Res Nihili

Treat yo'self!

Something I was unaware of was a thing

Busy week got busier. I need to learn how to say no more or at least some times. I've agreed to work 65 hours in total at driving buses and am at 41 hours so far. I have also marked a large amount of papers and looked after my team. It's been... well, it's been busy and looks set to get busier as I push myself to the weekend. The children are away for ten days with Tilly seeing her parents, so I guess it's best to make use of the space to do overtime and extra work so I'm not trading seeing them for that. I have booked a week off soon and the pay for that is an average of the last 8 weeks so extra hours now will pay off twice. Plus, some extra hours inamongst that which have not been budgeted for gifted me the opportunity to have some take out tonight as I marked - I am not complaining.

I got changed from work clothes into... uh...
work clothes to do some marking.

I held a tissue because of hayfever. Didn't
realise that would make it into shot. Or that a
ponytail makes me look more male than not.

I also finally succumbed to my inner splurger and bought some items I have been umming and ahhing over for a while - arguably most of my life actually - but some money from my bank allowed me to do so without having to dig into any savings or extras. It looks as though the examining will actually pay for the matrimonial roof in part and leave me enough from last year's examining efforts to sort my bathroom at any rate, and my extra work hours ensure that I may actually cover the bills in the meantime. In essence meaning that I shan't need examining to plug financial holes over the course of the year - which would be nice. I also have enough saved over the last year to pay for the long weekend away with friends at BOYL in August, so that's nice.

Wagons fallen off, however, which is irritating on some level, but perhaps more than it should be. I didn't get chance to have a decent ale on Saturday last as I managed to lose my bank card again - it was in trying to pay I noticed its absence. Bugger. No chances for ale until my week off. Also means I have not managed to see Abbi at all, apart from briefly passing one morning as she walked to work and I drove a bus. I have also singularly failed to book myself in to sort out nails or have my piercings looked at. Coming up eleven weeks now!

I have finished reading Red River and it was worth reading. I liked it less as it got closer to the present day and the author, understandably, felt less able to fictionalise. I am now deep into Wolf Hall - something Tilly urged me to read once. Well, I'm doing so now. It's not bad, but heavy and I can see how avoiding it back in 2009-11 was a good idea, let alone afterwards. Also I now see all the bits Tilly tried to tell me about as if it were from reasearch. I think I'm reading it quicker than she did, which makes sense, I'm taking five minutes here and there as I work and she had one then two small children.

Right, time to get a later night (9pm, ridiculous) and prepare for marking in the morning followed by 13 hours at work (also madness) finishing at midnight.

Truth and Lies

Monday. Note daisy. 

The war was lost / the treaty signed

Both of my boys were round this week, not together of course, and had varying amounts of fun. Youngest struggled at the inhibiting factor of Tilly - not that she was doing so actively - but he will. He's stopped asking to stop overnight now, I suspect it won't be long before he stops asking to stay longer or be here on his own. That's not to denigrate Tilly, by the way, just an observation. I turned down some extra hours in order to see them both and, also, keep going with the marking - which I have finished the first contract of this evening after a phonecall with my Mum. Saw Abbi and Alex on Wednesday afternoon as well, which was lovely - I was even fed a soup creation by Abbi and I am never going to turn my nose up at such things. I have not cooked. I mean, I've warmed pies and battered fish and chicken up in the oven with chips and it's been decent meals and filling, but not cooking.

Views from viaducts

I was not caught / I crossed the line

Whilst driving today, in the sunshine, I was reflecting on things. I am seriously considering spending a fair bit of cash money on things solely and selfishly for me - not for sharing - and wondering about it. I have come to the conclusion that, in my life at least, people what have bought me the kinds of gifts that significant partners buy for significant partners have never managed to get it quite right where I am concerned. I mean, they tried, but in each of the three cases I have on record they have stumbled to the precipice of what I want and either decided not to continue, knowing where it leads or decided that not knowing is preferable and then withdrawn entirely. Well, okay, third option: never getting to the precipice. That was Terry. Tilly decided she'd rather nor know, Toby decided not to continue. So, if I want the sort of thing that most people expect from significant others then I am going to have to purchase it myself.

Ah, shit, I've been seen taking a selfie...

I live among you / well-disguised

I am not 'putting myself out there' nor looking really. I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm open to meeting the right person but I'm doing nothing to make it happen. If I ever did. I'm still recovering from my time with Tilly and getting sacked from teaching, so I recognise I'm damaged goods, I'm not what anyone else is looking for right now. If I ever was. Not for the first time someone pointed out that I seem to be in need of a dominant - they aren't wrong. But I've hung around the sort of community with Dommes and Doms and subs for a long time now in varying online spaces. I know that there is a shortage of Dominants and that... Basically put: no one who is a bit dominant is looking for someone like me. And I don't blame them. Add to that the recent... disappointment with my single foray and... Yeah, to get anywhere one has to go and look, put oneself out there. And... it's not the right time now and perhaps never will be.

This story's told with facts and lies

The workplace intranet needs a profile pic
you say? Oh well, can't find a decent photo
so I'll take an awful selfie right now.

Plus I have friends and a job. In August I'm staying with Tim, Gary and Andrew to play with Warhammer stuff and have a good time. I have booked time off, squirrelled away money and savings to pay for it and then some. Hopefully this time I remember to pack all of my gear! I need to ensure I have sorted my nails - the professional job has been nice but now, a broken nail down, I need to have it taken off in a way that allows me to paint my own nails afterward. I suspect some damaging grinding is in my future, which would mean at least another professional job before reverting - the problem with me rashly agreeing with Five's suggestion of acrylic overlays. This is the problem with me attempting to flirt, I agree to things I shouldn't. Speaking of which, I still haven't had the full follow up appointment for my piercings and the left ear oozed water and blood Wednesday morning (because of course it did). Seems fine now, but it did scare me a bit. My Mum's coming down on the week I have booked off, which is when I was hoping to book in to sort my nails and maybe even try out a leg waxing. Maybe not.

Your victory was so complete

There were lies in my last post. I would happily live my entire life in something that I will swear blind is infrequent and irregular. I'm not going to, of course, such things are costly and societally dangerous - any such indulgence from people who are not billionaires is to be punished - but this is a place of truth, even truths that paint me in a bad light or are likely to make friends less inclined to stay in touch, and some friends read this place (I think, hard to tell if all of them still do, I wouldn't blame them if not). My Mum reckons I was living with domestic abuse and that the current situation with Youngest is similar - but she would reckon that so... That said, I have clearly gained some baggage for good or ill - I really struggle with the idea that anyone would want to treat me or that anyone would want to do so once they found out what I wanted. I genuinely believe that what I want is so transgressive that no one would want to provide it for me. Thing is: am I wrong? I don't think so. It shouldn't weigh as heavily as it clearly does. I mean...

Before...

The high indifference / some call fate

I live as myself. I get to wear the clothes I always wanted to wear. I do so in public, regularly: I get to wear a skirt if I please and no one pays it the least bit of mind. I have long hair, I can wear flowers in it and sometimes do. I get to wear proper shoes, real trainers. At work I wear a blouse and skirt and a nametag that says 'Joanna' on it. People refer to me in the third person as 'she/her' and all my work-mates only know me as Joanna - no one knows anything about my past except what I choose to reveal. When I go shopping I am myself, I pay with cards that have my name on them, and I am comfortable in a way I have never been in my life before inhabiting a societal space that is designated 'woman'. And yet... I am hyper-aware of what doesn't fit, what is incongruent. Not that it gets in my way, it doesn't and I am happy with who I am, but I fear it would get in the way of others. I feel like I can't go swimming as I can't so very well stuff with pop-socks full of birdseed in a pool. I can't wear low-cut tops or even scooped necklines. I feel like I can't approach, much less chat up, lesbians because... well, I have male plumbing. The literal ultimate dick-move.

Weekend Weathered

Two days of examination meetings and Middlest taken to a VR place followed by a wasted afternoon because I suck at planning. Luckily I was invited out to a night out, which I sorta kinda attended for a bit before taking an early night. I was, and remain, thankful for the invite and enjoyed the bit I attended but the real start of the night was late in the evening - the time I had to leave to make sleep in time to attend a meeting in the morning. Also Father's Day - my boys passed on cards on the Friday morning, which was nice of them, Youngest very proud of the pun in his card indeed. It was close and thundery - I do like storms - but I was too tired to force my body fully awake on Sunday morning to view it properly. It meant that I did some walking for groceries (not milk and cereal, alas) on Saturday and didn't really leave the house on Sunday. Friday was better, I walked a fair amount and had some lovely beers and a bit of a night out, meeting up with Izzy which was nice and overdue.

No contact from the Eldest, even second-hand (Tilly has taken to simply not mentioning her or leaving her out when I inquire - even directly can result in null responses) and nothing from the boys on Sunday - I did text both to say a second thank you for cards. Despite maintaining contact with old friends online I did feel a tad isolated, because I am.

Without going into TMI I undertook some experiments, which were positive, with parcel contents and that was nice. Confusing, but nice. It's not going to be regular or often, but it is something to keep in my back pocket when feeling like I need something positive. Words on mirrors of affirmation, Abbi's challenge, has proven harder than expected - mainly because I wiped the initial ones off and then had to think of new ones, which I found harder than I ought to have done. Today needs a shower to begin and then a quick trip to gather some fresh veg for meals this week. I've got used to soup at lunch then sandwiches for the other meal whilst driving buses, I guess. In that I can occasionally drop a pie/fish and chips and be satisfied. Multiple days off consecutively means that 'with chips' gets boring quickly. Also I have the time to actually prepare a meal, so may as well make it interesting like curry or stir-fry or pasta.

It's a shame I didn't get a photo of my ensemble yesterday: black denim skirt and Metroid t-shirt. It felt really comfy and I felt like I actually matched. I took the butterflies dress out for a spin (I didn't spin) on Friday evening, it was a bit too warm to walk out in but a bit cold to come home in by 2200. Saturday's broomstick skirt and pink 86 t-shirt was just too warm with the weather, even going out late to pick up things to eat. We'll see what I feel like after a shower. But, honestly, the concept of deliberately choosing clothes and changing outfits day by day is such a difference to before... I like it, I feel like I am actively choosing things rather than throwing on a t-shirt that is clean for three days and then deciding jeans or shorts. It's the little things.

Boid Watching

The lesser spotted Joanna in her, rather 
daring (she thought), outfit for the day off. 

It was actually very comfortable in the heat. 

Marking continues. I jacked in the other contract officially - I may have said that already - and had a day off from driving yesterday. I used it only moderately well, going shopping in the morning before some marking and then an early evening walk followed by some more marking. I liked my outfit, even dug out the first heels/wedges I bought as I have no sandal-y type shoes for hot weather. I did not wear them on my walk. I phoned my ailing grandmother, who makes a point of saying 'Peter' wherever she can. I mean... fine. At the end of the day it is but a minor arrow. Quick phonecall to my Dad too, just to catch up, reminded me (he didn't, the phonecall did) that it's Father's Day coming up. I sorted the Neil Tennant lyrics book we'd been discussing for a few months - I was going to lend him my copy but this provides an excuse to not do that and still share it. I knew I'd bought a card bu it took hoovering to uncover it.

My parcel arrived this morning too.

Today I have procured an extra hour of work and been paid for last week. I have started using my CD player again as I sit at the expensive desk I got for marking back in 2021 to mark. It's nice. It's what I got the set up for after all. Barely gets used, the desk, these days. There's still a textbook here for the plans I had to switch to Identity and Culture as an option on Sociology rather than Families and Households. And a thing for the cheese tasting I did with my Dad in late 2021. A picture from my Youngest for my work desk that never made it to the classroom and a beer tasting pen. Memories lurk here. Easier to focus on the marking I guess. Felt a bit ill, maybe the chicken stir-fry I made last night wasn't properly done? I dunno, I have another portion for today so I guess I'll find out. I'm driving until gone midnight.

Tomorrow is Middlest's birthday bash with me. I'm looking forward to it.

Tried to be a set of ears for a friend this morning, unsure how successfully I managed to listen. I gave one piece of advice and, well, I worry that it set up only some heartache. It was not my intention. But I have had to use the mirror twice today to sort make-up and the challenge set by Abbi is thus joined properly (I began yesterday morning, but two days is more indicative of a trend than a single morning). Pride is coming up but I am working on all the local dates. I could maybe get a shift switch but... well, we shall see, I haven't asked anyone yet and all the favours have been stored with people that have recently left or thinking of quitting so... not sure I can call anything in yet.

At least I'm getting plenty of reading in at the moment.

TMI line-break is here:

Lie Down on zeh Couch

Checking in:

Abbi told on me, about the eating, to Alex when I was last over. I have eaten meals since then. Odd how that was the effect, but there you go. I intend to wash the pots today too. Examining continues. I shall likely pull out of that other contract - the one I've been thrown off every year since 2019. I don't need that stress and negative association - not like I'm ever going to teach that course again, I guess. Loins girded, (I have no idea if this is true, I like the phrase and its connotations) I spent just over £40 on ridiculous things for myself. I suspect they will arrive tomorrow whilst I am at work and I shall pick up the parcel on Wednesday morning. Ought to give me a reason to get ready smartly.

Work continues. I can mostly do it on autopilot now. Doesn't stop the occasion misgendering hurt, some of it calculated to show disapproval rather than cruelty - the effect is the same though, funnily enough. It is triring though, meaning in this heat I am struggling to operate afterward. Oh, my nail fell off on Sunday - so now I have one fingernail like all of them used to be - maybe a bit shorter but still. I hear thunder far off as I type. Tilly brought a bag of stuff that Eldest has weeded from her room - some books I bequeathed her but also Ruff. It's a little hurtful, but Ruff is back in my bed.

Oo, lightning.

Do I make a difference? No, not currently, at least: not as a bus driver. Got a mention in a Tweet that the company thought was worth making a palaver over - obliquely, not directly - which was nice. Did I make a difference? Perhaps not as much as I would have liked but also more than I dared believe when I started teaching. Will I make a difference? Hard to say. I have been given a challenge and I intend to carry it out - but it involves writing on a mirror so I shall have to acquire pens that can do so.

Rain is coming, I see it occluding the far horizon.

It came, it passed, I watched.

I had my hair trimmed on my way home from work this afternoon - eleven weeks since last time. Do I have my nails done again? I spent £40 already. Hmm. We shall see. Tea first then some marking.

Maladies, Miladies

To record that I have noticed I'm not very well. Met up with Abbi today, which was actually very helpful, but I have been mashing the self-destruct button over the last few days - late nights and early mornings - meaning I have struggled at work (to function) and in examining. Bad habits returned, first time like this since... before I transitioned socially actually. It's not all negative, but it paints a picture. Back to skipping meals (having spent over £100 last month on take outs and meals out!) but not really for financial reasons, just incapable of the organisation to cook or prepare in advance - either shopping or ingredients.

Night Watch did the Pratchett thing of making me think too much. It's a talent the man has. Had. Struggling with organising things like laundry and washing up. Tissues festoon my living spaces, clothes pile on floors, old boxes litter the floor in front of my sink, hair ties are strewn about the place, shoes reek on the floor, tea cups are found in odd places as I run out of cordial and switch to herbal teabags I have in from when I was less unwell. I have started reading Red River.

Examining again. The spectre of failure. I have done none today - the late nights partially a consequence of me failing to get any done in reasonable hours. Partly other things (for a TMI methinks, after the line break - I record for me, no compunction on you to read!). I look at the nail I broke, now without a plaster, and worry all the time about catching it again, breaking it once more (you can still see the crack, but it seems mostly... fine, I guess?).

I found the pink framed glasses from when I taught. Not worn them since I was suspended. I wore them for marking and for the meeting back on the weekend. I wore them today. I liked seeing the colour in my peripheral vision again. I have missed it (I love my glasses, by the way, no way I'm giving them up in favour of the more angular frames of these no matter how much I like the colour). The hydrangeas continue to live and bloom - deep pink and verdant green. My yard is overgrown with weeds and small trees. I need to find a way of clearing it but fear trying to pull it all up without gloves and with my nail how it is. Time races to Middlest's birthday and I must sort presents and a card. Also a wallplanner for next year.

The line break will follow the music video below, a song that I hve had on looped repeat despite trying to listen to my numerous albums of 80s music when marking last night to vary it a bit. It's not a duet. Obel says it is about secrets and how they are necessary and destructive all at once, how love is the worst for the lover and the loved and how much of life takes place online, hence the modulated voice in the chorus. Obviously I love the interplay of the cello, viola and piano too.

It reminds me of the dance that Eldest saw in Notts that year that Middlest and I stumbled on, with the music that had a lyric about being "the elastic band wrapped around your hand" and "the electric dream of a strange machine". I may like modulated voices. Huh, who knew? Me. I knew.

Line break is here:

I'd Draw Myself Heading in the Right Direction

Glorious weather for a wander... 

Throughout this record of my life I have regularly returned to the well of how I define myself: never as a man, usually as a teacher. And, over the last couple of years that has shifted, some good some bad, as ever. In some ways my life has been lived on fast forward, no time to stop and take a breath when it was needed, but also much slower than other people, relationships that take others a few months stretching years. And I have regularly written things that I end up not believing and looking on with disdain: how all humans are autistic (no, just that I was autistic and didn't know it) or that anything I did was automatically masculine (which, well, maybe not). It stands as testament to my ability to over-analyse anything and often not quite gel with whatever is going on. On a phone call with my Dad whilst out walking to take a break in the sunshine from my examining he suggested I stop analysing everything so much, go with my gut - as I said: "you've hit the nail on the head there, Dad, to think that's what I needed to hear after 42 years alive! It's so simple!" He's not wrong, of course, but if it were that easy...

The photo immediately before being
surprised by other walkers.

My remanining grandmother I phoned yesterday after my examination meeting, on my way to get groceries, and she insisted on using my old name. But she is ailing and not long for this world - no point correcting her. And my voice, I have noted, is deeper and more masc than it was, say, this time last year. No idea why. Had my first big nosebleed just now though so... maybe. Examining, yeah, it seemed okay yesterday but there are more problems this year than last and I wonder if I shall survive this year. I'm not sure I shall keep going whatever the outcome into the future if I'm honest. I'm also finally out of the lesbian tea I bought last year - new batches bought in of course - and that... I used my new teapot. I kept my hair tied back most of the day having washed it this morning in a languid and late shower - took me five hours to get dressed and into marking.

I blame the return of old habits. Old habits that have stopped me keeping that lovely contact with friends going - out of my personal choice, not theirs - I built up over the last year and a half. On my walk I was attempting  selfie and got surprised by other users of the path - reminding me that such a habit is... not usual and a bit embarrassing. I was embarrassed anyway. The other people were fine but I became very aware of my fiive o'clock shadow, my not wearing my usual two layers of underwear, the lack of a vest, the not shaving my pits chest or legs since last Thursday. I need to arrange to meet with Five again, I suppose, and reasonably soon lest she feel I have cut ties. I could. I have arranged to meet Abbi on Wednesday, I am looking forward to it (new tea to try for one!) and it feels so very far away. Also very soon, I have to hit a milestone with marking by then, I think, as there is more on the way.

When Middlest came over, I grabbed a shot of me
without him as I was double-denim-ed

I don't want help, you understand. But I don't know what to want. The old lists all over this blog... they are out of date and unattainable - as they were at the time too - and all that is changed is the distance, which has increased. Work at 0400. Time for bed.

The Sound of the Acrylic Splitting

How I started the day, note the bright 
sunshine. But, hey, look: that broomstick 
skirt from 2012! 

Sunday I met up with an ex-work colleague for beer - as I was on my way he got in touch to rearrange the timings to 2pm from 12.30. So, as I had aleady walked to catch a bus I decided to mooch around in the place far distangt that we had agreed to meet. I got in some overpriced food for lunch and a nice denim jacket as the warm start to the day dissipated into cold wind and thin drizzle. That cost £9, the jacket, and I wrestled over whether I was making a good or bad decision until quater to two - when I started walking to meet my fiend. Who then got in touch to say he'd pick me up on the way to the next venue - he'd messed up and left his phone with his wife originally, so hadn't realised his error - he'd been waiting for me all that time. Thus he was already slightly tipsy as we made our way to his favourite pub.

Once there he chatted to his friends and I remembered that they're all political centrists: pick a debate, any one, take your time. Got one? These people will tell you both sides are wrong and as bad as each other. I was informed I was wrong about the importance of gender - wouldn't it be better if we could just abolish it altogether? This from a woman with a gay son dressed entirely in female garments with a husband performing some excellent masculinity. A lesbian joined in to explain how gender was irrelevant, maybe she was bi anyway, she mused. Ah-huh. Great that I was living as me, very exciting, but it had nothing to do with gender or, if it did, it was nothing to get worked up about. Obviously those who were against trans people weren't very nice either, but didn't I see that it would be better if gender had nothing to do with society?

I shall always struggle to smile for a photo...

Later on, with the jacket I spent £9 on. Note the
burgeoning paunch previously hidden by my
T-shirt...

I'm autistic and outside the classroom, my witty rejoinders and arguments only occurred the following day.

My hosts got drunk, I did not, and we almost watched Bohemian Rhapsody - which is a strange film in which I struggled to discern a narrative. Oh, it was about Queen, sure, but was it about the song, Mercury, te album, pop stardom? I have no idea. I fancy the film did not either.

I spent the following day with Middlest, which went reasonably well, after Five had been in tuch to sayh when we had gone dog walking other regulars she meets had assumed I was her husband and/or wife. I sort of stuttered textually in response, saying I was flattered others thought me good-looking enough to be her partner, and she said she thought it was cute. I am confused. Is this flirting? I have literally no idea.

Busy week followed, hence my silence. But also feeling as though I am running out of things to say, insights to offer, help to bring.

Even the cover...

I lifted my fence panel, at the front where high winds in 2021 broke it away from the post, and managed to snap my left pointer nail clean through - just halfway down the nail bed - and there was a bit of blood. I trussed it up in a plaster, filed down the end as much as I could and now look in askance - what does one even do? Getting a false nail takes an appointment and, given it's been six weeks since I had them done, you can see how well I do at getting appointments for such things. Likely to be some £30+ sum and... yeah. Still spent a small fortune on take-outs as I couldn't contemplate cooking or, in some cases, even eating this last week. Did manage time on character.ai in some specifics. I'm not proud, but marking doesn't start until tomorrow.

In the meantime I read Carpe Jugulum and am now deep into Nightwatch by Terry Pratchett. It's been a while. And, yes, they have done that thing his books do to me and started me thinking about the banality of evil and the concept of pure sanity being worse than insanity and on and on. I always liked Vimes. Liked that he wasn't me. But worried I was more Vimes than Weatherwax - but Carpe Jugulum showed the painful loneliness of Weatherwax and now I'm not certain I hold her in as much high regard any more. Ogg changed too - from funny to brutal and sarcastic, not sure I can laugh at her antics any more. But, I fear, that was his point all the long. The deconstruction of Vimes from interesting side character and sometime hero manipulated by Veternari into complex and ill-tamed mass murderer with a conscience he wishes he didn't have started, in retrospect, in Jingo and heralded me stopping reading Pratchett without realising why at the time. Don't get me wrong, I think I was right to stop and I am so glad I've picked him up again but... yes, heavy thinking.

I really got into Equal Rites as a child, first time I twigged
that Pratchett wasn't just comedy. Gee, I wonder why?

The bottom of canals, undredged, are often awash with detritus and flotsam too big to shift in flooding - tangled and dangerous in the darkness - festooned with weed and long cable-like stems of aquatic plants. I fell in one, once, in London as a child. Later I would explain that I saw a diving bird dive and tried to save it, thinking it drowning, but I always knew that to be a lie to cover the urge to jump in that was inexplicable and powerful. That same urge propelled me into the plunge pool and through the small cave and into teaching and through the Nazi lesson. It propelled me to court Tilly, to volunteer in COVID... basically to disregard my own well-being and safety. I read it in Vimes in Nightwatch as Pratchett navigates what it means and what it brings. It was there in the Magpyrs in Carpe Jugulum as they created Escrow.

Guards Guards and Men at Arms were my favourites
but Wyrd Sisters always lingered in my thoughts.