Goodbye 2025

Red is festive, right? This here is my 'festive' 
look. Which is to say... it's red. 

N.B. New trainers! 

It's time to review the year. Didn't do this last year, so doing it now will be a nice change of pace. Also, well, it's been a strange year. The start was very much a flow from the one before and the early part of the year not that much different to what had become routine. Then there was summer and that was lovely and hot and fun and then there was August and that changed so much in terms of what I was doing with myself and what I chose to lean into a bit more and then, from that, there was September and... the last part of the year has been... somewhat intense actually.

So, I guess, on with the show. Not posting any of this to Facebook because... well, it's all a bit TMI this year isn't it. 😳😳😳

That's your warning by the way: this whole post is TMI. Bail now if you don't wanna see that.

1. What did you do in 2025 that you’d never done before?

Oh! Well now, this year that is quite the question, isn't it. 😳🫣

- Started HRT
- Started Laser on my faaaaaaaaaaaaaace
- Leaned in to being Little
- Took a mighty risk in a kink space
- Experienced quite a bit of stuff: cornertime, spanking, scolding... in a new way

2. Did you keep your new years’ resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

Reviewing 2023, the last time I did this, I have actually minimised my five o'clock shadow. BUT as some ne'er-do-wells very deliberately sang as they passed me waiting to drive my bus yesterday: "talks like a man, walks like a man" - so, work to be done.


3. Did anyone you know give birth?

Not that I know of, getting to that age


4. Did anyone close to you die?

Surprisingly, actually, no. I suspect next year will have a couple.


5. What countries did you visit?


Oo, I actually went to the Netherlands this year. I know, scary. I had two actual holidays - not sure Yorkshire counts as a coountry, no matter how much it wants to be.


6. What would you like to have in 2026 that you lacked in 2025?

So, back in 2023 I said I wanted HRT. Got that this year. Watertight roof? Less so - so still that.

Nerdy Bunny in Amsterdam.

I would still love a romantic partner, who wouldn't? But I fear this is further away than ever before. And I really can't complain having gained a sister and a relationship in a kink space.

7. What date(s) from 2025 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

11 January - I began HRT
20 January - first holiday in a very long time, at least 5 years 🤔

10 May - I met Ace!!!!!

20 September - an interesting start 😳

26 October - oh, having a sister isn't just a joke shared between two people. Oh. OH ☺️

4 November - a what now? 🫣

22 December - am I an attention seeker? Why yes, yes I am

Huh, even less this year than 2023...

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Pass. Not cos there haven't been any but because I'm not sure what counts as mine. I guess I can count gaining a Little Sister - though, frankly, I didn't do much for that. It's easily one of the most powerful points of the year, but I feel I didn't do much of the work, you know?


9. What was your biggest failure?

Two-parter this one. Beginning something for someone else that I ought not to have done and didn't pull out of doing in time and then not spotting the culmination of that moment later on. Like many of my failures, easy to spot in hindsight, hinted at whilst it was taking place, but I ploughed on regardless. I'm not proud of myself, it'll take a while to process yet.


10. Were you seriously ill during 2025?

I think I had a couple of colds, nothing awful. Again, I seem to be really rather healthy these days. 🤷‍♀️

See what I mean???

Like, the LLI dress was very Infants, but
this? This is very pre GCSE.

Add a blazer and it could be older still.

I do like the socks.

11. What was the best thing you bought?

School uniform 🫣 - two skirts, multiple blouses, cardigan and summer dress

Honestly, that's it. No other purchases need detain us here. I challenged myself to have fun and I already knew that this was a thing cos of previous brushes with the concept and idea. What I wasn't quite prepared for was how much it felt like home. Buying the stuff felt like a huge step and a little embarrassing but wearing it was... home. I shared about the summer dress that I bought already but it was an equivalent (if not as powerful) feeling to when I came out to myself or when I went out as myself for the first time just for a walk (not July 2021 or the subsequent visit to Chams, more like that first walk to IKEA in March or April 2022). It was a surprisingly welcome feeling, like I'd found another facet of myself. And, yes, part of that is wrapped up in being 'Little' or 'Middle' too. I've felt like I did in Top Infants, so around 7, and I've felt like I did pre GCSE, so around 13, dressed in these purchases and both of them have felt powerfully familiar and homely. I can't explain better than that, but had I not taken the plunge and bought these items, I would never have felt that. Maybe the Hallowe'en costume could rank here too, come to think of it. But no, nowhere near as intense as the uniform stuff and much less use, so not as good a purchase.

12. Whose behaviour merited celebration? (in no particular order)

My children, obviously
Abbi - continuing to be a good friend whose support I honestly couldn't do without
Shiona, Gary and Tim - this is getting repetitive but, yes, support and openness
My Mum - who continues to show what a difference parents can make on a trans-journey even when the struggles are real and I am confusing.

All of which repeats verbatim what I said in 2023, but none of which is untrue of this year.

I guess I can now add Little Sis to the mix as well, in the short time we've been chatting I have seen her do some pretty amazing stuff. And I feel pivileged to have been let in to see it.


13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed?

Still me. No changes there. I struggle with things and I still keep putting my feet in stuff - hence the new trainers 🤭 But, seriously, I have hurt people I didn't mean to hurt, upset people that could have done without the upset, and continue to not really know where is best to throw some of the stuff that sloshes around my head 😞

Here it is too.

14. Where did most of your money go?

Finally sorting out the bathroom and plastering. That was somewhat expensive - but still under what I budgeted so... no biggie. A not insubstantial amount has gone on trying to have fun too (see best purchases above).


15. What did you get excited about?

- 20th September
- 4 November
- Having a sister (who came to stay!)
- York
- Meeting Ace

- Moving my desk into my room so I'd use it.

- Making and eating salads (I know, I know)

16. What songs will always remind you of 2025?

Wardruna - Himmindottir
Heilung - Anoana (live)
Depeche Mode - Broken
Anything from EPIC - the musical honestly

Death in Vegas - Aisha

Fever Ray - Now's the only time I know and I'm Not Done (Therapy Session)

Apashe ft. Geoffrey - Distance

Pet Shop Boys - Hit Music

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder?
I think I'm happier.

ii. thinner or fatter?
Thinner actually, believe it or not.

iii. richer or poorer?
Richer, in quite a few ways. Possibly less well off cash wise? Hard to say accurately.

This is back in July for goodness'
sake!

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?

- Writing and art work at my school desk (it's my old childhood desk, but a legit school desk)
- Reading books
- Playing, just playing
- Living in the moment - but the fact I've done that a bit is more than I used to
- Travelling
- Cooking, but I always say that cos I like cooking

- Indulging those new fun pastimes I accessed this year 😳🫣

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?

- Solo adult happy fun times, but I seem to have mostly got that back under control
- Waiting for things to happen and be done after setting them in motion
- Negative introspection
- Sitting alone

20. How did you spend Christmas?

Alone. I didn't do much either.


21. How many one night stands?

As many as I usually have. Which is to say: none.


22. Did you fall in love in 2025?

No - I mean, not like that. I guess I loved the school uniform schtick? And buying some toys. Does adopting a sister count here? 🤔I feel I've maybe already covered it. Does allowing myself to accept that I love my friends count? Hmm, no, the question implies romantic love or something new.


23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?

No.


24. What was your favourite TV programme?

The Good Place being the only thing I watched.
I mean, I rewatched stuff like Firefly and Black Books and I still like those 🤔🤷‍♀️
I did kick my YouTube habit though, latterly, so... that's good?

25. What was your greatest musical discovery?

EPIC - the musical - still good.

26. What was the best book you read?

Stone and Sky - Ben Aaronovitch - it continues a series I love, shows some serious growth in how he writes characters (and really showcases the fact that he has brought in a suite of sensitivity readers too - which I love him for doing, good move). Also, not gonna lie, it had me feeling things I wasn't expecting in places and that... that's new. 😳It edges out Cumbria's Prehistoric Monuments cos I like fiction, but also cos the latter won't have the full power til I get a chance to go visit a few of the sights it mentions again and some for the first time. Not a fault of the book, to be fair.

My reading has somewhat stalled this year, but in its place I have been chatting to people online and feeling connected again. Mostly. Kinda. The intense opening has now faded, as it is wont to do, so I might start taking books with me to work again. Or actually scribbling writing down. I have started writing again a bit so... 

27. Are you happy with your lot?

Even harder to give a proper answer than back in 2023. 🤔 I guess I mostly am, yes. I am on HRT, I have had laser. I have a new relationship. A couple perhaps. And I'm active in ways I never thought possible. That said, I still have a job that has violently anti-social hours that seems to actively conspire against me and am bitter about not being able to use my qualifications and skills. 🤷‍♀️ I also remain quite lonely.


28. What did you want and get?

Some glimpses of happiness for me and being let in to see it in others.


29. What did you want and NOT get?

More than I am comfortable admitting, but the fact I know is interesting 🤔


30. What was your favourite film of this year?

Hmm. I actually enjoyed watching Zootroplis 2 this year with the boys, a surprisingly decent film. Is it my favourite this year? Not really. I actually think that goes to Wake Up Dead Man - the latest Knives Out vehicle. Watched it with my Mum when she came to visit and enjoyed it immensely. Great fun and very silly.

Also really enjoyed rewatching Chitty Chitty Bang Bang and Mary Poppins. Now want to get hold of Bedknobs and Broomsticks again.

And this is April - my 'Little' fashion concept
I only really leaned into in Summer, but seems
to have been active all year 🤷‍♀️

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

Literally nothing. I was 45.

Oh, but I did get to go shopping with Abbi around my birthday and we got some fab things from Lucy and Yak so... there's that.


32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

More interaction with new relationships, I kept it coy, don't worry 😬🤭🫣


33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2025?

Little 🤷‍♀️ Occasional forays into 'posh middle-aged bird'.


34. What kept you sane?

Doing some art again, that felt nice

Reading books

Rediscovering the ability to listen to music on the move

😳🫣Kink stuff 🫣😳

Many chins and attempted 'posh bird'
from February

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

Do I even have serious celebrity crushes? Athena in EPIC maybe, but she's animated and not real.


36. What political issue stirred you the most?

Arguing against Reform.


37. Who did you miss?

My children.

38. Who were the best new people you met?

My new sister, maybe also my Mummy - hard to be coy here 🫣


39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2025

Leaning in can bring rewards but can also be quite... intense.


40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:

At school they taught me how to be
So pure in thought, and word, and deed
They didn't quite succeed.
For everything I long to do
No matter when, or where, or who
Has one thing in common, too
It's a sin.

Father forgive me, I tried not to do it
Turned over a new leaf, then tore right through it

- It's a Sin, Pet Shop Boys, 1986 

Christmas 2025

Yes, I am aware this is not Christmassy 
in the slightest. Ask me if I care. 

I do not. 

What ho, fair internet denizen. You have come across my corner of the internet again. It has been Christmas. What news? Why, fellow internetizen, I have little. Oh, what has changed since the last post? Not a great deal. I managed to miss getting in the right food amounts for the destive period following my Mum coming down. I got a bit distracted and had enough for in for her and I to have a meal of the Christmas variety but utterly forgot to get in basics for me like breakfast and meals enough for the bank holidays. Stupid shift times meant that, by the time I realised on the way back from work on Christmas Eve, it was already too late. It's meant being creative - like today with Middlest having a fish, potatoes, carrots and sprouts meal. It's... well, it's very me.

Equally, yesterday was... Not my greatest achievement. I managed a lovely bath, which I ruined by adding cold water and then, when I got in, it was still gritty from the plastering. I hope that the bath did the do in clearing it though, so that'll be nice for next time. And I fully intend to take my mermaid Barbie for a spin with my bath dinosaurs. I've been telling myself the dinosaurs were for Youngest when he used to come and have baths, but he never does any more and it's been over two years and, in those two years, I think I might have got myself to the point that I can admit that I wanna play dinosaurs in the bath again. Anyway, yes, the bath was fine rather than lovely. Then I got out, threw on my bra and dressing gown and... stayed like that all day watching the Good Place that I have never before watched on my Mum's Netflix log in cos she was out all day.

I managed to play some Barbies and... I think I might be a bit broken somewhere inside. And in very specific ways. But that can wait for after a line break later on! I did manage to get some playing done and even managed to eat both a lunch and make a stir fry thing with coconut rice for my tea. Mostly I sat under a blanket and vegetated to Netflix and ate a whole tray of biscuits. No contact from children, a couple of short phone calls from my Dad (he was on the road to visit his Mum who may not make it this season) and a short one from my Mum where she, again, needed supporting and comforting as she cried at me for not being able to visit me. She was fine though, was round a friend's most of the day - it's a tradition - and had had good food and company all day. I tried to message friends, think I was mostly successful. But it was Little Sis who was in contact most of the day over text.

And that's my lot, the rest is work. Well, apart from the TMI coming up...

Okay, here's the line break below...

Catch Up

Psst, I'm still here.

It's been a while. Um... so... lots happening. In some senses. Not a lot in others. I missed the Chams Christmas fuddle by dint of being at work early the next day. Had a week or so of getting up at 0130 for some reason, and going to bed between 1800 and 1900 in order to compensate. Or the other way around 🤔

Yesterday Abbi was able to visit. Itself after some fraught waiting. She was feeling bruised by that Monday and I had picked up on that at the time but not worked properly or hard enough to fix the issues. Nevertheless, she was able to voice her concerns and I was able to listen and reassure. So she came over. We still didn't manage to play but we did have have fun and plenty of good discussion and exchange Christmas gifts. We ate, we discussed, we shared - it was fun. Connectedly, I have an opportunity for a photo experience and... I think I may use it. A day with a make up artist, a professional dresser and a professional photographer with a complimentary print for £25? I'd be daft not to. Do I dare? I mean... no, I don't. But for £25 I can probably leave that worry at the door. It was nice to eat and chat and actually listen to Abbi. I enjoyed it. ☺️

But I cannot deny that the last however long since the last post has been difficult. Because it has been. My own issues can trigger things in others and those others can then need their own support. But... You know what? I chose to lean in. I chose to have a Little Sister, for example, and my wish to support is naturally flowing from that. If I have gained nothing else from what's been going on in my life in the last few months, then this is more than enough. I would do it all again.

Christmas beckons, as it always does, and I am no fan of the season nor the rushing around. It's like everyone has birthdays on the same day and my executive function simply isn't up to the task of organising it all. So it is that, this year, I am worse off than last but, hopefully, things have arrived more or less on time, even if I have failed miserably to organise parcels and whatnot like I did last year. I can't claim that I have been good at all with gifts this year. But, I am planning now to try and make 2026 a little bit more functional than 2025 has been. Not that this year has been particularly bad, it hasn't, but my organisation has taken a bit of a hit with some pretty positive things going on.

The Christmas season's shifts are awful, truly, so whilst I get plenty of time off (and I can't complain, I do) I am working either side of the main Bank Holidays so I can't go anywhere or do anything. Not that such things were really in the offing anyway, but... Yeah. I did rather mess up the last couple of times I went places for Christmas so another year alone may be for the best. And, like, this year I have learned some new ways to have fun and I intend to use that experience going forward.

Antici-

It was an odd and quite lonely week leading up to Little Sis's visit. I'm not used to feeling that quite the same way. Mind you, it came on the end of a previous pretty lonely week so...

There you go, event branding and 
everything. 

We only had one go at the booth... 
we were in the same house. Photos 
were easy.  

Let me explain, following the plays I didn't see either of my younger children until the following Sunday and then one after the other. Then it was early shifts and not much done in the afternoons. It meant that I didn't really get to check in with the people I am now used to seeing and talking to on a regular basis cos the afternoons are quiet. By the time people are active, cos early shifts, I am heading to bed. Which sucks. On the Wednesday a parcel arrived with some fun things in that I deployed in anger on Sunday at the LLI Event though, and that was fun, and I also got to hang out with Little Sis on video call for a few hours in the morning - which I hadn't realised I needed quite so much!

Abbi has been struggling with things and so we hadn't managed to touch base for two weeks either, which had been far more trying than I think I gave it credit. Having Middlest over on the Wednesday afternoon just meant that I couldn't really use the day for anything. It was thus a busy couple of days at work and prepping for Little Sis visiting meaning that I was somewhat stressed on the Saturday with its mega long shift.

Luckily(?) her train was delayed, allowing me to get changed into something better befitting a big sister picking up her little sister and then trog on down to the railway station blasting Anoana by Heilung in my earphones. When I arrived the station was deserted and so I risked a sing-a-long with my eyes closed and dancing. Only to open them and find a fellow not three feet from me grinning ear to ear. "Good show that, gimme another!" he orc-ed at me. No idea why he was there, after I pointedly ignored him he threw some insults and then left the station.

Little Sis arrived, we embraced, and then marched back to mine. It was a fantastic evening, even if I did get all worried and thus didn't fully embrace the fact that my little sister was in my house properly. Still, we shared histories on chat logs, which was fun for her (a little sad for me) and then retired to bed at 3am - eek! She is used to this and thus, in the morning, was raring to go to LLI and I struggled to function properly. Nevertheless, we managed breakfast and despite some bus horror we managed to make the venue on time and were actually first there (but nowhere near first in the queue somehow). Bit of stress for me when I found I couldn't see my ticket but it was all sorted.

I found these on my fridge Sunday morning,
Little Sis had sneakily put them there when
I wasn't looking.

I didn't hug the one on the left when I got home
from dropping her at the station and stopping
off at Abbi's... Nu uh.

Cos I am rational and normal.

Not as huge as last time, but that's because I already had my little sister and already knew that was a thing. More to the point, knowing that, I was able to fall back effectively into my role and ensure she had a good time. It made it fun, just not as manic as Hallowe'en. I got some lovely compliments that people didn't know they were paying and mostly stayed awake enough to have fun. But, in all honesty, that my little sister was having fun and coming back to stay at my place afterwards was far bigger and more momentous than anything on the day. We had Chinese and then had an early night. We shared the bunk beds both nights, obviously she had the top one. And the morning was full of fun too. It was actually really hard to wave her off on the train.

I managed to meet up with Abbi at last too, which was great. Though I did my usual splurge and, as usual, forgot to listen and let her have a turn. When I got home it was... empty. I've been lonely before, for about two weeks beforehand as well, but this was different. The loneliness over the last three weeks is sharper because of the fact that I am genuinely missing someone and the emptiness was because Little Sis had been there to... well... fill my home. She had brought gifts for Christmas and... and I was not prepared for the amount of thought and care that she had put into their choosing. I can't communicate it by listing what she got, it was just... she had really thought about them. And gone out of her way to find them. And, crucially, they were from her too. No, it really brought home the fact that Chosen Family is as real as Family and that... well, we were sisters.

-pation

Thus the last couple of days have been harder than usual. An empty house, lacking something. Busy and frustrating shifts. Long lonely hours between. It's been hard to arrange to see children. So I don't get to see them. Standard stuff from Tilly.

Capping it all off, there was an incident on my bus today. Someone fell. I suspect bad things will happen to me as a consequence, they usually do. I pay for good things one way or another. And the huge good of the weekend must be paid for somehow. A fortnight of failure (or so, maybe closer three weeks now) is drawing to a close - will it go for four weeks? Well, yeah, obviously. I tried to sort something out yesterday, spreading good to more than one person and... it went badly. It was an exhausting and frustrating process that irritated the target, upset me and yielded no apology for the bad behaviour I had been attempting to ameliorate. In short, a frustrating day that provided no pay-off but a burned bridge. I achieved nothing.