whilst I still sweat badly on my feet, it certainly appears I smell less. Good. Small, but something noticeable and nice. Plus, a couple of times, I have had tearing up moments listening to songs in EPIC (the musical in my last post). It's not crying yet, but maybe, maybe, that's the HRT doing its thing. I mean, I've not had a repeat of the oddity when journeying that I mentioned early on (so maybe an anomaly). Point being - it's only HRT until something shows it's not.

I did share an image with someone over discord (to prove a point about something we were chatting about) and they assumed I'd been on HRT longer than the five months I have been. Mind you, they had seen no 'before' images so... You know, I don't think I have a side-by-side comparison... And now I have. 11 June 2021 to now... 14 June 2025:

The framing of each shot is slightly different despite my best efforts, and there are more chins in the later image (on the right, obvs), and I'm also not wearing any make up today because I had a meeting for the day and haven't been outside (except to throw away some potatoes that had gone full eldritch WHERE'S THE SOIL on me in the cupboard). I dunno, is that helpful? I do seem to be taking less photos now than, say, that spate in 2021-3.

Also, downsized on neck adornments, initially brilliant, made neck hurt. Have temporarily reverted to initial purchase. Makes sense, going to take time to get used to the new regime. At £40 rather than £70 I did accelerate existing plans to do so as I had originally intended to make that move in August. Did clear me out of the last slush fund monies I had from the holiday though. No bad thing.

Wouldn't You Like to be Dangerous?

Been listening to a musical a lot - a musical made on TikTok, I am given to believe, that Middlest found on Spotify. I found a version that has full animations (or, rather, an animation for each song) and subtitles specially made (most helpful). I appear to be the last person on the planet to have found it (it's very good) but I shall share the video below that I have been using to watch and listen (it's EPIC - by the way, that's the name of the musical).

Week back at work has gone reasonably well. Worried about having bitten off more than I can chew with too many contracts to mark (a pretty usual worry). However, a different start than usual - I did some practice marking and was told I was good. Then I rushed through my next test scripts for the same lot - relying on gut instinct - in the hope that if I have my usual difficulty I'd have a 'get out' to drop the contract. Alas, an e-mail this morning says I'm passed to mark as there's no need for feedback as my marking is 'excellent'. I mean, lovely, but dammit!

Missed a Friday with my new friend, but a late meeting (8pm) meant that I didn't want to risk going out after that - especially as I had Middlest over today. Discussions there are... vague. Deliberately so on Middlest's part, whilst also trying to be open, making it hard to know how best to support. I have suggested that finding a group or a person with wider experience may be helpful to have other experiences on which to draw. I mean, I have experience, sure, but it's extraordinarily limited and I am not up on the modern terms (which is great! I love that there are new words to describe feelings and ideas that used to take entire paragraphs to convey in the past; I just don't know those that I'm not familiar with - if that makes sense - as I don't seek them out).

I mean, I would, but I am deep in my prehistory hole and so lately I'm learning terms like kerbed cairns and concentric stone circles and, my favourite: Irish Henge. None of which is relevant to my society idea for a story in the future - because that is set earlier than any monuments - but is still something that I find fascinating and I am enjoying. My point? My point is that my new vocab passion is currently dominated by this particular monotropism and so I am less than helpful to a child wanting insight on QUILTBAG+ stuff! It's great that Middlest is pleased to confide in me and discuss things with me but there's a limit to the help I can offer beyond a friendly ear.

Started wearing the bands I bought from LLI daily since doing so in the recent city break (and finding my pink and blue one - trans flag colours - under my bed on returning) and I like that. I am aware that I need to purchase a better fitting collar (it's too big). Also picked up the private prescription HRT and, amazingly, have the NHS to pick up at my pleasure. So, with one bottle remaining of the original grey market purchase remaining I shall have approximately 160 days of three pumps a day (the recommendation from both NHS and private people). Another laser appointment had on Thursday and it feels like more was zapped. Also feels like I have more hair than after the last appointment. I dunno, that could be normal, I can't recall.

And that's all I have to say about that, I guess.

Executive Dysfunction

I have, apparently, lost the ability to dress 
in a professional manner: lines and dots? 

I had worn my "I feel so professional" suit 
at first, but it became apparent that whilst 
I could walk and stand, I was unlikely to get 
away with sitting. 

Oh, this is at a coffee shop nearby the place 
I met my MP. Nice pitstop. Decent lemon 
drizzle cake. I suspect baked on site too. 

Saw my MP today. That's a first and very uncomfortable for me. I went expecting a bit of a battle, but it was as though I was pushing an open door; my MP already knew, was already on my side: having a partner who is an enby, friends and relatives who are trans*. But, alas, it was as though that open door led to a dingy anteroom with flickering lights and a broken heater. My MP is a bankbencher, has seen leadership deal with people stepping out of line and watched as other methods of showing displeasure have achieved nothing. My MP radiated frustration at the system. What else could either of us do? Not much, it would appear.

A Friday repeated, and it was nice. I feel I messed up though - I'm relatively certain there was a point in the evening in which I should have said something and, for some reason, I didn't say it. I was aware of it, but can't explain why I didn't act. Fear? Confusion? Fear. Always fear. On the back of some shenanigans with an online account that seemed a bit fishy at first, but with whom I had a decent chat for a bit the previous day. I was prepared to give them a go, if I'm honest, but then the person typing on that account seemed to change, a shift change maybe, and I wondered anew who is taken in by such things. Mind you, that I noticed means they filtered me out as not the intended target. That this was finalised as I was walking to meet my partner in crime for the evening probably accouonts for some of the fear. And the visit to eat Chinese food - I am most unladylike in portions, style of eating, amount of visits and resultant burps.

£3.75!!!

Bonkers cheap.

An IKEA trip earlier in the week gave me ideas about something better to put my TV on than the health and safety hazard I currently use and also prompted me to finally buy a set of scales for the bathroom. Turns out I am consistently above 13st! I can shift my balance to get it up to 14st too, which is a concern. However, it does explain why my favourite dresses don't fit any more and why most photos are so unflattering - paunch territory. I mean, I can't claim to be fat, but I can definitely claim to be shaped in a way that a lot of the stuff I bought early on does not allow for. It is what it is.

My private prescription for HRT is supposedly in train, they tell me I will get a code on my phone, but it's been a few days and nothing yet. I shall chase next week I guess. Too early for me to be chasing the GP, I feel, but I shall take that up at the end of the month. Examinations are coming - my e-mail is regularly assaulted by reminders. I've been finding executive function hard, not just this last week (though it is far more noticeable without work shifts), so that I haven't packed yet for my holiday and have been struggling to wake and get ready in good time. However, I did manage a trip to the Scottish Restaurant with Youngest and hear about Eldest's plans for University (Manchester or Leicester). Not from Eldest, from Tilly.

Maybe it's because I'm tired?

Positive Confusion

Windy, so the dress looks like it's not 
hanging properly. 

Two weeks off. Plans to have some days in a British city with my Mum are finalised, we shall embark on that next week, and this week, so far, has had some lovely warm weather in which I have elected to wear stuff because I can. Like a new Joe Brown's skirt I picked up from a charity shop (a lovely pink gingham blouse will only work over something and not buttoned, alas) and my short dress from George (not the one spoken of extensively at the start of this blog, the one with the white collar) and, today, my yellow Hell Bunny dress. I mean, why not? I own them, the weather is warm.

Thursday was my second GIC appointment. On entry (itself fifteen minutes early) I was warned it may take an hour and that I would have to talk about my past. Oh you sweet summer child, I thought to myself, it'll be your funeral! Indeed, two hours into my one hour appointment we finished with me being the proud owner of a second diagnosis of Gender Incongruity and a promise that a prescription for HRT will follow as soon as a letter can be written to my GP setting it up. Wow! Much better than I had assumed it would be. I'm even on a waiting list for Speech and Language Therapy to help my voice (minimum wait a year, but a year is better than nothing at all). I celebrated with some all-I-could-eat Chinese food, very unhealthy and very tasty. Oh, and a figurine. And then going to Chams on my bike. Good night, good chat, few attendees - which may have worked out better for me actually - and gave me an excuse to spend too much money on fruit infusions from Bird and Blend earlier in the day.

Aesthetics? Tick. Stout? No. Bums.

Proof that I was a. there, b. distracted
and c. a massive fangirl.

Fun fact: Tilly pointed out to me that my
"fangirlishness" was known to her and she
was unsurprised at my reaction.

I was pleasantly surprised at her calling me
a 'fangirl'. Just noting that.

Friday I popped out for some onions after a morning shopping trip, and given the lovely weather I thought I'd pop into my favourite local bar for a cheeky half. In which I was messaged by someone I've spoken to once or twice on the bus and interacted with online a bit. We ended up meeting in another of my haunts (and theirs) for a second half. They asked if I knew certain bars in the Big Smoke, which I did not, and we ended up touring some lovely places and sampling their ales. Many places with good aesthetics but no stouts (I am such a beer snob) and then we alighted upon a brewery tap I enjoy, where I had a heavy stout, before rounding out the night at a gay pub and I had a lemonade because I am a lightweight, dear reader, and there's a reason I have halves! It was a brilliant and totally unplanned night out. I look forward to potential repetitions.

Saturday I took Middlest to a local museum and had the opportunity to meet a childhood hero. Okay, so, I hadn't expected this to be the Big Deal it turned out to be. I'm an adult (allegedly) and have long maintained that I don't look up to celebrities nor have heroes in fictional franchises. It turns out my brain has other ideas. So, Sophie Aldred was there, and I remember her playing Ace in 1988-9. I remember being rather enamoured of her character and clothing in Curse of Fenric especially but also Remembrance of the Daleks and Survival. I rehearsed what I was going to say to Aldred if I got a chance and, sure enough, I got an opportunity to get a photo. However, whilst waiting, I heard her talking to other people and realised that she was actually the character - Ace was her, not the other way round - and so I completely forgot to look at any of the cameras taking my photo and, instead, ended up making a nonsensical statement saying that she was incredibly inspirational and also Ace and thank you. Then I ran away. Turns out eight year old me was bouncing up and down in my head yelling "it's Ace!!!" a lot. Luckily Abbi and Alex were there to sort of calm me down a bit. Alas, no autograph, as I had to get Middlest to the drama showcase - which was a lovely end to the day.

I tried so hard to pose for this, but forgot to animate
my left arm!

Had my eye on her since 2018, when she
first appeared in the shop.

Discontinued in 2019, and unsold in the meantime.
She came home, I guess.

Middlest was over the following day and overnight, using my place as a safe place for some things, which meant I had promised to leave them unperceived whilst they did so. Thus, having finally got round to moving my desk to accommodate a celebratory purchase from Thursday, I spent some hours in my room catching up on online things. We watched Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey - Middlest found it fun, if utterly strange (which, y'know, fair) - and the new CJ the X offering because we're both fans. It was a lovely time together and I feel like I was able to be a decent enough parent for a change.

I also managed to arrange a night out with an ex-colleague on the Saturday for a chat (and some beer, but not the adventure of last Friday) as well as a proper planned Friday night out with the adventure guide from last Friday. I am looking forward to both. I have also managed to arrange a meeting with my local MP (I say I have organised it, they have really) regarding things affecting me and people like me. It's not a comfortable thing for me to do, I have grown used to being seen as a cishet middle class comfortably off white male exponent of the oppressive majority using that privilege to stand in solidarity with marginal groups. Now I am a member of a marginal group making a much more selfish case. I'm not used to standing for myself. Imposter syndrome? Likely.

What is the point of this blow-by-blow account? Well, I guess things are actually positive for a change. No idea how, once again I have done nothing to bring this about, I am merely the beneficiary of things aligning and other people being nice. What will tomorrow bring? Likely a walk for a free coffee at IKEA in one of my lovely dresses because I can. Assuming the weather holds, of course. If it doesn't I suppose I shall add a coat.