Plot Device

Wish I could have voted like that...

Last Thursday a parcel arrived from the States and I picked it up that evening on my way to pick up my daughter for her Dance - she's enrolled in a pretty influential Dance College. This was a day after my first jab of the vaccine (yes, dear reader, I am that old). Ah, and thereby hangs another tale. Anyway, then took her to Dance, tried to do some shopping at the supermarket there (it did not work, I have abandoned future attempts) and then brought her home. Feeling woozy, I went to carry out my demovratic duty in the local elections, which turned into a nearly hour long trek to the right polling station, before going shopping and making it home for gone 9pm.

Can't tell, but think this may be my set up - without the
anti-pull-out part.

Why tell you this? It took that long to get to the parcel and try out the contents. As intimated on a previous post it was, of course, the Vice Mini V2 that I had ordered. In pink of course. I tied it out that night, but wearing the knock-off Holy Trainer v2 had left some chafing that meant that I wasn't in it for long. My mother was also coming to visit for thr weekend. But I couldn't stay out for long and continued experimenting by Saturday night, into Sunday and Monday. Then I came out last night as the ring was slipping a bit and causing some chafing and the main body seemed to be causing the foreskin to swell a bit.

I mean, I don't look this good, but you get the idea.

Obviously, this is me, I went back in this morning. I have a shower that leaks (think I said) and so rather than chance another morning shower to wash my hair I went in the smaller corner bath - seemingly designed for shaving legs with a seat and enough space to put legs under the water but not much else, along with a shower on top of the taps. I did not shave, despite wishing to, due to being late up, and instead went back into the Vice. This time on the smallest ring, a smaller spacer, but no anti-pull-out bit. It hurt a bit for most of the day but, after taking the eldest out and getting in shopping from the right supermarket, it suddenly (and I do mean suddenly) stopped hurting. It felt, and continues to feel, comfortable and... well, we shall see tonight I suppose.

Part of the reason for taking it off last night was keep reading the caption that I had found Dee had made on her blog. It was made with me as the star and it was far more thoughtful than she let on, because that's how Dee rolls, but it incorporated so much of what I have spoken about here for years with some predictive elements that turned out to be rather spot on. You can find that caption and the original post by clicking on the image below.

It thus allowed me, for the first time in a long while, to start my own creative juices flowing. Much like when I discovered Mae Dean recently I ended up reading and re-reading that caption all day and thinking about it at work. It just touched a nerve, in a good way, and I couldn't get it out of my mind. Getting flustered all day and with the hint of reddening embarrassment around my ears. It also had effects... down there which exacerbated the movement of the base ring and the chafing. Hence coming out last night. Am I too early going back in? I guess I shall find out.

And yes, that caption has me thinking again, along with the discovery of a fragment of TG story dating from around 2002-2003 - hard to place exactly - written not long after a friend from University's 21st and using that as the main event. The fragment doesn't actually get that far, but there's enough there that I recognise it. I hope to actually find time to write something, maybe caption something, based on that inspiration but we shall see.

In the meantime, I might actually be feeling a bit happy.

Low

This blog is about the aspirations to that highest of emotions: Happiness. So I shall start with the good news. Dee made a caption for me, sorta, and it is lovely and brilliant and well-made (as are all of the captions she makes) and I can't and won't do anything less that say good things about it! I mean, you probably know how electrifying it is to see something with your name in it in fiction generally, when you can identify with the story and the character a little more because of something as simple and effective as a shared name. Hard to contemplate why that should make a difference but it really, really does. There's something deep to be said about that, I imagine, but I am not the one to say it. Being AS and reading what that means still is fascinating and suggests that people are more likely to identify with characters without the necessity of having one's name in there - simply by dint of recognising one's own approaches and actions (or, in the famous cases of Bella and the one in Fifty Sheds, by dint of the main character having no discernible emotions and reactions, allowing a reader to import their own).

I digress, the point is that there was a caption made and my name was shoved in there and it elicited a series of lovely feelings, because that is how easily influenced I am.

TMI warning, it lapses after a while.

None of this though.

No, I don't get it either.

Speaking of such things, I was delighted to read Terri's May update in which it was shared that clothing had been purchased and worn on day-to-day errands and jobs. That sort of thing is to be commended, politely and without fanfare, because it is just so normal and lovely. So, I'd take my hat off but for the fact that the only one I own is a Soviet police hat and it's hot and it resides at my place of work so I'm not wearing it. Even a friend of mine sharing a very interesting link about men and penises on the Book of Faces gave food for thought as well as providing evidence that, now we are the men, we get to set the idea of what masculinity is and the article suggests that there is much work to be done in removing the barriers of thinking around the male organ and how people perceive their relationship with it. I shall be honest, having a penis means that I am occasionally called upon to look at it and that means I have some views on it.

Apparently.

I'm hairier on the legs. Also, that hand position...

Can't say I recognise it. But, then, I get the impression
that I am somewhat abnormal in this regard.

I can't speak for the penises of others as I haven't really memorised or remembered seeing all that many penises either at school or otherwise. I mean, there were shared changing facilities in PE when I was at school and I always read about the 'japes' that would go on there - but I never recall being part of them. I went in the showers, showered, and I got dried and dressed. I do not recall ever seeing others in the shower - or, at least, not seeing their penises - nor did anyone seek to see mine. To that end I can only really comment on my own. I know that my masturbatory habits are unusual, to say the least, as I have never done more than manipulate the head of the penis and rarely, if ever, pulled back the foreskin. I mean, there was that part that joins the foreskin to the head of the penis that I recall being my first brush, ahem, with masturbation but, apart from that, I've only ever used two or three fingers (including the thumb) to get to the brink, so to speak. I understand that most people use their whole hand and use an actual grip along the shaft. I have also heard that many people with a penis prefer to be stimulated from the bottom up too. I cannot comment on that, it does not work for me.

TMI ends after the break.

Results

Mine. With an image by someone else.
It is... poor. But fitting for here.

So, pootling about on the web, avoiding work, I found a link to the test below and I post my results as a matter of record. You may wish to take this test, you may not. My posting of the results publicly is because I want an area of my life where I hold nothing back (apart from, you know, my actual identity). Basically, by posting these I'm sharing this part of myself with people who may have helpful opinions and with whom I can discuss what this means.

Also, I suspect that some of my friends who visit would want to have a look for themselves - any chance to skew results honestly, right?

Anyway, yes, my results follow but thoughts on what they mean may have to wait longer.






== Results from http://bdsmtest.org/ ==
91% Bondage Receiver

Not mine, but I no longer know the source:
let me know if you do!

Bondage receivers like to be tied up and restrained using rope and/or other attributes (chains, cuffs, spreaders etc) whether for sexual enhancement, for art or just for fun: they enjoy being totally at the mercy of their partner.

80% Experimentalist
Experimentalists want to have tried it all. An open mind an an insatiable curiosity are their key features, and they will rarely form an opinion before they have gathered first hand experience. They often have plenty of fantasies and will actively pursue them to try them out.

80% Submissive
Submissives like to follow. Some like to give control away to their partner, some like to have it forcibly taken from them. Some are submissive only in the bedroom, others are submissive throughout their daily life as well (usually with limitations). Unlike the bottom roles (receiving pain/bondage/degradation), being submissive is more about who decides what happens (and takes the responsibility that comes with it) than about the contents of what happens.

This is just the top three results. There were many more but these three seemed accurate enough. If you're interested then you can see my full results at http://bdsmtest.org/result.php?id=135927

From melissascaptions.tumblr.com - it is a nice place.

New Year Listings

It's time for another post about stuff at the New Year in a vain attempt to try and repay the kindness done to me by others in this here virtual realm. Here, in real life, we had Sierra and Pik over for New Year again. She is pregnant again but, after the miscarriage last time, remains cautious so there are no celebrations just yet. If all goes according to plan they will see the child in August. The elephant in the room for me was thus very much the sexlessness. Tilly has been seen and scanned in a multitude of ways and there's nothing that can be seen anywhere. A consultation with a urologist suggests that this happens from time to time in women as young as my wife and that there's nothing to be done. It could last a week, a month, a year or for the remainder of her life and it'll hurt, he said, and that is a pain. So... not life-threatening but potentially life altering. I'm sure that my training for this moment will be helpful in some way. Maybe not.

So, people who have paid me kindness. This year the top spot goes unquestionably to Rhiannon, whose own journey has progressed so far in a year in which she has had to show such courage and face up to things that I am sure she would rather not have to. The fact is that she has faced up to them and she is making headway and she is doing so despite the pain it causes in order for a brighter tomorrow for everyone concerned. It's inspiring and it is hard for her and she needs supporting. So, if you have any spare time or compassion lying around be sure to shoot it her way. As, amongst all of that, she has found time to say supportive and nice things in return.

Secondly there remains my good friend from across the pond in the form of Leslie-Ann, who remains sensible and erudite and ready to offer the hard word in a soft couching. My thanks and gratitude are as nothing for another year but one day I shall have to make the trip and do something, anything, to show how much she has helped.

Terri remains a wonderful human being, despite what she sometimes may think on her blog. She has provided me with interest and, lately, positively avalanched content that is thought-provoking, thoughtful and just good to read on an evening. For that alone she deserves much in the way of thanks and traffic. Also, the continuing good advice from Calvin and Dee cannot go unmentioned. Although Calvin is pretty much divorced from the blogging world these days he pops back to review his work at his captioning site and to occasionally share his life in other ways. He has also provided much in the way of challenging, honest and thoughtful responses to some of my random musings on here without much in return, and for that he must be thanked. Dee, of course, just remains Dee which is more than many people can claim. Always serious beneath the fun and fun beneath the seriousness, she's like a goth Pinkie Pie and has, as you probably know, an excellent caption blog that is worth a visit.

As ever there are the plethora of wonderful places that keep me going (and less wonderful ones) such as Stana's Femulate and the discussions there. Oh to have posted a photo that I was proud of there! Of course, I wouldn't really be able to because even the ones I like lack my face. That may be why I like them so.

Other places remain Fictionmania, mcstories, GetDare, Milovana and, lately, Ms Cassandra's Playground.

All images are, as usual, people I would not mind being.

For me?

Well, if ever I needed reminding that I have an invisible friend who I believe created the Universe then the events of the last hour or so are probably good enough.

I am a visitor to the talented Timid Tina's blog that specialises in cross-dressed secretary captions. About a month ago I left a very cheeky request there for quite a specific set of circumstances. Today there was a fulfilment, with some rather nice words, and I noted that another captioner had also tried their hand too!

Click on the images below to go and see the rest of their work!

New Year Listings

Last year I posted about some of the wonderful people and places that deserved more than my pithy remarks, but got only them in return for making my life a much nicer place. I intend, because I owe something, to do the same again. The recognition is necessary.

The first of these wonderful people is, as it was last year, Leslie-Ann who has been full of sense and sensibility (my apologies to Jane Austen). Leslie is a great person who has shouldered much in her own life and supported her family in ways that I can only dream of, she has challenged me when I have been too harsh or too black and white and she has been the voice of reason in the heat of my emotion. Equally, she can provide emotion in the deserts of depression. For these reasons alone I would count Leslie as a great friend. Only the separation of a large body of water would stand in the way of us being friends in real life as well as online and so I offer her thanks and gratitude.

Then there is Terri, whose infrequent blog, though infrequent, is a place that I still have a hard time not taking as my own. She has shared many experiences of my own, though we have never known one another or met. For this reason, if for no other, I can recommend going and seeing what she has written about her life and tribulations. I would wish that there were more frequent insights but for the fact that I know that such things are not at the behest of onlookers, only in the gift of the beholder. Thank you, Terri, for sharing what you have and I wish you well in this 2014.

Of course, no write up would ever be complete without Dee and the blog that bears one of the best puns in the TG world. Her insight and attention to the craft and history of captioning is welcome to those such as myself who seek such things. She has created a safe place for the sharing and discussion of ideas that are relevant to our interests and is welcoming to dickheads like myself who blunder in to conversations with little insight and a greater belief in one's own importance and originality.

Of course, there is Calvin, whose journey this last year was mostly shrouded and yet no less inspiring, interesting and challenging for that. We all know of the caption site and some of that journey can be found there and that would be good enough for anyone wanting to know more. Thank you, Calvin, for being you.

There is, of course, Stana whose blog continues to be a place of joy and interest and who has, by the by, put me on her vaunted list of people that she links to. I am deeply honoured, as always. And Rhiannon, whose recent comments here and posts on her blog attest to her tenacity, integrity and struggle. But also her heart and her courage. It is with respect and deference that I name you here dear lady. Ah, there are, in fact, too many to mention and I've been watching Game of Thrones and with a pressured bladder. I shall have to admit defeat and leave the list unfinished.

Then, of course, there are other sites that keep me going that I have mentioned before now. Things like Limited Audience and Contemplating the Divine and Boys who became Girls.

I leave this post with these images, because I should like to be the female in each and every one:

Honoured

This is a short one as the family prepares to check out a new place to live and see what houses we want/can afford and hope that the overlap is there.

I read with some conflicting emotion about Caitlyn/Calvin's good news getting a job and subsequent feeling that their online life was not as much a part of them any more. This means that they will be going on indefinite, potentially permanent, hiatus. This is, of course, all good but for the fact that many readers and online friends will now be bereft of such a character. I make no claims to being an online friend, merely an interested and sympathetic observer to whom Caitlyn/Calvin made insightful comments.

Imagine my honour and surprise when finding that Dee's thoughts on the matter involved me. And, yes, she was right, that is precisely the sort of thing I'd like to wear. I hope she doesn't mind me posting the caption here. Click it to go to the right place to see plenty more!

Some pictures

I've had a night off. I went surfing. I found these:

Not sure if there's actual anal going on here. I like to pretend not,
that it's all about her.

Hell yes. Except in yellow.

Imperception

When things change they change so slowly that one often fails to even notice the change taking place. Without incontrovertible proof, many deny the change even happened in the first place, but there is proof and so I cannot deny that there has been a change.

You are one of God's mistakes

A sensually (mainly visual) sexual caption that mainly plays
on the perceptions associated with masturbation
and sex. It is exciting and I make no bones (ha) about that
but point it out as something of interest.

It is interesting to me how the first entry in this blog, that I shan't link to here, is all about trying to describe and capture a feeling for which I had no name. It was a feeling that I associated with, and was started by, the act of dressing. In this case of dressing in a Regency style dress discarded by my wife. It took the best part of a day, walking through the woods with my Boy strapped to my chest alone, to work out what was even happening with that feeling and to reach the conclusion that I was experiencing happiness. I was at a loss to explain it and merely logged it as something interesting. However, it came in the middle of a deluge that left me wondering about the efficacy of the feeling and the dressing as a whole. In effect, I was certain that I could not reconcile that feeling with the action and that I should strive not to.

This is more... wistful and playful. Just... nice.

After all, the general reaction of others to the pastime of dressing in clothes designed for the opposite gender is one of suspicion and fear and anger. To this day Tilly refuses to talk about the whole thing or to contemplate it. When I think about talking to my vicar about it, as I do sometimes, I am minded of the comment he made the last time (I should point out it was the most positive conversation I had with anyone about cross-dressing) about how he could tell his wife and give Tilly someone to discuss it with. I told him that I would ask. Tilly said she would rather not have anyone else know for my protection. By which she meant that she didn't want to discuss it. And I'm still giving her space on that about two years later.

I'm well aware of how it aches

It's actually really difficult to find pictures of
women in armour that is reasonable. Impossible
it would appear, to find pictures of young girls
dressed as knights for a fancy dress party.
I guess that means that Girlie dressing as a knight
is still more important to social equality than
the Boy dressing in a frock.

However, my own view has changed. At the beginning I was trying to see it all from her point of view. In that, whilst I did not agree that Tilly was right, I did want to try and understand her anger and her fear. I did think that perhaps the reason I was so private and secretive about the whole thing had something to do with the fact that there was something to be private and secretive about. I have blogged about it before. If I don't believe that my cross-dressing is something of a problem then why aren't I outing myself to my children? Why am I not explaining that anyone of any gender can wear a dress? Or trousers?

The fact of the matter is that Tilly is already doing this, but not out of any connection with what I do. My Boy has gone to bed and spent entire days dressed in his favourite piece of dress-up clothing: a white tutu with a frilly skirt. Because, hey, we're modern and hip and challenge gender roles. My daughter has dressed as a knight and rescued princesses (including the Boy) and has cross-played, to neologise, with her friends on numerous occasions. At least as many times as she has showed heteronomative play tendencies. And Tilly, like a good mother, condones these behaviours. I imagine that there is a feeling that the Boy will grow out of it and that the Girlie is merely challenging the patriarchy... well, okay, the latter point is more mine than Tilly's but you get the idea.

Yet you still won't let me in

Ah yes, the Left Behind series. I rather liked the
first adventure-style book. But then... well...
Also, a vengeful God.

And that's the point. Imperceptibly I have changed. I now view my cross-dressing in a much more controlled manner. I may not indulge as often as I like and I may not get the chance to discuss it, or even think about it openly, but I do recognise it as an essentially harmless activity. I have made it a part of me. My vicar said that he doubted it was something that "causes God to shake his head" and he may have had a point. I don't know about that, I really don't: my concept of a loving God goes hand-in-glove with a vengeful God that is in charge of Evil too - what can I say, I like my harshness - so he could well be deciding that my cross-dressing is enough to get me kicked into Hell, damnation or simply stagnation in job-hunting (the latter of which is real, so let's blame it on my cross-dressing because why not).

I don't have that much grey hair, but my boss does have
the same vaguely insincere smile. She's not that young
but she is much younger than I. Does that make me that old?
Probably.

A similar thing is happening at work with my new boss. Having spent most of the first year trying hard to get me out of my job and still being creepily open to me losing part of it, I think she is beginning to realise that I am actually on her side. I am a closed box. I can hear things and listen to people bitch and moan and I have no compunction to share this information with anyone. I remember that a friend of mine, Tim, was dating someone embarrassing back in Sixth Form and asked me not to tell anyone (embarrassing socially for various unkind and unfair reasons, I had no problem with her or the relationship). So I didn't. When he chose to reveal it I was able to act shocked. Afterwards he asked me about my reaction and I told him that he had said that I should act like I didn't know. I had. He was thankful, if confused, that I followed his instructions to the letter. It made it worse when I lied to him about liking Toby a long time later. I digress.

So now I'm breaking down your door

Yeah, that'd be... that'd be good.

Thing is, my boss has now noticed this about me and is using it. She confides about the failings of others in the Department, of her frustrations and her lack of ability to do certain parts of the job. Part of this confidence is down to the fact that I am still under investigation at work and so can't raise any of the issues that she brings to my attention that could get her investigated as I won't be believed. Nevertheless, she has learned that I work for the Department and that my main aim is making sure that things work smoothly and well, even if I am pants at evidencing it later or doing it in a way that a computer can track. I get the job done. I get the outcomes. It isn't pretty and it isn't management based but it works and everyone feels happy about it. To my mind the best management is when people feel supported rather than managed. I get more done that way and people don't even realise that they're doing me a favour. It is not a recognised management style.

What's the point of all of this?

To try and save your swollen face

Partly it is to record my changed feelings on my cross-dressing and the way in which the work environment has shifted a little so that, although it's not brilliant, it is at least better than it was when I started this blog all that time ago.

Though I don't like you any more

But also, nothing has changed.

You lying, trying, waste of space

Acceptance

Joanna. Me. As I appear
on Google+.
Aspirational?

One of the odd upshots of the past few weeks is the comfort I now have with using my Joanna online identity. It has actually become easier posting as Joanna on Google+ than it is to use my actual primary account as myself. Interactions on there with people who only know my alter-ego is easier than most of the conversations that I have online anywhere else and easily more effective and honest than any conversations that I'm having in real life.

What follows is a very brutally honest account of my feelings over death of people close to me. I would strongly advise caution with reading further - it's not for everyone. I am very blunt with death. Very blunt. It may not be a good idea if you have any feelings at all on death or have experienced loss to read on. I take no prisoners. If that refers to you, and it very well might, don't click 'read more' and, instead, have a caption I like to lighten the mood.

This was created by the very talented Friedoline. I think it may be my favourite
production. I don't quite know why. But it has an ephemeral quality that I enjoy.

Narratives and subplots

It is a sad thing to realise that your central narrative rates as little more than a sub-sub-plot of someone else's. That's what happened to me when reading something my mad-ex posted the other day. In it she went through her previous relationships to end on a tribute to her husband. Of course I didn't feature at all, which is fine in one way, but when I think of the tumultuous effect it had on me (check out the posts on her) then I feel a bit short-changed.

I was also going to do something creative tonight, what with Tilly out watching Les Miserables again with the friend she met on NaNo, but so far I have listened to some shit music and... that's it for the last two hours. It's a bit pants even for someone like me who is used to finding nothing to fill time with so that nothing ever gets done. Quite apart from the fact that I could have been doing actual work and thus granting myself some free time to do something when I felt more motivated in the future. Heck, I'm not even taking the opportunity to cross-dress, which is ridiculous considering how little I get to do it.  No, I post something on my other blog from a section of random prose I wrote back in 2005 and then... what?

Then I open powerpoint, of all things, and create... this.

It's a bit... staid? Stereotypical? Pants? They all count.

So, I guess, what would I do to improve this a bit?

And the cat came back

It's been a mad mad month or so. There was the work pants kicking off, which robbed me of evenings quite effectively for a long time, hence my absence. Then there was the madness of a school inspection - during which I went to bed incredibly late and got up incredibly early.

Now, now I am able to have some time. The School Inspection was long and arduous, I was not observed, despite there being a strong hint that I would be coupled with massive pressure from my boss (asking to see my lesson plans, my lesson resources, my marking and so on, to make sure they were 'outstanding' - this pressure is called 'support') and so I do not even have that to support me going forward. However, I do have In the Thick of It that Tilly and I have watched tonight and on Valentine's Day, which was nice. I have had two beers, count them, two. And I have been back on Google+ with my alter ego and it has felt good.

Because I can and I'm tipsy. Go and see Friedoline's
blog, now now now now own wonw nwonw!

So, now tipsy and feeling feminine I shall post here again, and hope that I shall be back again over the next week or so.

New Year Listings

I've been meaning to write a summation of last year and a celebratory post for a while but one thing and another has conspired to keep me away and not writing. That ends!

2012...

I have been touched and honoured to have had mentions by people I consider to be talented and lovely and, well, more focussed on what they give than what they get. The following people are wonderful, in my humble opinion, and have been a great help to me in some bad times for myself either through offering support and advice or through simply being themselves and offering their talents. I realise that I am merely one of thousands, and that most readers of my blog will already know them, but I post them here as recognition of their all-round loveliness, in no particular order:

This is a lovely gift that Dee made for me
 (I still get wibbly when I say that)
and still pushes buttons even though Dee
had no idea what I liked! That's either talent or
I'm justvery easily pleased... either way, I was pleased.

Another one that pushed my buttons.
I like to remove the
last three paragraphs,
but that's just me.

First of all Dee-Mentia, who is lovely. Creator of many captions and conversations that I wish I had more time to take part in. Always game for deeper conversation and discussion or simply light-hearted banter. If you haven't been over there then can I recommend that you do so and have a gander? Do take part in the conversations there. There is no better supporter of community on the web that I have found and I think from my own reading of some very brave individuals that one thing everyone is in need of is a feeling of belonging! I have included two captions by Dee here for illustrative purposes and for completely different reasons! It is through Dee that I got the earworm of 'Garden of your Mind' stuck in my head which I credit with finally breaking my writer's block and allowing me to get involved in NaNo again last year and writing some of the novel that one day I hope to publish.

Secondly there is the epitome of strength and gravity that is Leslie-Ann. I cannot adequately put into words how helpful I have found the advice and support offered from across the Pond. The amount of times that a comment has been made just when I needed it or an e-mail sent. If I could repay even a small amount of that support and help and just, well, interest then I would have done a great thing. My thanks to you, I know I sound all gushing and wibbly, but the fact remains that at some pretty low moments a little bit of understanding and concern has gone a very long way indeed. I would not have met you without this blog and, without your kind invitation to view yours, I would not have learned as much as I have in 2012.

The first caption made for me.
It is... well, I found it to be
beautiful.

I just love what was done with one
of my favourite images.

Thirdly, may I once again introduce the ever-dear Elle who decided out the goodness of her heart to offer me some captions apropos of nothing that were just full of... well, I still can't rightly say. In many ways the two I offer here for illustrative purposes summed up my thoughts at one time or another and they spoke to me in a way that sometimes mere prose cannot. For that alone I am in her debt, especially considering that I lack the talent that is on display in captions - I have made about three so far - and these were... if nothing else, they were very kind. Again, I can recommend that you pop over to the blog in the link above.

Also there is Sveta, whose input to my foray into fiction (which I do still want to continue) was well-timed and very supportive. She has a site of her own, which is in German, but that's no barrier to interesting  prose and thoughtful comment! You were not unnoticed last year, Sveta, vielen dank!

Then there are the people whose blogs I found interesting and supportive simply to know that there were other people who faced similar situations to myself and who had logical thoughts about it. The story of 2012 could be subtitled as the year I found out that I was not nearly so odd and alone as I thought I was. To these people I offer a hearty thanks for posting in your blogs and suggest to the frequenters of this place that you may want to take a look and find what I found.

Terri is first up and an all round nice person. Infrequent, but illuminating posts and just a lovely person. I'm already coming across as enormously sycophantic, so I'll keep this short, but it's a place to visit for me when I need reassurance that there are other people puzzling through the same issues that I am.

Next there is the lovely Rhiannon, whose blog I discovered very late on and is a place that I do not feel qualified to comment. I find the story powerful and the emotions raw. Thank you for posting your experiences and sharing what has happened, you've helped me get through the year if nothing else. If you read this, I of course wish you all the best!

I can't let Caitlyn go without mention. The recent discussion on alter-egos I found to be illuminating, powerful and revealing - from everyone who took part - and, above all, so supportive. I would say this about all the people and blogs I've mentioned, but it especially appropriate here, I am finding that there is not only a sense of community but that people are so supportive of one another. It really is something that one does not see much of out in the real world and so something that I have come to appreciate when posting here or commenting elsewhere or even just lurking and reading. Oh, and a great captioneer too but not the main reason I visit.

I don't usually talk about this side of my compulsion, nor do I intend to make this more of that kind of blog, but in a review of my year, and in trying to be honest, I suppose it's fine. In terms of captions, the following sites I offer for your consideration:

Fredoline: boys who became girls

Just a lovely place to get lost in. I append one of my favourites above.

Servitor: Contemplating the Divine

Another place I enjoy visiting.

Kim: Tight and Shiny

Not what you may expect, but I do go there now and then.

I expect you already know about Fictionmania; Limited Audience; Sissy Kiss and Rachel's Haven.

And that will have to do for now, the Boy is up.

How to be invisible

Eye of braille / hem of anorak / stem of wallflower / hair of doormat

It was while I was at a parents' meeting at the Daughter's kindergarten that I realised some things.  In the discussion I found that I had some things to say at some point and so attempted to getr attention, like everyone else, by raising my hand - this failed and eventually I gave up.  When I left, early, I had to push past about seven people to leave.  Now, there had been another couple who left slightly before I did, they pushed past no one and everyone said goodbye to them as they went.  No one even noticed I'd gone.

I have this effect, I am the anti-charisma.

Also, we've been co-sleeping... Tilly has been co-sleeping with the Boy since birth.  She got bored of feeding him to sleep.  So now she's on the sofa while I help wean him off boobs.  So far so normal, I guess, no worries.  Here's the kicker: she's banned me from alcohol until she's back in the bed.  This quite apart from the fact that she's been drinking and co-sleeping before now.  Or the fact that tonight she's out clubbing (granted, she deserves the night) and has been drinking.

When I think of how long I couldn't drink, still can't, at gatherings because I'm the driver and how little I drink when I do drink I get a little mad.  There are five wine bottles that are empty over the last week and one beer bottle - all drunk by Tilly.  For me?  Three beer bottles.  That's because we had company, I know, usually it's one.  Over the course of any given week Tilly gets through about two bottles of Rose lately.

I feel... emasculated I guess.  Heh, shouldn't be a problem, right?


It's from contemplating the divine, you should go there.

Look Ma! Captions!

I appear to be obsessing over Rachel's Haven at the moment.  Where I have made some captions.  On powerpoint...  Last chance before work Hell arrives this Thursday, when I'll have to lie to one place to make money elsewhere - not fraud, just lying.  I hate lying.

Things is otherwise good.

Positivity

Given how the week began I was so not expecting happiness at any point.  So, the fact that there have been some really nice things going on for me since Monday is all the more delightful and surprising.

Firstly, I was hanging around a little more on Rachel's Haven and doing what I usually do with a new social place: posting more or less at random as the fancy took me.  I didn't have much to say, and my posting wasn't anywhere near as quick as it has been in some other places in the past, but it meant that a few hours snatched before bed were a little more fun.  If it is possible to post shyly on forums then I was doing that.

All of sudden, Elle posted a nice PM, which I didn't get for a while, and then blow me if they didn't make me a lovely little caption.  Given how incredibly giddy I got when I was last made a caption it is, perhaps, unsurprising that I was made very giddy again.  I posted my thanks and then they posted back their pleasure that I had enjoyed their work, so far so standard, but they referred to me as 'Bex'.  I don't know what possessed me to use that moniker on the forum (my username is something I'm more universally known as online) but it wasn't in a terribly obvious place, so the kind Elle had picked it up and had somehow intuited its status.  Now, I had all but forgotten the status, I think I've mentioned it on here before though.  I had forgotten how much I liked the name, I have Toby to thank for it, but... Yeah, it put me in a ridiculously good mood.

Yeah, about the right age but the person in question doesn't
wear glasses.  Still, I tend to quail in the presence of
angry or defensive people and do all I can to diffuse the
situation.

Then there was the observation of my teaching by someone that has been putting me under a lot of undue pressure this year with the support that isn't support.  I was hot and tired and the students, not all of them, weren't exactly helping.  It's not like they were being badly behaved or anything, I just had a couple of students that have reached the point of being 'lumps'.  So I was gloomy about the outcome and paranoid that an observation would be used to keep the support going for other motives (read: the member of staff in charge doesn't like me very much).  This gloominess persisted despite the 'Bex' reference.  Imagine my surprise when my feedback today, two days after being observed so a bit of a wait, was mostly positive!

Go here.

Coupled with a student who is leaving, as are all Upper Sixth Formers, to do their exams at the end of the week popping by with a card and a present (I don't get many of those - something about my manner means I get lovely testimonials about how much I've changed peoples' viewpoints and challenged them to think in new ways but rarely get presents and cards), this is a good day!  It's been lovely weather, very warm and sunny, I burned some money to make a point with a class (I know, cheaply done) and Iron Sky is on tomorrow night at a local cinema.


I'm almost afraid to say it in case I jinx it, but life is good at the moment.  It doesn't take much, does it?  But, yeah, I'm good.  Life is good.  Don't happen often so I'll say it here as it does!

Positivity

The purpose of this blog was to record my happiness when dressed, but I haven't been doing much of that lately and so the undeniable happiness that I feel when dressed isn't really peeking through.  In the New Year I resolved to try and be more positive, and lately that has been hard.  It's not that things have been going wrong or that I'm under a particularly unusual set of circumstances, but it is an uphill struggle and I do feel more comfortable being negative about myself and what I do.  However, there are plenty of positives that have happened in the last week and the last few days in particular.  So, here's what's been making me happy lately:


We're really lucky because the woods we have look a lot like these woods
do and they look pretty. My Daughter and I ended up running through them
back to our kingdom because the wind was hunting for us. Also,
blackbirds provided musical accompaniment.

1.  Going for a walk in the woods with my daughter.  Not just because we had a good time, but also because of the way it came about and the aftermath.  She was getting all fractous, as three-year-olds are wont to do, and I suggested we go on an adventure.  She, surprisingly, agreed and we wandered off into the woodland round where we live (we're lucky like that - it's why I bought the house).  She directed us down a bridle path and I thought "I'm always going on about myth-making and stories, I should make one up here".  So I did.  I already have a working mythos for the woods from when I was taking my son round every evening in Summer, so I simply added a new character: Princess Eowyn (yes, based on my daughter).  She went to see the giants (there's an old quarry, I've previously set it up as a place where giants live with my daughter and there's a dragon that sleeps there sometimes too) and met up with her friend Gwendoline who was out hunting pigs.  Long story short, my daughter loved it, we went looking for dragons to have tea with and then we were both knights on the way home, all at the suggestion of my little girl.  That made me very happy.  Her too.

She's very good. And kind!

2.  Having a caption request made by Tiffany, who is fab at captions.  Given the vague nature of the image request I am amazed that she could make anything at all.  But she did.  And I was first on the list of captions!  This makes me ridiculously happy!  I mean, it's not having fun with my daughter happy but it's still happiness.
Given that my plot synopsis was somewhat... specialised, I'm amazed that she managed to find any image that would work.  I'm really made up by the fact that I requested something and it was made.  Ridiculous, I know, but still.

3.  Getting a 'spike' in the reading stats on this blog - sad but true, I am genuinely made happy and all wibbly inside by that.  Also, I have more followers.  One of them is the incredibly talented Miss Simone - whose blog I only found a couple of nights ago.  I'm honoured by that but also by people who wish to follow the blog.  It makes me happy to think that I'm posting things that other people find vaguely interesting, enough to actually see whan I update.


4.  Snuggling Tilly on Friday night.  She didn't respond, apart from enjoying herself, but it was nice to get all up close and have some physical contact again.  Okay, she complained about the prickly nature of my beard the next time I tried on Saturday, and again today, but it still beats the complete drought that I was experiencing previously.  We do seem to have talked more recently and I've even spoken about having a blog.  I'll be honest, I haven't told her what I write on here, but I did share that it had been helping me be positive lately.  There's a definite cycle in my posts here - I start positive, then it goes down a bit, then there's a tirade of self-obsessed wallowing and then it starts again.  I guess it's helping to see that?

Tilly at her best (stock image,
not actually Tilly)

5.  Tilly being successful.  She set up and ran an entire fair last weekend and is now already planning the next two.  She has new product ideas to support her magazine, which is also running smoothly despite the best efforts of a printer getting things wrong, and has created a strong network of people who help support her.  In essence she is living as a true anarcho-socialist: in that everyone makes money from the ventures that are being run, but they work co-operatively rather than in competition with one another.  Something that I've been striving to do for a long time and Tilly has now achieved.  Now, I would be lying if I said I wasn't jealous, but I am happy that she has managed this.

It's been a bit like this.  With more running.  And me not
looking anywhere near as pretty.  Check out the watch!

6.  Sorting out the crap at work.  There's a colleague having a really bad year of it and supporting him has been very difficult.  However, the fact that this last week has worked and been generally successful has been down to the hard work that I have put in.  I feel happy that my efforts have allowed other people to function like nothing is different and at the same time run a slick full day organisation (that won't run until Tuesday, but the build up has been far less stressful) and all the other things that normally happen.  I mean, sure, I'd have liked more help in making all of that happen, but I won't begrudge it on the grounds that it becomes all my work.  I think everyone likes something that they invest in creatively working or providing what it was supposed to provide.  I feel good that my creative energies over the last week did what they were supposed to.  On that note, I guess I also feel happy about making my own (and my first) caption.  It's no novel and it has a typo, but I made it and it looks passable.  I don't think I'll be making more but it did give me one way of shifting that writer's block that's haunted me since August last year!