Just Reward

That's the way to please the Lord.

I didn't need much prompting, but this shot 
is down to the good-natured goading of 
Izzy. First time using the delay function on 
my phone's camera. I shall be doing this 
again!

Took the Middlest to a Nintendo club, Tilly stepping in so that he could spend the full day there, and nipping home before picking him up yielded a letter from work. The long-awaited meeting is now set and the enclosed minutes make me look bad, without spell-checks and with vagaries everywhere. To say I am a little upset is putting it mildly - when I was involved in such proceedings I would never have tolerated such sloppy minutes, not least because of my feeling that someone I was working against, by that point, would have driven a coach and horses through it. I intend to do that. They've not really met Joanna yet. But they will. Oh, they will.

Anyway, I stuffed the stress and panic down and managed to carry on. I had taken something of a risk with my short dungaree dress and the choker/necklace thing as a combo. Long socks and my black boots, a Lindy Bop top from Indy's wife at Christmas completed the look. Thus it was that I was in a scandalously short skirt to play games with the Youngest for an hour or two at local my gaming vegan cafe favourite. I think I got away with it and it was a good exercise to get used to being dressed as such - I mean, maybe that's an aspect of who I am and maybe I should allow myself that kind of latitude. I quite liked how I felt dressed that way and, honestly, the shortness of the skirt was not as much of an issue as I had assumed initially. I especially noted how comfortable the long socks over black tights were with the boots when walking about the place. Oh, and in stereotype news, I had a pot of loose leaf herbal tea (Strawberry Lemonade) and really enjoyed it. Queer as Folk reference screams through there.

Nu Metal Chick chic.
Here the jacket obscures the top.

I did utterly confuse Tilly, before the letter, in asking her opinion on my outfit on Saturday. Apparently she doesn't notice clothes and has no opinion on how they work. Uh-huh, right. Well, I guess we all change and create our own realities as and when we need them. Been reading Gadsby's memoir a bit more too, and still finding resonances. If I thought she would care I would write a letter saying thank you for writing it.

Today I went to church again, not in the Nu Metal Chick chic outfit (I like the way that works as a phrase), but in my baggy jeans, favourite pink t-shirt and a white/stone denim-like jacket. It went well, a snafu that I helped to alleviate by taking initiative. I can't help myself in such settings and with such a small congregation it's no skin off my nose. Plus, wearing the brown boots seems more forgiving on my feet than my new trainers still. I stayed dressed thus for my Sunday walk along the canal and stopped off for a brace of halves at a pub. There's someone in contact through the Gram account I set up, largely in jealousy of Izzy (let's be brutally honest here, Izzy has a lot to be jealous of on her account!), and I worry about them. Like, I know they're a chaser; but they do seem in need of therapy. If I can get them to maybe recognise some of their issues maybe, just maybe, they can be less... well, a bit less like a May Day parade through Red Square in 1985 (i.e. less red flags).

The family of Canada Geese I stalk. They greeted me
as I started my walk today.

A family of swans I met later. I appear to have caught the
moment they made me yelp when they lunged to bite my leg.
I got out of the way and the yelp turned to an embarrassing squeal.
Well, I am nothing if not a stereotype!

Nicest of the two halves.

Interesting skies on the way back. Quite warm.

Helped a couple push a lock back in place (yay)
then continued. Feet fine in 2.5" heel boots.

Rain closing in, but what a composition!

Swans in the rain, different family than the one that attacked.
I quite like this shot.

Place your bets: how long til this kind of shot
is replaced by a curtsey now as I know how to
use the delay function on my phone's camera?

Honest Work

Rainclouds swoop in despite the sunshine 
on Thursday. I was waiting the whole day 
for the downpour that only arrived at 1920ish. 

Went down to help my Father today. Context: my Father never asks for help, but he rang earlier in the week to ask if I could help mow the lawns, trim the hedges and change bulbs. Down to the [redacted] so I went down and helped. It was nice. Got to catch up. The main thing is that, on seeing me, both he and his wife stopped ignoring the 'gender stuff' and, slowly, even used my name. Which was unexpectedly nice. Much like with me Mum, I think seeing me fully in the flesh and not seeing a hairy man in a dress, and seeing me happy... I think it helps. It puts fears at rest. Not to say I'm not a hairy man in a dress, I very well might be (thinks about inevitable five o'clock shadow), but I think the fact that I am not as threatening as my Mum and Father may have thought when imagining me dressed as myself might help them break down barriers. Lovely weather, lovely time, my Father is now looking his age - previously he did not, now he does. Given [redacted] then [redacted].

Last night was spent at Chams. I was catastrophising before going. I got all worked up because of how busy things got. I went shopping, then got in some vests (sleeveless and not spaghetti strap) because, well, I have some dresses and blouses that are a little too low cut. Whereas most people what stuff bras seem to be able to conjure a cleavage, my flesh resides elsewhere. I cannot create anything approaching a cleavage and so... the blank space is... not something I wish to show to people. Hence vests. Then I had an errand to drop a gift off for Miss Warrington, which passed off without incident, despite my blisters playing up (walking in the Chelsea boots with 2.5" heels leaves my feet better than not, I no longer understand). Then I rushed to pick up the Eldest to get her to dance - having changed into my peach effect dress and painted my nails tangerine (but I had rather lost my touch in the five weeks since I last did them). Then I forgot my credit card so couldn't buy tea. Then I pulled my tights up, having been to the loo, and they ripped. Then I realised why my thighs had felt weird - massive rash from shaving my legs that morning. Then it rained, meaning I had less time to eat tea and change tights. I sat in the car berating myself for not taking an umbrella for twenty minutes in a Biblical downpour before I realised that I had taken an umbrella, it was on the back seat.

This has been a very good read. I got to
page 118 before I realised that she is
very much my spirit animal.

Then I was rushed, then there was traffic... I was a bag of nerves and feeling crud when I got to Chams. I managed to assassinate burgeoning conversation somehow in getting a tea. And there were new people. And, without meaning to, I did that thing I do - where I take over. Luckily, one of the new people started talking to me, taking one for the team in a sense so that everyone else could have a proper conversation and get a word in. Having had no credit card I had been unable to take biscuits. Then it was a late night to bed and worry about being that person again.

Long ago, my social group from Uni went on holiday. One of the number, a new person to the group by dint of dating one of the members, was upset. She felt that she had been shouted down and ignored by a very rude individual. I picked this up and tried to help. Kirsten, for twas she, took me to one side after a couple of days of this as I was upset on the new person's behalf and wanted to know who the rude person was. You probably know where this is going. See, the rude shouty wanker was... me. It was me. I was mortified. But unable to stop being loud. Kirsten took to telling me, after the fact, when I had been loud and rude. It was a constant of any conversation in which I said anything. Looking at new member's face confirmed it. I knew what I was doing but was unable to stop.

And, well, it's been like that ever since.

Eeee hee hee hee! My youngest looked at the photo
and declared that it was not really me. Why?

Well, I'm not wearing glasses and, apparently, my hair
looks too much like Tilly's. In real life, opined the
youngest, my hair is longer than Tilly's and I wear glasses.

Well, I thought it amusing. Also, really poor photo.

Luckily, Jessica, that's the new person at Chams's name, threw herself on that grenade for everyone else. I just hope I haven't put her off. Izzy was there, in a very regal blue dress (and a lovely new bra, like, very posh) and Lynn, who still manages to outshine... well, everyone else. Not in a mean way, she just does. I'm not jealous of them both, you understand, but I totally am. Jessica also managed to shine - she looked so comfortable in her own skin and, though she denied it, her complete lack of anything approaching a five o'clock shadow suggested electrolysis. Meanwhile, on the drive home, I noted that my stubble was reasonably long and the foundation had long ago lost the battle to hide it.

Anyway, at least my Father was able to use my actual name and, well, it was good to see him. Oh, and on my return home, a letter from Tesco returning my Deed Poll and promising to 'get back to me regarding my recent enquiry'? I mean, uh... what? But, also, my new driving licence!! And it's in the trans-flag colours. So... that's nice.

If You're Going to San Fran-Cisco

First ever flower in my hair!!! 
Well, okay, I tried a buttercup and it was 
too small. This was the first serious effort. 

One of my key arguments throughout my life when faced with things that have been gendered unnecessarily has always been to confound them with my own tastes. ASD has gendered symptoms? Not at all! I display the female symptoms! Colours are for girls? Not at all! I like those colours! And... well, I can't use those apparently watertight arguments any more, can I? What brought this up? Well, for the longest time I have hankered after wearing a flower in my hair. And, well, I finally got round to doing it this week - yesterday for the first time (I lost it after running through a field) and today again because I could. Both times, I loved it. This evening I was out with the Middlest and, as an experiment, I asked if he would like to try as well. He did not. At all. So, I guess, semi-confirmed that my desire to wear a flower in my hair is a feminine one.

Or, at least, it is not one shared by my Middlest child who is, as far as I can tell, relatively gender-conforming in a very autistic way. Much as I would assume I would be had I been in any way gender conforming. Is that even the right terminology? My point is that I can't so very well go around using myself as an example of masculinity to break down apparently pointless gendering now. I'm not complaining, just pointing it out.

Part of the field in which I lost the flower.

Out on a random walk this evening with
the Middlest. Just taken it out now.

Pink eye-shadow, in case you can even tell.

And, on that note, I was cruising Reddit and in answering someone's question I remembered that, since around the age of twelve, I have always assumed that, if I were to have breasts, they would be a B cup. Which, now as I think about it a bit, is a really strange thought for a twelve year old boy to have and then to maintain as a thing for the next nearly thirty years. I have no deeper thoughts on that one beside how odd it was at the time and how neatly it dove-tails with the thing about the flower in tha hair. Oh, yes, in answer to the question: I do stuff to a B cup now. I did stuff to a C cup once, that time I went to the Goth club with Toby, but that felt... wrong and right. Right in that I had a bosom (Toby would ask me to remove the stuffing at the end of the night and, though I did, I recall the feeling of intense disappointment at being asked) but wrong in that it felt way too big.

I also ended up buying some new flats yesterday - in blue - and they are surprisingly comfortable! I have been using them as slippers since and they are superior to the ones I had from IKEA. I popped into a charity shop whilst out, I had cased the shoes on Sunday's walk, and ended up procuring two new dresses. One of which I had assumed was a black version of the navy dress I love so - but on comparing the two side by side this morning I realised it was just the same dress. Again, no complaints, I now have two (and this one was brand new with tags so now I know I can wash it in the washing machine!) and I do like the dress so that's nice. the other one looked obnoxiously orange to my eyes but, when I took a photo, looked more peach.

I so wanted it to be obnoxious, but this looks tame.
Again, not complaining, I love it. It's just not as loud as
I thought!

From darkness to light again.
This was about the point I realised that I was
getting blisters again.

That walk on Sunday may have done my feet in again, though, as the walk home from IKEA on Monday was painful again (sides of my heels this time with blisters) and, though I could walk today, I was put off walking to get the flats and dresses yesterday and struggled today generally (though I did get to wander into town). I was looking for some yellow and/or black nail varnish, I haven't worn any at all for about four weeks, but declined to spend £3.50 after already blowing £7 on shoes and £8 on dresses. My father has booked in for seeing a Prom with my brother and I on 10 August - which is nice - but I'm not sure either of them have really thought through how I shall be presenting. It does mean an opportunity to wear that floaty number I didn't end up walking in, just need to consider some kind of jacket I guess. And whether or not it's a good idea to wear it to London with the high likelihood of using the Underground and, well, walking through London. The skirt may be a tad full and long. The alternative is one of my 'work' dresses as they shall look smart, at least. The equivalent of turning up in the past in a suit I suppose. It's always way too hot.

All of which ends in a poerm - which is like a poem but crap. Like mah sh1tty wr1ttens...

And once more ambushed out,

tea brewed steaming, by the

brash inner child singing gaily.

Your inner child who ached

to have a flower in her hair;

Who loved daisies but feared

the jeers of her peers ringing.

She'd longed to run in wild fields,

scattered weeds and overgrown leaves

choked, believing it wrong and dark.

Now stronger, freer, the call

of the meadow in the springtime

sunshine streaming softly:

wearing the flower and

                                       laughter.

Burn

Cheers! This was the second half of the evening 
a sour called Strawberry Sundae and it was... 
lovely. Just... lovely. 

There's a piece of music by a CCM artist called Burn. There's a track from the Pet Shop Boys called Burn. Back in 2017 I started, but never completed, a post with the title. I think... I think I need to revisit it and complete my thoughts. Or, rather, my Sunday walk led me to some strange mental places. So, let's start with the week for those of you that don't wish to see the TMI stuff! I have found how to add line breaks again!

I had the boys for the Saturday and we went to my vegan café favourite gaming local for chips and they played a couple of games of chess. Smallest was being alternately brilliant and a moody bag of bones, I did my best to shield him from an interested passerby who was amazed children so young were playing and enjoying chess. His interventions served to prove he probably put a good few young people off the game forever, couched as they were in negging and then taking moves for them and making mistakes. I was polite but did have to be a bit firm a couple of times, but he left eventually, thank goodness. I perhaps ought to have shuffled him off sooner. During this, Smallest was a delight, but he kept collapsing into anger - he's back at the demanding I live at home again screams and, well, he knows it cannot be resolved. Nevertheless, he picked me some daisies and was absolutely made-up that I enjoyed them as a gift (and I really did, always have liked daisies but... well, y'know). Then they all went home to Tilly and a friend of her's who was visiting. Today they went to a second exam in Coventry.

FaceApp gender-flipped and... I'm not really
that far off now. My hair needed washing, done
that now.

Last night I went to my local pub and got me some nice beers. It was enjoyable, if expensive, sitting and just drinking nice tasting ales. Even though I was alone and on my phone, I had a good time and even found the time to get what I thought was a decent selfie. No hits of euphoria offered by FaceApp there, nor on the walk home, but I am not complaining.

This morning, having shaved my legs, pits and chest (as well as my face, goes without saying) I looked at myself in the mirror. I mean, I looked at myself and realised that I could actually say, out loud, "I love you." Which I did. I mean, I was actually able to tell myself that I loved myself. No, not like that but... I actually could say that and mean it. It's... well, a pretty Big Thing for me to be able to hand-on-heart say that. It stuck with me.

I went to church. A baptism. And I read a few more of the notes that I took all those years ago and ruminated on my church-going experiences generally. I remember inviting Tilly to my church and I know that part of the issues that followed were because she sort of took over - that is, she made church all about her experience and it being a place that she could unwind - inevitably meaning that I was shunted into childcare and shielded from making friends (now, in fairness, I had avoided exactly that in the three years before Tilly turned up) and, slowly, even stayed at home so that I could look after the children and they wouldn't get in the way of her singing or doing evening services. I was essentially frozen out of my church so that Tilly could get involved.

I wasn't taking photos as much this time, deliberately,
attempting instead to focus on enjoying the walk and
thinking about that statement to my reflection.

I realised that properly today. Then I ran away again when the service was done.

Lovely sunshine begged a walk, which I took. Saw a Second World War era prop driven aircraft, looked like a Manchester or Lancaster Bomber, pass overhead in the sunshine, then I deviated and took a new footpath because... why not? And I ruminated on the misunderstood stress about church back in the day and the fact that I could comfortably say that I loved myself. It's been over a year since I realised that I was, in fact, trans and that I would have to do something about that. But it was only about ten weeks ago, the walk with the hat on the Sunday for the first time, that I realised that I could actually embrace myself and be myself a little more fully. And ten weeks on I can finally admit that out loud and mean it without irony or self-deprecation.

There's a speck in here that may or may not be a Lancaster
Bomber. Honestly it looked much closer in the moment.
Otherwise: interesting sky!

A tiny dog jumped at me, "that's funny, he usually only does this to men, because he's jealous when I talk to them!" said the owner, and laddered my tights. Bugger. I was outpaced by a couple walking together (this is not a normal experience for me, but I take smaller steps these days and I was wearing a dress so... I quite liked that I had to give way to them for as change. Not a specific them, just every person I meet on walks) and managed to curb my greed to avoid buying food at the supermarket at the other end. Ruined instantly by buying another beer in the same pub as two weeks ago. Then I wandered to map out where the splash pad is in my head so that I can take the children there when we have good weather. Got clocked by some boys in a park, who were very disturbingly arming themselves with big sticks - one of them "I worked out where he lives on Google, so I'm going there now, with this. You coming?" to the rest - and they thought it hilarious, "I'm telling you, that's a fucking man." But they were heading in the opposite direction, so I let it slide. Also, they had big sticks.

And then I finished my walk and cooked some menemen, which was lovely too.

Before I added the eggs. It was really nice, can recommend.

TMI follows, don't click if you're not bothered!

Just a Quickie

Coupla points, while I have your attention.

Firstly, necklaces.

Ever so slightly experiencing joy. 
Can you tell? 
I can. 

Today I got in from my walk out to get free teas (two, plus a hot chocolate) to find a parcel on my doormat - it was a vixen necklace sent from Jenny. I have very few words left but they are all pretty much subsumed by the sort of noise a woman in her forties makes when she gets an unexpected gift and I am not actually crying but so so close. Which, given I dodged rain to get home (sheltering a bit under trees when it got a bit heavier than my having no coat could handle), is a tad on the dangerous side. Also, side note: rain on glasses - why did I find that annoying and affirming at the same time? I don't know. Back to the point. It's a vixen necklace. I bloody love it.

Yesterday I picked up the choker / necklace thing from Misty (and discovered that she trusts me enough to do that girls what are friends chatting thing - with extra info thrown in and... that was a sandwich of wonderful!) and had a cake (I regret spending the money but not the experience of it). This was all while dropping my eldest for dance and before picking her up again. I wore the necklace to pick her up and eldest thought it cool. It's a bit more young punk rock chick than woman in her forties in a fantastic cardi, truth be told.

I don't know why, but it became very important
to me to get a photo of this - it's the progress Pride
flag flying outside IKEA.

Secondly, food.

The offensive article. Sans cardi because
it was rather hot.

I think I like this. It's not a patch on the
freaking vixen but I do like it.

Not sure when I could wear it, but, eh, a 
time will come.

So, I went to get me my standard free hot drinks yesterday and slipped and ended up with a full cooked breakfast. Whoops. It was lovely. It did mean that I missed buying a lovely top I saw in a charity shop on the Monday - well, no, it probably wasn't the breakfast that did that, it likely sold after I left it displayed at the end of the rack because it was £1.50 for a lovely black lace mesh top with a built in sleeveless t-shirt beneath from New Look and, let's face it, that was a bargain I ought to have snapped up on the Monday rather than questioned and then not got. I digress. I wore the cardi out yesterday as well and I might love it just a little bit.

Oh, and the photo I took of me in the necklace / choker thing? FaceApp reckoned it was female. So, that was a lovely hit of extra gender euphoria on top of the existing gender euphoria of wearing it. This was a good counter to a bizarre experience with Tesco Mobile - my phone provider. They sent me my Deed Poll back, nice of them, and then, in a separate letter addressed to Joanna, explained that because the Deed Poll was not enrolled they could not change my name. I rang up to query this, as I said to the man, "legal bollocks" and he addressed me as 'Miss'  and 'Joanna' until checking identity, whereupon he switched to 'Sir'. He then got confused, asked me what he should call me, and then avoided saying 'Joanna' in favour of 'Sir' for the rest of the conversation. Very odd. Anyway, that should now be sorted.

It was supposed to be a hot chocolate... Oops.

Thirdly: the cardigan!

This was a present from Indy's wife back over Christmas (goodness, at that point I was still thinking I wouldn't go 'full-time' until the summer, can you imagine? Today marks ten weeks, by the way, for those keeping count). I loved it because it was yellow. I like yellow. Well, yesterday I finally managed to get an outfit I felt it worked with.

Also the shortest skirt in which I have been
out yet. It was fine. Not embarrassing at all.
Perfect for the weather too.

Okay, I'm done. It was just a quickie. (And it's only the third time I've used this exact title and fifth time I've done a post like it! - first, second; then the similar titles: one and two)

Passing Fancies

On Wednesday's walk. I like this shot, I 
took it with the back camera on my phone 
so I couldn't see the pose. Also, and this is 
important apparently, FaceApp bestowed 
'female' on this shot. 

Why, yes, I had washed my hair that morning, 
how could you tell?

Once again I attended the coffee club this Tuesday and it was nice, the good weather brought out more people (similar ages) and there were primary school children visiting the church so everyone was in good spirits. A few of those that met me last week were keen to strike up conversation and were aggressively friendly - which was nice, I couldn't do my usual and slowly hide and fade away. One of them, an ex-teacher, got chatting to me and we started discussing my current limbo, about which she was angry on my behalf, but, in the middle of it all (whilst discussing the difference my ASD makes) I sort of forgot where I was and included a mention that "all this" I gestured to myself "is still quite new to me and probably doesn't help." I watched as the cogs turned and saw the moment when the penny dropped. The lady made a strangled "awk" noise, scooted her chair back and away from me and turned to talk to someone else. For the rest of the morning, an hour, she did not look at nor speak to me. In the meantime some of those present who had not heard our conversation tried to recruit me to the PCC... I have my answer - I was not clocked the last time I went. I guess that means I semi-sorta pass?

With the children away, eldest taking a GCSE in an exam centre, I had planned to go alone to a Pokémon pre-release event. I had originally slated this for Sunday but preferred a walk instead so rearranged. On that note, and slightly shaken by the ex-teacher lady's reaction, I continued after lunch to travel to the relevant urban area. The plan had been to seek out where actually sells bracelets and see what was available - I have been on Etsy and liked what I saw but I prefer being able to see things, y'know? Anyway, the way I drove in passed the car dealership from where I lease my car and that agreement is ending soon. I had hoped to put everything off until I know the situation with regards wages but, well, I had also assumed I would know by now. The car goes back 2 August! So I popped in.

I wore this again on Tuesday - so this is how
I appeared at the coffee morning. And at the
Pokémon pre-release event.

I mean, this is after a shave and a recent
application of foundation and you can still see
the beard.

Oh, yeah, they have me on file under my old name. However, they were fine about it, only one strangled 'sir' turned into a 'Joanna' and they otherwise were fine. Then came the bombshell - delays would mean a new car could take up to mid-September to arrive and, and this was the killer, the best they could offer was £360pcm. I... can't afford that even if I do keep my job. Thus, with a feeling of nausea and slight panic, I continued into the centre to look at bracelets. If I tell you that I cannot remember a single shop I went into but I can say I saw nothing that grabbed me, you'll get a decent picture of how I felt. I ate a packed tea in a park (attempting to sit with my dress out, but that was uncomfortable, luckily a bench was vacated so I immediately took it and ate there) having chatted with my Mum about the car situation (and thus increasing my panic). Then I went to my vegan café gaming favourite.

Misty was back, having had an awful month thus far, and we chatted. She was wearing a new necklace / choker thing - very goth - and I complimented her on it as we played the first round. She was very excited as it was new and we chatted about that for a bit. Then she said: "they sent two, would you like the other one?" My instinct, dear reader, was to deny and run. But I was playing a game, running was not an option, so I croaked out that it was a very nice offer but- she interrupted and said she would bring it in and I could pick it up next time I was in. I think she may know me reasonably well. I am... a little excited - I've waited a full day already and am trying to hold off until this evening to see if I can pick it up lest I appear a bit too eager.

I have been trying to get some photos of...
well, of things I like. Just... photos.

Yes, I am attempting to capture something of
that cottagecore aesthetic because... well, I
can. "The gays can do what they want."

And, well, that maybe applies to me.

Also there, Veronica and I were chatting. I relayed the anecdote about the coffee morning and she frowned: had I just shaved then? Huh? Well, she said reasonably, you've got a bit of a beard going on there so I assumed most people would read you as male. Then she explained that she carried an electric razor to have shaves throughout the day. And then, in the middle of the café and mid-conversation, took out the razor and proceeded to shave as my beard had reminded her that she hadn't for a while. She's lovely, she really is, and very friendly - also autistic - so I know that none of this was meant badly. I honestly don't know what to make of it, so I didn't. After all, she shared a link for a dress she was thinking of buying for a wedding (it is lovely) and was keen to hear my opinion so... there's that.

Wednesday I wandered to my local car dealership, where I had the LEAF from, and asked after what I could get. It seems an EV may be out, which is very sad, but there was one on the lot that I could afford. It won't be there by the time I need to buy it but it has allayed the panic a little to know that I can buy a second-hand car and that an EV may be an option. Also, loans. I can get a better rate with my bank (I think) and maybe even buy a second-hand EV outright. Likely to be a step backward from the range of the Zoë but, well, I used to drive with that car for five years so it's not a great loss to me.

Wednesday's look. The skirt is suede (?)
effect. I like it even more because it is
a. size 12 and b. fastens in the side.

Oh, it's from Next. The blouse is from
Indy's wife. It has a winged red skull
embroidered into the back. It was nice
and, well, it has grown on me further.

Feeling better, and in a new skirt I picked up for £1.50, I went on my usual walk to IKEA for tea and soft drinks - which was lovely - and thence home. Got a message from Miss Warrington to tell me She had survived the school inspection and some of the gossip surrounding it; which was lovely! I had been intending to drop a beer at Her house anyway (knowing about the inspection and keen to support) so I went ahead and did that. She invited me in and we had a good natter about things, which was... I have missed my lunchtime chats with Her and, well, it appears the sentiment was returned. On hearing I was on Instagram, Miss Warrington searched me up and so now we follow one another. It is a strange thing, Instagram, still not sure what I'm doing with it. She bade me stay longer, but I had a message from my Father about [redacted] and [redacted] so I went to attend to that.

Had a quick chat with the Bread Lady and my next-door neighbour (they were out in their yards chatting when I arrived home) and that went well. It is clear that Bread Lady has filled in my next-door neighbour on things because he referred to me as 'Joanna' rather than my old name, which has been his default, and that was nice. They are both good people, I don't know what else I should have expected other than friendly acceptance. Even the leak wasn't so bad (towel barely soaked with heavy rain) so... a positive end to the brace of days. Though I did wander to a summer fair being held locally in the afternoon and ran away - still shaky from the beard conversation Tuesday night and with remaining tremours from the car situation - and I don't know what to make of that.

Huh, less introspection and more blogging. Thank you, if have been, for reading!

I like the way the bushes frame the field.

It's Only Words

Lots of unconnected thoughts whirling around today, so I shall attempt to organise with sub-headings and stay mostly on topic! After all, words are all I have to take the tears away.

Compliments

I got this in January or February. I have worn 
it just once since then, to check for size. I did 
not dare wear it for my walk on Sunday. But, 
one day, I shall.

Whilst I was out getting birthday cards today the lady in the card shop complimented me on my dress, saying she liked how simple it was and how it hung right. I was somewhat taken aback and didn't really know how best to respond. I ended up vomiting out that it was a gift from a friend and thanking her, before burbling some guff about how it was well-suited to changeable weather. I had worn my denim jacket with it as I wandered to the Nordic franchise to get free hot drinks this morning, following a night of heavy rain and a soaked towel in the loft, and enjoyed the experience. I love how it billows when descending stairs and how it shapes when wind catches it - all without ever threatening to be indecent - and it looks really nice paired with black tights.

Whilst at the Nordic franchise I saw a lady who was just stunning - she had some rainbow dungarees and... I can't explain. She looked so happy and comfortable in herself with a combination of clothing, accessories and hair that just... she had clearly put some thought into her wardrobe and so even the rush she was in allowed her to make everything look planned and proper. I took a moment to tell her how fabulous her "everything" looked and she seemed genuinely complimented, which I took as a positive, and then I retired to my corner to read the internet on my phone and drink my free tea.

Today's dress. I really like this one. I wore
it that time when I realised I'd spent a whole
day in a dress and was living the dream.

Today I just liked its simplicity and the pairing
with my black ankle boots from Deichmann.

One of the people that work there, in the cafe, is the daughter of a work colleague. For the first time this morning I spied something approaching a knowing smile as I passed and said good morning. I wonder if she has worked out who I am? I mean, one would assume so, I have been going pretty much daily for the past nine weeks and I spotted her working there on the first day I went! The only remarkable thing is that it has taken as long as it has! Anyway, it got me thinking on compliments and how much they can improve someone else's day, which is setting the bar really low in my opinion, and how few people actually try to compliment others. Or, rather, take the time to work out how the other person might wish to have a compliment given. I still take the time to compliment Tilly on things, because it is important and kind, and did so on Saturday - she was genuinely pleased by the compliment and is working on accepting them, so that was nice. The effects of the time sink scammers (see later) suggests that I am still a little starved of them overall - certainly Tilly has offered none. I mean, that scans and why should she, we are divorced! Oh, and I am transitioning and that is a sore point, I feel.

Oh, in other good news, my father has [redacted]. His wife has had a bit of a time of things but there was some good news in that he has [redacted stuff about my father]. On the plus side, it's good for my grandmother, his mother, and bodes well. I even managed to remember his wife's birthday and organise a card.

Friends and Tournaments

On my way to the Nordic franchise in order
to score free hot drinks. Note the remaining
raindrops. A bit like the loft.

On Saturday I met with Indy and his eldest so that the eldest and my Middlest could take part in the Pokémon pre-release tournament. Lovely warm weather, burning sunshine, and both boys won their leagues (I keep forgetting that Indy's eldest is younger than my Middlest) with all the extra prizing that this represents. I did not do so well, but I did pull some rare and expensive cards - and Middlest sold one I'd pulled a while ago for £70 so that was nice. Indy is having a time of things but it was nice to be able to ask about that and, well, presenting femme as I am these days, people are more willing to speak their minds and not worry so much about what I might think. That sounds bad. I mean it almost entirely as a positive! Indy had a go on the cats round Tilly's whilst I shepherded boys and organised food at the local Scottish restaurant whilst they played each other with their pre-release decks. Being in different leagues they couldn't play each other otherwise. A lovely day out and some excellent weather. I even organised some beer and a take-out for the evening's Eurovision entertainment - but that was just me in my house, Indy having set off home and the children back at home.

In the afternoon I went to pick up Eldest from a dance thing and happened across a public dance show. I stopped and took some video as it looked like the sort of thing that Eldest would get a kick out of, even Middlest was impressed, but then spotted that we had stumbled on the dance thing that Eldest was at. Obviously we hung around and enjoyed the spectacle. I was in my favourite t-shirt and a lovely corduroy skirt, same as I'd worn last Sunday actually, so feeling pretty chipper. It doesn't take much, does it!?

Work

On the way back from buying some cards
today. I just want to prove that it is sometimes
sunny and lovely.

I know that they are rather busy at work at the moment. There's an inspection coming and so the ongoing delays will be delayed by at least another week. It sucks in terms of not knowing and being unable to properly plan ahead but at least I get paid for another month. On my weekly Sunday walk, again along the canal but in my 'Terrified' dress (it felt lovely), my Mum suggested that I could look for a job in the Post Office as I do seem to enjoy walking. It's not the first time that she's suggested it and, honestly, yeah, I think I'd enjoy the work. It was also properly lovely walking in a dress with actual *gasp* bare shoulders. Picking up some sushi on offer with some strawberry and cream chocolate thing was probably money I could have saved and fat I could have avoided but, honestly, if it is a lifetime on the hips I can live with it because, presently, I have no hips. I do think that much of the delay from work with things is down to pant-wetting fear about my transition and what it may mean in terms of parental complaints and the need to take my side legally. Also, a worry that if they do sack me I shall be able to successfully argue that it was discrimination (I don't believe that, but if they are worried I could sue then maybe it would be?).

Time Sinks

One terrified dress and my new sunglasses.

I couldn't get a full-length shot despite my
best efforts, but recall that there is a yellow
section at the base of the skirt.

First time I've used my Cath Kidson handbag
in a while too.

One of the features of the last week has been a number of things that have sapped my time and inclination to do things. Full disclosure: I set up an Instagram account. See, first the Estee Lauder ladies said to follow them there and then Izzy's was popular and, well, I am an attention whore (as any cursory reading of this place will attest). Once on I set about trying to work out what to do with it and, eventually, realised that I could do that cottagecore thing I had always lusted after. I mean, I can do whatever I want, James Stephanie Sterling told me: "the gays can do whatever they want". And, well, I think I might be kinda gay? Anyway, yes, a footle there eventually impressed upon me the need to make the account 'request to follow'. Not before one person (I think two people were running the account at least) got in contact. I shall be honest, it was a little hard to pin down whether or not it was a scam account or if the person was real and just not very well.

Long story short, they were scamming, but it sank a good thirty or so hours of my time over the course of a few days - they even offered a parallel watching of the Matrix which, honestly, had they done that I think I would have happily paid them - before trying to snap the trap shut with a sob story about period pains, lack of money to buy painkillers and a payday a week (later amended to a day) away. It was a shame, they were just genuine enough with compliments that I was starting to wonder if they were real. However, after the failed period pain the other operator tried to tell me they were bored and 'looking for some fun' - at least read the chat, y'know? - and so I blocked the account and moved on.

Then, last night, another early follower started activity and tried the Mistress routine. I was standoffish but also vaguely intrigued. Another few hours lost before money was demanded and I blocked and moved on. And that, I say, should be that. From here on in I shan't be intrigued by such offers of contact and shall stay away! I need the sleep!

Cliche

Speaking of cliches, have a lovely photo
of a tree in blossom amidst warm
sunshine.

I have now acquired a compact mirror, which has become a staple of my handbag, and feel that I am slowly becoming the stereotype of a woman in her forties. I bought Hannah Gadsby's memoir, I think I mentioned this, but it arrived on Saturday and I am looking forward to reading it. My nails have also stopped falling apart, a left over I feel from the stress midway through February, but now are a bit short - well, some are. I am close to caving and spending money on getting my eyebrows done - I am so clueless there that seeing how it is done may be required. I am also giving serious consideration to getting my legs waxed, I mean, I have been since Christmas, but now I am wondering seriously enough that I may actually get it done. Amazing how much the application of foundation seems to have quelled the desire to get laser on my beard done. I just think that legs would feel nicer and more indulgent than the more prosaic and practical murdering of hair follicles on my jaw.

Ha, TERFs would have a field day critiquing my choices right now, and with reasonably strong arguments! Well, screw 'em, I can do what I want, Commander Sterling said so! (Yes, I am trying to make myself feel a bit more comfortable describing myself as 'gay', what of it?). This links in to my ongoing quest to find some bodily ornamentation - often known as jewellery - which is confusing as I have no idea where one goes to find what I am looking for. I mean, I have a pendant now and really like wearing it. I would really like a bracelet, I suppose, or bracelets. Trouble is, I have no idea what sort of bracelet or bracelets I would actually like to wear. Yet more evidence of cliche, I fear, because there's that thing where I don't know my own mind (that might just be the ASD though).

I did pick a buttercup today though and try to put it behind my ear. It did not work (but my hair is now long enough that I totally could with a larger bloom) but it did go in the buttonhole of my denim jacket. I also saw a fox dash out into the path ahead of me. Alas, although I stopped dead, I was spotted and it ran away as soon as it saw me. I won't deny something of a thrill seeing it with a luscious red coat and clean lines - this was no urban fox like I have seen before, but a healthy rural one fresh from the feast of spring. Always had a thing for foxes and a love of the word and concept of a 'vixen'. Told you I'm a cliche.

Eurovision

The rear of the dress from the start, see
that bow there? That's my favourite aspect
of this dress. What did I say about being a
cliche?

Am I dreaming? I think I might be dreaming. On Saturday there was Eurovision and I was pleased to join in with the traditional ex-Uni friends gathering to watch and comment for the first time properly since maybe 2013. It was great fun! And why am I referencing 2013? Turns out I had opinions on dresses and female attire that were insistent enough to be noted by other people. Reading the thread back on the Sunday I am amazed that no one twigged I was being horrifically transgender. Heck, I'm amazed I didn't figure it out. Some of the posts on that forum dating from 2005 and 2006 are textbook transgender person being a complete egg. I was so close to cracking! Then I meet Tilly and put it all away (you can track this reasonably well with what remains from back then) and walk away from anything that might have cracked my egg.

The amazing thing, for me at least, is how close I came and still didn't know nor decide to pursue further. I guess I felt that having a relationship with an actual real-life human person was more important than figuring myself out. Ha, "I guess", I know that was the case! Oh, and I had a proper chat with the Bread Lady today, she came round with some spare baguettes and a bloomer loaf, and properly 'came out' as transgender. "Are you going to fully transition?" she asked, that question people seem to ask without any idea what they mean, but I know what they're driving at. I guess, autistically, I find that question a fascinating one to ask. Obviously, I did not break it down on the doorstep but answered in the positive - I know what it is that people are driving at, even if that's not what their words mean.

Sometimes nature herself provides the curtsey.

Black and Blue

A critical eyebrow raised this morning 
at my choice of attire. Got eyeshadow on, 
can anyone even tell?

It's back: the writing bug. Or, at least, I've been having some idea sleets. Also back is the leak - half soaked towels now because it's moved and is above a joist so I can't put pots down - which is less fun but relevant. I keep getting flashes of ideas for stories and stuff but nothing viable enough to actually kick-start my writing. Like reading, I got The Long War from a charity bookshop but haven't managed to stick at it long enough to get into it, so the other day I wandered into my nearest large urban area to pick up Gadsby's memoir but it was too expensive so I bought it from the evil online empire instead - should be delivered whilst I'm out on Saturday at a Pokemon pre-release. It'll be nice, Indy and his eldest are popping up to join us!

Shaved my body in all the places it needed shaving today, but made such a poor job of the top parts of my legs that the remaining hair rubbed the other thigh a bit raw. Emergency purchase of tights made and problem has been dealt with but, ouch. That's what comes of wearing a skirt, I suppose, rather than jeggings or jeans. It was warm enough for a skirt and it's a bit like wearing shorts, right? I mean, the main issue is for me to try and make it look like I spend time out of the house. Watched a documentary about Bloodywood, having been introduced to their existence yesterday, and found them surprisingly wholesome and, dare I say, properly aware of their place in society (one may say 'woke' but I fear such a term has been somewhat co-opted by less than savoury types these days). Eldest agreed that they were brilliant in the car and so I shall probably have to save up for their album now (I shall, of course, download their songs before then and pay them back later).

New sunglasses and my first proper t-shirt
that I bought last year. Was that around this
time? Oh, yes, it must have been.
I quite like the sunglasses! (Hair's a mess)

I wore my blue dress with my black denim jacket to Chams tonight (hence the title) and attempted to add a bracelet type thing (it was black string). I am uncertain where people get 'costume' jewellry these days (or any days, to be honest) and charity shops had some interesting items when I checked on Monday and Tuesday but nothing that really called to me. Well, okay, no, there were two items but I couldn't justify buying them and they may be on the small side for my huge wrists. Izzy was there, Chams, tonight; looking fab as usual - this time in a dotty dress - and Lynn was wearing a cat dress that looks great! Two others were in proper Spring outfits, both looked lovely, and another attendee was there in the boots that cause me jealousy. A new person was there, in borrowed clothes, but looking for all the world like they were fitted. I took some biscuits and even managed to do the washing up - didn't stop me from geeking out and doing that thing I do. Luckily it was a little better contained than in the past.

Had an amazing video through from Shiona - good message but also a Border Collie that, I shall admit, I maybe spent more time looking at than was strictly necessary. So cute! I digress.

I went to a coffee club thing with some people from Church on Tuesday too. Lots of politics and Politics discussed with little connection twixt the two even when there were obvious signs. I did my best and think I managed to keep my mouth shut and listen. I was the youngest there by almost two clear decades and there were only seven people in total. It was... well, it got me out of the house and they accepted me fully. I honestly can't tell if I was unclocked or they weren't bothered, either works, I guess.

The bureaucratic fight continues, a form sent to my mobile provider today so that should bear fruit soon. Miss Warrington was in contact on Tuesday evening as well, sending an article and podcast about trans-women in sports that she thought I may be interested in as well as re-iterating that she, and plenty of others, were waiting for my return. No news on that front whatsoever though.

And that's probably enough this late at night. Hmm, excitable stream of consciousness, it's been a while!

Who was here? Was it you? Or am I just dreaming?

A Walk in Pictures

They say an image can paint a thousand words and, well, I can get very wordy. So, in an effort to just share the happiness of today I shall post images!

On my way to Church - FaceApp decreed female. 
Roman label suit. I took this to check for hair on my face.

 

A family of Canada geese.

Hawthorn (I think) spills out from nettles and brambles
by the canal.

Looking toward the railway. Old wetlands.

Yellow and white contrast with the canal.

I like the reflections captured here.

I like the framing here and the splash of red from the houseboat
moored up ahead. You can just make out the white-washed cottage.

Everything is improved by framing with a bough above...
Not sure about the yellow sack. The focus was supposed to be
the bridge.

A selfie didn't seem appropriate, but this shadow shot
will suffice. I'd changed into a skirt and t-shirt because it
was warm and sunny.

No idea why this figurehead was in the trees, but I like it.

A boat putters in the distance, who knows what folkloric creatures
hid at the sound of my approach?

In the dark of the shade, bees buzzed and unseen birds
foraged, dinosaur like.

No walk is complete without a beer. This one is a cherry
stout and raven themed. I sat in the beer garden and mused
on blossom. The barman used exclusively feminine diminutives
to talk to me. I kinda loved that.

I read a brace of blog posts that gave me pause. One of them full of unrestrained joy, the other more mixed, and I reflected on how different things were there to my own experience. Then I wandered to a nearby supermarket, got a cheese sandwich and wandered vaguely in the direction of another urban conurbation. From here, to the bluebells, I wondered what to say to those posts. In the meantime, I had a warm fuzzy feeling from being called 'darling', 'sweetness' and 'love' by the barman.

A house that seemed out of place. Or, perhaps, a Genius Loci had carved
a space amid the encroaching urbanisation for this country house...

A shiny time-travelling car was not what I expected to
see on this walk (now approximately five miles in).

Halfway and someone's garden had some nice colour contrasts.
Not sure how well that shows up here: purple, red and russet.

An interesting hollow tree overgrown with ivy and contrasting
sunshine. What fae lives here?

A couple of lads were filming bike jumps in the woods, they referred to me exclusively as male, which was odd. But a family were navigating some brambles and nettles on a narrow path and referred to me exclusively as female. So... no idea what's going on there. Can't say I wasn't having fun though, because I was having a lot of fun.

A carpet of unexpected bluebells in the sunshine.

Slight change of angle produces a different take. Maybe a bit more
Goth? I should get me a parasol.

Final photo, some four miles from home, and a mild
with vanilla pods.

Ultimately, today I tried to do rather than simply dream. I've said before I like the look of Cottagecore so, today, I made a conscious effort to capture some of that aesthetic and weave it.